Star Wars: The Inside Story
by xwing104
Summary: BEST PG-13 rated parody of Star Wars, the Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. Answers many unanswered questions and gives backstory to the Emperor, Vader, Obi Wan, and others.


Star Wars, the Inside Story

Aboard the Imperial-class Star Destroyer Avenger

Idiots. The Empire was filled with idiots.

Darth Vader could come to no other conclusion. The Emperor insisted on loyalty above all things, leaving competency, unfortunately, far in second place. Unfortunately, some of that idiocy originated at the top.

Plans for the Emperor's most top secret project had been stolen. They had been guarded, under tight, supersecret security that was guaranteed by the top security experts in the empire to be unbreakable.

All unbreakable, that is, except for the password.

And it was all the Emperor's fault.

It was important to have a very secure password, one the rebels could never, ever crack.

And for the password the Emperor had chosen the name of his dog.

At first Vader thought he was joking. After all the Emperor was the master of subtle humor. But when Vader inquired further those yellow eyes narrowed causing Vader to almost wince in discomfort and the Emperor's tone grew sharp. "What is wrong with the name of my dog?"

It was only after much pleading that Vader persuaded him that that would be too obvious.

"And how would the rebels know the name of my dog?" the Emperor said, his eyes rapidly shifting left and right, a warning sign of classic paranoia.

Vader realized the need to handle this gently. "Just trust me on this, they will," said Vader. "How about a series of numbers?'

The Emperor waved a hand dismissively. "Too difficult to remember." He paused, as if he were scanning the universe with the force. "Give in to your anger."

"What?"

"Give in to your anger," said the Emperor. "That will be the password!" He noticed Vader's hesitation. "What? Is it not long enough?"

"It is," said Vader.

"Then what?"

"Well… you say that all the time."  
"I do?"

"Yes."

"No I don't," the Emperor said, as if it were a fact. "Make it so." And he spun his chair away. Audience over.

So that had been the password, and later analysis shown that the rebels had cracked it in less than 15 seconds. They knew this because, checking the logs, they found that this was only the second password that the intruder had bothered to try.

The first had been the name of the Emperor's dog.

Vader had found and liquidated the rebel spies who had broken into the system, but not before they had beamed technical readouts of the Emperor's supersecret project into the Tattooine system. When Vader had had the system scanned, he was told there were no possible recipients of the message.

Vader had checked the scan himself, of course, and pointed at the solitary blip on the scope.

"What is that?" he said, in his neutral tone, his I-don't-feel-like-killing-at-the-moment-but-that-c an-change-quickly tone.

The Imperial Officer, whose name Vader didn't bother to learn because of how quickly he went through them, quaked in his boots a bit. "That… that's not a prospect, sir."

"Why not?" Vader asked.

"According to its ID, that's a counselor's ship, on a diplomatic mission," said the officer.

"Which counselor?" Vader asked, almost pleasantly.

The officer tapped in his keypad. "Princess Leia Organa."

Princess. What an affectation. "The same Princess Leia who opposed the war act in the Senate?"  
"Yes."

"The same Princess Leia who's trying to stir up opposition in the Senate to the Emperor's revenue adjustments?" Revenue adjustments were a euphemism, of course; but the Emperor once said to him that two things he should never say in public were "tax increase" and "invasion". (Invasions were referred to as "New planetary management".)

"Y-yes."

"The same Princess Leia who was discovered selling "Down the Empire" T Shirts at the Mall on Coruscant?"

"Y-yes sir."

"And you didn't see any possibility that she might have received this transmission?"

"Well… it says here she's on a diplomatic mission…"

Vader didn't bother to strangle the officer. "Set your course for the Tattooine system, at full speed. Then go to a supply closet and shoot yourself."

"Yes sir! Right away sir!"  
A few seconds later Vader heard a thump from a nearby closet and he sighed, realizing he should have clearer about which task to do first.

Tattooine. That brought up a lot of bad memories. Being a child slave, with sand everywhere. Vader remembered the rough feel of sand in his crotch and anus of his karate outfit when he walked around and grimaced. He also remembered the low moans from Watto's bedroom whenever Mom went into give him his midnight tea... When he asked about it, Mom had simply told him that Watto really liked the tea...

The ship they were pursuing, a standard Corellean Corvette code registered as the Tantive IV, had just taken off from Tattooine when the Imperial Class Star Destroyer Avenger came out of hyperspace. To no one's surprise, the corvette didn't respond to their hails.

Vader ordered his star destroyer to open fire, but warned them to cripple the corvette, not destroy it.

As usual, they messed up. Instead of disabling the hyperdrive, they hit the ship's reactor. It had the effect of shutting the ship down, but it was almost a miracle that the ship didn't blow up. All the officers on the bridge (except the gunner) looked up at Vader expectantly, like an audience at a bullfight waiting for a spectacle. Vader looked at the two portside gunnery officers, who promptly each pointed a finger at the other.

The little corvette had the audacity to fire back at the Star Destroyer, and Vader couldn't help but notice some of the bridge officers squeal in fright as the beams were harmlessly absorbed by the shields.

But not the stormtroopers. Oh, they were idiots too, but at least they were bred not to have a shred of fear. That would be very useful in front-on, suicidal attacks like the one that Vader was about to order.

Vader ordered the corvette to be brought within the docking bay and the stormtroopers assembled to take the ship.

It was to no one's surprise that the corvette fit within the Star Destroyer's landing bay; this was in compliance with the Emperor's "ship within a ship" policy, where each new class of ship the Empire created had to be large enough that it could take within itself every other kind of preexisting ship in the galaxy, to show how big and impressive it was.

Vader strode back and forth in front of the line of assembled troopers. He could order a broad attack, sending troops to blast their way in from several sides, or he could order a single, narrow, frontal attack, charging down a narrow corridor.

He considered. Casualties would be lower with a multisided attack. But the Emperor was always nagging him to increase casualties, not just for the rebels but for the Empire too. That's why TIE Fighters had no shields, and stormtrooper armor couldn't stop blasters. Or Ewok arrows. Or rocks.

"Casualties! I want more casualties!" The Emperor had once screamed.

"And when we defeat the rebellion, what then?" said Vader.

"Then maybe we shall divide the Empire into two and have them fight each other!" said the Emperor, and at that moment Vader knew he was quite mad. But then the Emperor added, "Tell me, wasn't it fun having the Trade Federation's robots fighting the clones, even when we controlled both sides?"  
Vader had had to admit that it was.

On the Tantive IV, an alarm rang out. R2-D2, an astromech unit, desperately tried to take advantage of the confusion to escape from C-3PO, his gay robot counterpart who was gently but methodically fingering R2's internal ash tray.

3PO was perhaps the most advanced model of gay protocol droid in the galaxy. Not only was he familiar with over 3,000,000 kinds of languages, he was also programmed with over 7,000,000 gay robotic sex positions. Many were the times when R2 would see C-3PO, bent over at the waist, while other protocol droids reached from behind and inserted diplomatic probes in 3PO's anal interface, in and out, in and out., while 3PO brayed, "Oh, I say, Oh, I say!", and R2 did nothing but give a low whistle.

R2 shouldn't even have been paired with 3PO in the first place. Consider that R2-D2 was an astrometric droid; his job was to repair damage to ships. C-3PO was a diplomatic droid, his role was to translate different languages between people. The two roles had nothing in common and there was no reason, no reason at all, for the two to be paired together.

At least there wasn't until the Princess stuck her royal tits into it. She thought the two kinds of droids looked "cute" paired together, and ordered both kinds of droids paired together throughout the ship. That was only one reason R2 hated Princess Leia and would do almost anything to help the Empire capture her.

"They shut down the main reactor, we'll be destroyed for sure," said 3PO, his already gay voice rising several octaves. "There will be no escape for the Princess this time."

"Wee wee do-do-do-do!" said R2 gleefully. Good. If R2 encountered any stormtroopers, he would be sure to plug into a wall map and point them right in the Princess's direction.

You may wonder what "No escape for the Princess this time…." referred to. Princess Leia actually had "escaped" a number of times before. Every time she was caught she pretended to be innocent, over and over. One time she was caught with a group of gun runners. She acted like she didn't know who they were. "I thought they were selling cosmetics!" she had said indignantly.

Another time she had been caught with a known spy. But they hadn't been able to arrest her because they couldn't find the message he had passed on to her, despite Vader's insistence (overruled) that she undergo a more thorough examination with an Imperial gynecologist. She played the dim-witted teenage Princess to the hilt, and that was what had saved her, time and time again. Unfortunately, the men she had been caught with hadn't been nearly as fortunate.

Meanwhile, Princess Leia was trying to rally the crew to fight. "Everyone stand here in the corridor, and aim your guns at the airlock."

"We won't have much cover, standing here in the hallway," said an albino crewmember with bushy eyebrows.

"Can't we just surrender, or something?" another one implored.

They all looked a bit stupid, wearing helmets backwards so the rims were on the back instead of the front. That had been another of the Princess's brilliant ideas. She thought the helmets looked "cuter" worn ass backwards and what the Princess wanted, Princess got.

"Don't you believe in the rebellion? Don't you want to take a stand for what you believe in? Isn't this the time to stand up for your beliefs?" Leia asked, raising her chin. She wore white, as she often did right before expected capture, so she could yell "Don't manhandle me! I'm a virgin!" as she frequently did.

Suddenly, there was a scraping on the hatch door as if someone were testing its strength.

Everyone looked at each other with panic in their eyes. In moments, a hallway that had been filled with 30 crewmembers was nearly emptied as everyone rushed to find hiding places. Only about a half dozen of the dumbest crewmembers remained.

"Good men," Leia told the remainder, nodding as she ran away with as much royal dignity as she could muster.

"You are to charge into the small narrow confined space of the entry corridor," said Vader, speaking to the troops assembled outside the entrance to the boarding lock. Behind him two troopers were attaching explosives to the entry hatch.

"Yes sir," said the troop leader.

Vader strode back and forth in front of the rows of troopers. "A number of you, hopefully a large number, will be shot and killed."  
"Yes sir!"

"If you get blasted, make sure you fall immediately to the ground, so not as to block the way of other troopers behind you."  
"Yes sir!"

"No leaning against walls, or down on your knees, or whatever. If you get killed, fall down."

"Yes sir! Right away sir!"

The Imperials burst in, but not with predictable results. They were entering a small, enclosed space with gunners ready to target them. But the rebels were terrible shots, managing to hit just about everything except the invading stormtroopers. This was actually somewhat understandable, as most of these rebel "troopers" were actually on the personal staff of Princess Leia-her hairdresser, colorist, manicurist, dietician, etc. It's amazing that the rebels, purely by accident, even managed to hit two of the invaders. The rebels turned and fled a few seconds after boarding.

After that it was just a game of chasing them down. One rebel was hiding in a freezer unit. Another was hiding in a droid repair pit; a third in an elevator shaft. When discovered, they all acted as if they had done nothing wrong and were surprised to see the stormtroopers.

"Hi, are you here about the customs paperwork?" said one who had been hiding in the droid repair alcove

"Oh, thank goodness you're here," said another. "Our hyperdrive was leaking and we need some of that stuff... that leaks from hyperdrives."

Darth Vader entered the ship right after the shooting stopped. He wanted to make sure these idiots followed his orders and took prisoners. He looked down at the bodies, first one, then another, then another. No luck.

It was a big galaxy. He didn't really expect to find Jar Jar, but he always kept looking.

"R2, where are you?"

R2 groaned inwardly. He had managed to give 3PO the slip. They had gotten separated in a corridor where they were caught in a crossfire between stormtroopers who were advancing and rebel crewmembers who were hastily erecting a white flag. Incredibly, they hadn't been hit in the crossfire but he couldn't decide whether that mean stormtroopers had very good aim, or very bad.

R2 had found a good place to hide when all of a sudden he felt arms around him. Oh no. It was HER!

Before he could move she stuck a disc into him. A new program. R2 found himself immobilized as Leia recorded a message. She had done this before, using him as a courier to relay messages to her boyfriends, usually short, erotic videos of the Princess engaged in erotic activities with phallic shaped vegetables.

But this was the first time she had made a video while fully clothed.

She removed the disc, freeing R2, and he was about to scurry off when 3PO caught up to him.

"R2, what have you been up to?" said 3PO. He had seen a someone putting something inside of R2, and instinctively wished it had been him.

R2 whistled.

"Would you mind if I put something in you too?" said 3PO.

R2 beeped indignantly.

"No, I most certainly do not have droid AIDS," said 3PO indignantly.

"The death star plans are not in the main computer," said a stormtrooper.

Idiot. What did he expect? Vader lifted the captain of the ship by the neck. The rebel instinctively dropped the white flag he had been carrying.

"Where are those transmissions you intercepted?"

"We intercepted no transmissions. This is a counselor's ship, on a diplomatic mission," he gasped, choking. His striking red boots bobbed in the air, and several pairs of helmets followed them as they moved this way and that.

"A diplomatic mission?" said Vader. This should be good. He needed a laugh. He lowered the man, allowing him to breathe freely again. "Tell me about it."

"What?"

"Tell me about your diplomatic mission."

The man looked at Vader, at the stormtroopers pointing weapons at him, and then back at Vader, who seemed to stare at him expectantly.

"We, uh, were delivering toys to Jawa orphans-"

"Really?" said Vader. "Can you show me some of these toys?"

"Well, uh, we already delivered them, we don't have them any more," said the man, whose name was Captain Antilles.  
"Go on," said Vader.

Antillies eyes darted left and right, amazed that he was still alive and talking. "We, uh, also passed out birth control holos in local cantinas, and sun tan lotion to the locals," he stopped, licking his lips, momentarily running out of ideas.

"Yes, please continue," said Vader, taking a step closer.

Antillies grew more nervous. "And we, we ah, distributed brand new Bantha saddles to the Sand People to reduce chafing-"

"Sand People!" Vader roared. Decades old memories of him peering into a tent and seeing Schmi mounting a Tuscan Raider and moaning with pleasure flooded his mind. He lifted Antillies up again, and choked him instantly.

There was a crackle, and Antillies' body dropped to the ground. When that happened immediately five sets of stormtrooper helmets turned to look at his boots.

"Bring me the Ambassador, I want her alive!" Vader roared. He felt really good now. Nothing like a good choking to get the dark side running through him. But he felt a slight twinge in his robot arm; he really needed to work out more in the dark side gymnasium.

The stormtroopers searched, but of course, they found nothing. Vader sighed. Must he do everything? The answer, of course, was yes. He punched up a schematic of the ship. He looked for a moment, and then indicated a compartment with a finger. "She's there."

"How do you know, sir?" said one of the stormtroopers.

"It's the largest bathroom on the ship," said Vader patiently.

Sure enough, that's where they found her. Leia was adjusting her white robe and hair buns and practicing her best virgin look in the mirror. When the Imperials came, however, she couldn't resist shooting one. Then they shot her and she fell to the ground.

Obviously, though, they had missed, because when they went to grab her, she was up and animated and talking. "Thanks for finding me! I've been held hostage and I'm grateful for your rescue!" They continued dragging her even as she said, "Careful! Note my white dress! I'm a virgin, I'm a virgin!"

On and on she went, until she was marched into the corridor where Vader stood. Her expression changed when she saw him, and the body of Captain Antillies at her feet. Leia couldn't help but notice that his footwear was missing, nor that a stormtrooper next to him was wearing a very tall pair of red boots.

"Darth Vader, only you can be so bold! The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this! When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic mission-"

Obviously, surrounded in a ship full of rebels, she knew her innocent routine wouldn't work this time. But her outrage was way too loud, her hair buns way too big.

"Don't act so surprised, your highness, you weren't on any mercy mission this time. I want to know what happened to the plans the rebels sent you."  
"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm on a dip-lo-matic mission-" The way she stressed the word "dip-lo-matic" like she was talking to a child enraged Vader.

Vader imitated the way she talked. "Dip-lo-matic! Dip-lo-matic! I know what the word means!"

"It was three syllables. I didn't want to confuse you."

"Let's see you try some long words. How about "Ter-min-a-tion?" Vader suggested.

"How about 'am-pu-ta-tion'?" Leia suggested, recalling a certain past event in Vader's life.

"How about 'li-qui-da-tion'?" Vader said.

"How about 'cas-tra-tion'?" Leia added, thinking back to the same event.

Stormtrooper heads moved back and forth like they were watching a tennis match. Vader flinched as he remembered Obi Wan cutting off his genitals, which had flopped and scorched in burns in the hot sands of Mustafar. Leia had scored!

"You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor! Take her away!"

As she was led away Vader called after her, "And don't think that white dress fools me for a moment, Princess. Your virginity can't be more than four or five days old!"

Vader wondered why he let her get him angry. Something about her always annoyed him. Maybe it was the hair buns. Or maybe it was the way her small but firm breasts bounced in the same way as Padme's did

R2 made it to an escape pod and was closing the door just as 3PO slipped in. Five more seconds and he would have made it! Now he would have to endure that feminine prattle.

"What are you doing, R2? Where are we going?" R2 didn't answer. He was too busy launching the pod.

"Oh dear!" said 3PO, feeling the acceleration. He looked out of the viewport. "It's funny, the damage doesn't look so bad from up here."  
He was looking at the Star Destroyer, not the corvette.

In a gunner port, a stormtrooper sat at the controls as a junior officer (2 red and blue sucking candies on his uniform) said, "There goes another one."

"Should I fire, sir?"

"Scan it."

"No signs of life."

"I could shot it anyway."  
"That would waste energy, and increase galactic warming. You know the Emperor's directives on environmental conservation."

"Oh yes."

One of Vader's junior Gestapo assistants said "Holding her is dangerous. If word gets out…"

Vader was ready for this. "Send a message saying that the ship has blown up." He thought about that for a moment, thinking about the order of things. "No, say the ship is about to blow up." He paused, then added, "Send a message saying that wild Wookies are tearing Princess Leia apart limb by limb, and then eating her pieces." He paused again. "No, better go with the other idea. Ship, about to blow up."

Another junior Imperial approached him, also wearing Gestapo black. "Lord Vader, we haven't found the plans, but an escape pod was ejected during the fighting." He had an unnaturally deep voice. Vader knew how the officer corps tried to lower their voices around him to impress him. Vader didn't discourage that.

"She hid the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment to recover them." said Vader. "There will be no one to stop us this time!"

The officer nodded, remembering the last time how Vader had been stopped when Tarkin denied him permission to have Leia searched by a gynecological probe droid.

"Oh, I say! The sand is getting into my private parts," said 3PO.

They were walking in the desert. R2 didn't know—or care—whether 3PO found sand in his private parts pleasurable or not. He chose what looked like the most inhospitable path, hoped 3PO wouldn't like it, and headed off.

"R2, R2, why don't we take a break?" said 3PO, making the suggestion for the third time in only an hour. "We could go into the cover of that outcropping of rock, you know, and, ah, check each other's components, to make sure we're fully functional-"

R2 whistled back that he didn't wish to make love to 3PO in the desert wasteland.

"Where are you going?" said 3PO. He looked at the route R2 had taken, and he didn't like it. "I'm not going that way. "

R2 whistled a sigh of relief.

"That's what you're saying now, but you'll miss me!" said 3PO. "I'm not taking another step, not another one!" He fully expected R2 to stop in its tracks.

Instead, R2 accelerated to full speed.

"Not moving," 3PO yelled.

R2 kept going.

"Not bluffing!" 3PO yelled.

In moments R2 was gone.

"Oh no," said 3PO. "Where am I going to find another handsome droid?

He paused. "Here, in the desert? "

He paused again, checking his internal chronometer. "And at this hour?"

R2 was quickly captured by Jawas in the desert. The Jawas weren't the slightest bit surprised to find droids running around in a big, empty desert. Tattooine was very very bad when it came to recycling. Each home had bins for paper trash, and one for organic waste, but no bins for droid recycling. So people threw out their droids by simply releasing them into the wild. This was very bad for the environment as droid tracks disrupted the habitat of the native sand scorpions and the gases released by their internal components contributed to global cooling, which was currently the number one environmental problem on Tattooine.

The Jawas shot R2. Jawas, never particularly bright, captured their second-hand droids by ELECTROCUTING them.

R2 groaned and blacked out as robots can do, waking up inside the spacious Jawas trailer. He looked at all the sorry looking droids around him and felt a restraining bolt. Not a good situation to be in. Still, at least he was rid of-

"R2 D2, is that you?" he heard.

R2 gave a low groan as 3PO stopped digitally molesting an old R5-D4 unit and turned to R2. "It is so good to see you again, R2."

The Imperials were mounted on dewbacks. It seemed ridiculous, because the dewbacks were large, unwieldy, and, if it's possible, walked even slower than the stormtroopers. But the Emperor ordered it. As part of his commitment to environmental causes, he wanted locally grown mounts used for every kind of environment. That means that every Star Destroyer had a Dewback unit for desert environments, a Tauntun unit for snow, a gungan porter unit for swamps, etc.

"The pod is empty, sir," said a stormtrooper. He lifted a gold ring, which had fallen off of 3PO's cervix during rough robot sex. "Look sir, a female droid!"

The officer scanned with his binoculars. He could see 3PO a quarter of a mile away. But that could take a day or more to get to on a Dewback.

The Jawa sandcrawler had a lot of dents in it, not very surprising for a vehicle which had no windows in the control room. Jawas were not exactly world renown for their engineering ability. For example, in all their years of driving their sandcrawlers, they never once realized they were driving them backwards.

They arrived at a settlement where Luke Skywalker and his Uncle Owen awaited them. Luke, in his white aikido outfit, had just gotten out of karate practice and hadn't had time to change.

"Luuuuke!"

Luke heard the nasal whine of his Aunt Beru. "Luke, if your Uncle Owen gets a translator, make sure it also has male accessories and is programmed for sex. Your Uncle Owen simply isn't delivering the goods like he used to."

"It doesn't look like we have much of a choice, but I'll remind him."  
"I'm so desperate I'll even take a good R4-D7 lesbian unit!" her voice yelled after him.

Luke lived in a pit with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. They thought it was perfectly natural to live in a pit even though when it rained it constantly got flooded. Luke had suggested living above ground, but Uncle Owen would have none of it. "No one in my family is going to live like a sandperson!" he would grumble.

The only thing slightly more odd than that was that their "farm" had no plants or food growing. It was simply one long desert as long as the eye could see. But according to the Tattooine Agricultural Promotion Act of 2984, "farms" were entitled to large subsidies regardless of what their grew, and Owen, knowing a good thing when he saw it, milked the system for all it was worth.

Luke caught up with Owen.

"Luke, what are you doing in your karate outfit again! I told you not to dress that way in front of the Jawas!"

"Aw, Uncle Owen."

Owen went over to 3PO. "You look like a protocol droid, right?"

"Why yes, sir-"  
"I have no need of a protocol droid."

Luke ran over. "Are you programmed for sex?'

"Sex? Why sir, I am programmed in over 7 million kinds of gay sex-"  
"We don't need a gay sex droid," said Owen.

"Aunt Beru said we did."

"She did?" said Owen.

"My first job was making love to Senator Bail Organa, probably very similar to your Aunt Beru in many respects."

"All right, we'll take him., and the little round droid," he said, indicating R2. "Luke, get these cleaned up before dinner."  
"But I was going into Tushi station to pick up some power converters."

"How many times have I told you to stay away from those Tuscan prostitutes in Tushi station?" said Owen. "Do you remember what you caught from them last time?"

Luke dunked 3PO into a hot bath so he would be all shiny and clean when he was delivered to Aunt Beru for the first of many nightly duties. Aunt Beru moaned whenever she broke in a new gay sex droid. Sometimes she would use whatever was available. One time she even used a six armed citrus harvesting droid. She had really moaned for hours that night.

As he boiled in the lubricant, 3PO mentioned that he and R2 had been with the rebellion.

"You mean the rebellion against the empire?" said Luke.

"No, I mean the rebellion against cottage cheese," said 3PO sarcastically. "How many kinds of rebellion have you heard of?"

"Have you been in many battles?"

"Several, I think," said 3PO. "But the Princess instructed that I call them 'lovemaking sessions'. Actually, there's not much to tell. I'm not much more than a machine shaped like a giant phallus."

Luke was struggling with R2. "You have something jammed in here real good."

"He does?" said 3PO excitedly. "After you finish removing it, can I try putting it back in?"

Suddenly a hologram of Princess Leia appeared "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

"Who is she? She's beautiful," said Luke.

"I'm afraid you need to have your vision checked," said 3PO. "You're staring at a woman covered head to toe in a shapeless white robe."

"We don't have a lot of, ah, options out here," said Luke, remembering his most recent sexual encounter with a female bantha in heat. "Who is she?"

R2 whistled. "R2 says it's merely an advertisement for a certain king of pleasure hologram."

"Do you know who she is?" Luke asked.

"I'm not sure," said 3PO. He peered at the hologram "Can you make out if her breasts are very pointed at the tips? Perhaps if I saw her naked, I might recognize her."

"I wonder if she means old Ben Kenobi. But Obi Wan? What kind of name is that? Ben doesn't even look remotely Chinese."

R2 beeped. "R2 adds if you remove his restraining bolt, he might be able to show you more."  
Luke obliged. The hologram disappeared. "Hey, what happened?"

R2 whistled.

"What did he say?'

3PO translated. "That you are very gullible, sir."  
Luke heard Aunt Beru screeching his name and knew it was time for dinner. He got there just in time to see Aunt Beru pulling out her plastic cooking containers as she prepared for her weekly tupperware party.

"Do we have to eat off of tupperware again! Why can't we have real plates?" Luke said distastefully, staring at the plastic plates and flatware. He sat down on the small stool Uncle Owen had made for him on his 5th birthday and watched Owen and Beru eat Bantha steaks while he was served his Jawa gruel. "By the way, the droid I was cleaning said he was the property of an Obi Wan Kenobi."

A fork clattered to the ground. Owen's draw dropped. Beru mouth silently formed the words "Oh my god!".

"Do you know him?"

"No, never heard of him," said Owen.

"Aunt Beru?"

"Doesn't ring a bell for me either," said Beru.

"I was thinking it might refer to old Ben Kenobi, but Ben isn't Chinese."

Owen flashed back to the day when Obi Wan dropped baby Luke off at the farm. Obi Wan had said it was Anakin's kid, and he was leaving Luke with them. Obi Wan had also said that the child was destined for greatness, no matter how badly he smelled now. He also said the child was wanted by the Empire.

Owen hadn't wanted to take the child, but Beru insisted, since she couldn't have children of her own. Beru's vagina was so barren that only sand yeast could grow there, ever since she had caught that social disease from that Toydarian gigalo in Weinerhead.

Speaking of Weinerhead... "Luke, tomorrow I want you to go to Weinerhead and have its memory erased." Owen smacked his lips and munched loudly with his mouth open. "And I want you back in an hour. That means you only have time for one stripper!" (lip smack smack smack)

Luke pouted over his tupperware. "But what if this Obi Wan comes looking for him?"

"He won't. He's dead." (Lip smack smack) "He died at the same time as your father." (munch munch munch)

Luke remembered what Uncle Owen had told him about the death of his father. He had an image in his mind of his father tripping over a sidewalk in Mos Eisley and falling tragically to his death. And now this Obi Wan died at the same time? His mind replayed the image of two of them tripping and falling onto the sidewalk to their deaths. How awful!

"This Obi Wan knew my father?"

"I told you to forget it." (lip smack smack!) "Your only concern is to plant non-existent crops so we can get government farm subsidies. I think if we plow a new line of dirt on the north ridge, we can get a bonus this year."

Luke started to whine. "But I want to join the academy this year!"  
The academy. Luke really wanted to join the Imperial academy. That meant the Empire. It had been one his fondest dreams... Luke always imagined himself in the uniform of an imperial officer, with rows of red and blue sucking candies on his left breast. He fantasized about flying TIE fighters, and blasting away at merchant ships and other evil doers. Why was Uncle Owen keeping him from his fondest dream?

"Harvest is when I need you the most," said Owen. (lip smack smack grunt!). "This season we'll con the government out of enough money so I can open up that sand dealership we've been talking about, and you can go join the Empire next year. "

"Luke, don't you think you're a little short to be a stormtrooper anyway?" Beru asked.

"But it's a whole other year," Luke whined.

"It's only another season. What's going to happen in a year? Is a planet going to blow up or something?" Owen asked, as he absent mindedly picked a piece of bantha steak out of his teeth. (munch munch munch slurp!)

"I'm going to go finish cleaning those droids," said Luke disgustedly.

Beru called after him. "Make sure the crotch on that humanoid model is sparkling clean before you deliver him to me!"

After Luke left, she added, "Luke's got too much of his father in him."

"Yeah, remember that time last week when he got angry and almost strangled me from across the room?" Owen asked. "I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now..."

Luke went outside to watch the suns setting. His karate outfit blew majestically in the wind as he thought about which stripper he would select at Weinerhead in the morning. Maybe that Tuscan lady with the phallic tattoos...?

Luke returned to the garage to find out that R2 had left.

"At R2's top speed he can go almost two miles an hour, sir," said 3PO. "Unless he gets stuck by an obstacle at least two inches in height. In that case if we drove around in your speeder for several hours we might just find him."

He and 3PO went after R2 in the speeder. When they caught up with him, 3PO reported several creatures approaching from the southeast. Creatures approaching? Out here, in the middle of nowhere?

How exciting!

Luke's first instinct was to go and check it out.

So he was totally surprised when a Sand Person confronted him... with a very deadly stick! Luke was totally unprepared for the striking force of the stick and passed out, even before the first blow was struck.

The Tuscan Raider bent over Luke and unzipped his karate pants. The Tuscan Raider stared at Luke's exposed genitals, wondering if they could really be that small. Shrugging, he pulled out a sharp knife and was about to cut them off for use in a special sausage recipe when he heard a scary sound, and ran off.

The scary sound was Obi Wan's stomach. He didn't eat well in the desert. Obi Wan was on one of his daily walks. Since he had nothing to do in the desert, that's all he did, walk around during the day, every day, for the past 20 years.

Obi Wan made another scary sound. Even though the Sand People could see him now, an old guy in robes, they still ran away! Sand People were really stupid.

Obi Wan knelt over Luke. For some reason he felt Luke's eyeballs. Still intact. Should be worth something on the organ market. Then he checked his tiny genitals. No, no resale value there.

Obi Wan lowered his hood and called out to R2. R2 came forward.

"Don't worry, he'll be all right," said Obi Wan. "No harm done. They were still working on getting his karate bottoms off" He looked down, moving his head close to Luke's groin, closer, closer. He sniffed cautiously. "Almost no harm done. He will need a change in undergarments."

Luke's eyes opened.. "Ben? What are you doing here? And why is your head over my exposed genitals?"  
"Never mind my head and your genitals," said Obi Wan, leaning back sternly. "Tell me, young Luke, what brings you out this far?"

"This little droid claims to be the property of an Obi Wan Kenobi."

"Obi Wan? Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

IN FACT, the last time Obi Wan had heard his name had been at the base of a volcano on Mustafar, when someone, no one in particular, was wildly cursing him out because of a few very minor flesh wounds that Obi Wan had inflicted, purely in self defense.

"Uncle Owen said Obi Wan was dead."

"Oh, he's not dead. He's me."  
"You?" Luke was surprised. Ben didn't look remotely Chinese! "But you don't look Chinese!" And then. "So the droid is yours."

"Don't seem to remember ever owning a droid," said Obi Wan. "I mean, I worked closely with a robot named R2-D2 for years. Many, many, years actually, but who is to say that this is the same R2-D2 robot I got to know so well?"

They heard a roar.

"We better get indoors. The Sand People are easily fooled, but they'll soon be back; and don't forget, they have sticks."

They went for 3PO. His arm had been torn off. "Where am I? I must have taken a bad step." A bad step indeed. He had tried to reach out and cop a feel from one of the Sand People and they hadn't taken kindly to it. They heard the roar of the sand people again. "Leave me sir, leave me and save yourself!" said 3PO. "I'll just have to take my chances with those big, hunky, masculine sand people!"

Luke said, "They don't use robots for sex here."

"Wait! Maybe there is still time to save me after all!" said 3PO.

They went to Obi Wan's apartment in the desert. Luke wondered how Obi Wan had managed to survive in the desert, unmolested; and then he saw it-the HALVES. Half a Sand Person here, half a bounty hunter there, half a Sarlacc, jawas, and more, but only halves, as if they had been sliced neatly into two. Luke asked about it, but Obi Wan told him to pay them no mind. Then he started talking about Luke's dad.

"My father? He didn't fight in the war. He was a florist in a children's nursery."

"That's what your Uncle Owen told you. He didn't like your father's, ah, lifestyle choices," said Obi Wan delicately.

"Dad was gay?" Luke was shocked. "You know, I always thought that maybe he and Uncle Owen-"

"No, not that kind of lifestyle choice!" said Obi Wan. "I'm talking about the Clone Wars."

"You fought in the Clone Wars?" Luke asked.

"Yes. I was once a Jedi Knight, the same as your father," said Obi Wan, fondly recalling his feminine ponytail. All young Jedi apprentices had to have ponytails. And manicures and pedicures. It was all Yoda's idea, part of the program to get them "in touch with their feminine sides".

Luke said, "I wish I'd known my father."

Obi Wan had an image, in his mind, of a black caped Darth Vader playing whiffleball on the bridge of a Star Destroyer with a young Luke. No, not a good idea.

"He was the best star pilot in the galaxy," said Obi Wan. "And he was a good friend." He flashed back to the scene where he had cut off Anakin's arms, legs, and groin. Well, he had been a pretty good friend, up until those unfortunate minor amputations Obi Wan had performed on him which were really Vader's fault if you really thought about it.

"I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this, when you were old enough," said Obi Wan. He remembered Vader, lying on the bank of the volcano, screaming in pain. He was cursing Obi Wan, calling him every name in the book, And then, he paused and added, "Hey Obi Wan. Do me a favor? Take my lightsaber. And give it to my kid, when he's old enough."

Obi Wan brought out a small metal handle. It didn't look very valuable. "What is it?

"Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight"  
Great. Luke wondered what he could get for it at Tushi station.. When he touched it, he thought he heard a deep voice in his mind scream "Padme's Dead? Nooooooooooooooooo!" Luke laughed. The voice sounded so pathetic.

"It was an elegant weapon for guys with ponytails and manicures," said Obi Wan.

"How did my father die?" Luke asked.

"Luke, I'm not going to lie to you like your Uncle Owen did. To be perfectly, absolutely, 100% honest, he was killed by a young Jedi named Darth Vader, a pupil of mine." Ben took a deep breath.

"What? But Uncle Owen said he slipped and fell on a sidewalk!"

"No."

"Tell me the truth, then, the 100% absolute, absolute 100% truth," said Luke.

"Very well." Obi Wan took a deep breath. "One day your father was sitting innocently at the dinner table, eating a bowl of soup. It was chicken noodle, I believe. Then, without warning DARTH VADER came up from behind him and slit his throat. And that is the 100% absolute, absolute 100% truth."

"Why did he kill my father? What did Darth Vader have against my father?"

"Uhhhh... He was angry because your father forgot to send him a card on his birthday. "

"A card on his birthday! He killed him for that?"

The dark side of the force is very sensitive about things like that," said Kenobi, stroking his beard.

"Are you sure this is the absolute truth?"

"Absolutely," said Obi Wan.

"The 100% absolute truth?"

"The 100% absolute truth," Obi Wan reassured him.  
"But Darth is a sith name! How could you have had a Jedi pupil with a sith name?"  
"He pronounced it differently, like "Dart", not "Darth". It was a cunning deception."  
Luke opened up his mouth to ask more about that, but Obi Wan quickly continued. "Anyway, now the Jedi are all but extinct, except for me. And one other. And perhaps one or two others beyond that. But no more than that," said Obi Wan. "Unless you read the crap put out in softcover novels."

"Vader was seduced by the dark side of the force," Obi Wan added.

"The force?"

"Yesssss... The Force is what gives a Jedi his power."

"Power? What kind of power?"

"Well, the force, it can do many things. It can help you slice things really quickly, jump up high, sense all kinds of things. It can even be used to see into the future, to see nearly everything, except the future of your own destruction. "

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So, what is the force really?"  
"It's an energy field created by all living things. Or, alternatively, you can think of it as little organisms called midocloreans that reside in the blood."

"Midocloreans in the blood?" said Luke, making a face. "That sounds stupid."

"Ok ok, go back to mystic energy field."

"That sounds much better," said Luke, brightening.

A hologram of Princess Leia appeared. "Greetings, General Kenobi. Years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars."

Obi Wan distastefully remembered how he had "served" her father, the time he had been ordered to carry the tea tray to Senator Balled Organic and him smirking, saying. "Could I have some more cream in my coffee, master Jedi?"

"-now he begs you to help him in his struggle-"

Bail begging anyone? Yeah, right.

"I regret I cannot see you in person, but by the time you hear this I have undoubtedly been captured by squads of stormtroopers who are undoubtedly running their hands over my firm breasts and other private parts while salivating wildly. But don't concern yourself about me! I have placed vitally important information in this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it."

Her father will know how to retrieve it? Not likely! Obi Wan had another flashback, this time of Bail Organa looking at the numbers 12:00 flashing on a clock droid and him asking, "Anyone know I can set the time?"

"You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour." She lifted her skirt, showing her leg and thigh. "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope."  
What a manipulative little bitch! Just like Padme. Always using her little girl's voice to try to get men to do her bidding. Obi Wan wondered what that "vitally important information" stored in R2 was. Probably cosmetic tips or "50 ways to please your man". Still, it could be important.

Obi Wan turned to Luke. He was told enough, it was time to get him involved in this crazy business. "Luke, you must learn the ways of the force, if you are to come with me to Alderaan."

"You need the Force to book passage on a starship? Why can't you just do it the old fashioned way?" said Luke, sounding confused. "Wait a minute. I have to get home." He sniffed the air. "I smell something cooking from here. Ummmm, it smells like one of Aunt Beru's great Bantha steaks."

"I need your help," said Obi Wan. "I'm getting too old for this sort of thing." Obi Wan was 25 years old in the Clone Wars; now, at 45, he could barely lift a lightsaber.

Luke wavered. Obi Wan gave him watery puppy dog eyes and, using the force, cued some sensitive violin music from his stereo.

"I can't get involved! I have important work to do! I have to pretend to plant crops in the desert so we can get government handouts!"

"That's your Uncle talking."

"Look, I can take you to Weinerhead. You can get a transport from there to Mos Eisley," said Luke. At that moment he realized Obi Wan had no transportation. He lived in the middle of the desert and simply walked around. What kind of lifestyle was this?

"You must do what you feel is right," said Obi Wan. "Even the retarded must do so," he added.

The Imperial Star Destroyer Avenger headed to the Death Star. As per the Emperor's order, the latest and largest starship design, the Death Star, had to be able to fit all other previous classes of ships inside of it, so the Avenger slowly descended into a docking platform a mile wide and several miles long. It would have been easier and quicker to take a shuttle, but that was not the Imperial Way.

In the Imperial Briefing Room, a general with a very bad haircut was talking. They didn't respect the general because he obviously used a barber droid to give him a haircut.

"-the rebel alliance is more well equipped than you realize," he said.

That was a laugh. Everyone knew the rebels only had about 30 single seat fighters.

"The rebellion will continue to gain support in the Imperial Senate-"

That was more laughter. The Senate had long been bought off and controlled by the Emperor.

"The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concerrrrn to us," said Moff Tarkin, entering with Vader. "The Emperor has just dissolved it." He sat at the head of the table. You could tell he was in charge, if only because he had more blue and red sucking candies on his uniform than anyone else. He had sunken cheekbones, as if he didn't get enough to eat. Tarkin hated Death Star food. How he missed his Dark Jedi chef from his Super Star Destroyer! He had used a lot of dark side seasonings that Tarkin favored.

"Fear of this battle station will keep the systems in line," said Tarkin, his beady little eyes shifting left and right.

"And what if the rebellion finds a weakness in the station and exploits it?"

"The plans you refer to should be back in our hands soon," said Vader.

"This station is now the ultimate power in the universe!" snarled another general with kind of a pig nose.

"Don't' be too proud. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared with the power of the force," said Vader. Suddenly he winced. Vader knew that all his bad mouthing of the Death Star was the reason that Tarkin, and not he, had been put in charge here. Vader had actually wanted to be in charge of the Death Star, but when he told the Emperor, the Emperor had said, "Ooooh, so now you want to be in charge, do you? You've spent the past 20 years saying the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant. Well, if it's so insignificant for your attention, we'll have to put someone else in charge. You, we'll keep you in charge of your precious TIE fighter."

Vader snapped back to the present, realizing he was being asked a question. "What?"

"I said, if the force is more powerful than this station, can the force destroy planets?" the general asked.

"Well, no," said Vader.

"How about continents?"  
"No," said Vader.

"How about a small town? A phone booth?"

"It's not that kind of power I'm talking about," said Vader. "I'm talking lightning bolts, Jedi Mind Tricks, jumping around-"

"Your abilities haven't enabled you to find the stolen data tapes, or find the rebel's hidden-"

The snarling general started to choke.

"You seemed agitated. Perhaps it is a good time for a dark side neck massage," Vader asked as the general made choking sounds.

"Vader, rrrelease him!" said Tarkin. The snarling general gasped and his head smacked on the table.

Nice touch, Tarkin thought. "Lord Vader will provide us with the location of the rrrebel base before this station becomes operrrrational. Then we will crush the rrrrebels in one swift stroke."

Oh oh. There it goes again. Tarkin's speech impediment. No one dared say anything.

Luke and Kenobi were at the destroyed remains of a Jawa sandcrawler. "It looks like Sand People. Watch where you step, there's a lot of Bantha droppings all over the place."

"They didn't do this, but we are meant to think they did," said Obi Wan. He picked up some of the manure, crumbled it, sniffed and stuck some on the edge of his tongue. "Definitely dewback."

"Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter jawas?"

Obi Wan had to resist a smile. Everyone wanted to hunt Jawas. There actually was a recipe, his mother used to make, that required two Jawas and a big stewing pot...

Luke's usually plodding mind suddenly went into overdrive. "If they're looking for the droids, they may be on the way back home," said Luke, running for his speeder.

When he got there it was too late. He saw the flame broiled bodies of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. He cried and his karate outfit shook in the wind as hidden violins reached a crescendo. If only he knew what had really happened...

Here's what really happened.

Imperial stormtroopers, some mounted on dewbacks, made their way to the Skywalker ranch. It had taken the better part of the day to travel 500 feet mounted on slow moving Dewbacks, but Imperial regulations must be obeyed, and environmentally sensitive mounts had to be used.

Owen came out, brandishing a blaster rifle. "Who are you? What do you want?" he growled.

The stormtrooper commander said, "Pardon me, Sir, we're looking for-"

"I don't care what you're looking for! You're trespassing!" Owen snapped.

"Sir, we apologize for the intrusion, really we do, but-"

"Get off my property before I-"

It was then that the stormtrooper noticed that Owen was pointing the blaster rifle the wrong way, pointing the handle at the stormtroopers while the business end was pointed at himself. "Sir, I really need to warn you-"

"Are you threatening me!" Owen screamed. He fired the gun, sending a blast through his chest. He fell to the ground.

"Oh my goodness!" said the stormtrooper commander, rushing over to the body. "How terrible? Does anyone here know CPR?"

"I don't," said Jango Fett clone #55335.

"Nor do I," said Jango Fett clone # 583403

"I think since we're, like, all clones we must all know exactly the same things-," said Jango Fett clone # 545452.

The stormtrooper commander said, "We must find his wife." They were about to head into the house when a huge explosion rocked them off their feet. They got up and cautiously went inside the house. They found Aunt Beru's body in the kitchen.

"It looked like faulty wiring on the food cooker," said one stormtrooper.

"How tragic," said the other. "Don't they know that the empire offers free household safety inspections?"

"Very sad. Be sure to leave them a pamphlet describing how the government can help."

Meanwhile, on the Death Star...

Darth Vader didn't see the sense of torture droids. Sure, it was cool the way they hovered in the air, and the way they made those intimidating "whir whir whir" sounds, but really, all they did was inject people with truth serum. Anyone could do that. You didn't even need a droid.

As they entered Princess Leia's cell (with two guards, also in black—the empire mandated color), Vader bumped his head against the low ceiling. Not again. Better stay cool, pretend it didn't happen. The Princess had this surly look on her face, as if she had just made love to one of his stormtroopers. Vader turned and noticed one of the guards had his shirt sticking out of his pants. All right. He'll handle that later. Better stay focused, now.

"And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base."

The torture droid entered and started whirring loudly. "WHIRRR WHIRRR WHIRRR WHIRRR WHIRRR !" Leia recoiled in fear as the needle bit into her left boob.

"I will never tell you anything, no matter how much truth serum you put in me!" said Leia.

The needle pulled out.

"That's not truth serum," said Vader.

"What? Then what is it?" said Leia, startled.

"Ooooh," said Leia. Suddenly she started to feel very good. "Ooooh. Ooooooh."

After a moment, she looked up at Vader. "That's... a beautiful mask you have on."

Her hands went over his arms. "This black leather you are wearing is so... so sexy..." Her hands moved to the control panel at Vader's waist. "How... do you get this off?"

The guards standing behind Vader traded glances.

When Luke got back to Obi Wan he saw the droids cooking marshmallows over some burning jawas.

"There's nothing you could have done if you had been there," said Obi Wan. "You'd have been killed too."

"Couldn't I have sliced them, with the lightsaber?"

"It takes years to learn how to become a Jedi Knight," said Obi Wan. "Or at least two whole days with Yoda."

"I want to become a Jedi, like my father," said Luke.

"Yes, exactly like your father. Will do, that's a promise," said Obi Wan. "How attached are you to your right hand, by the way? Just asking."

They took the landspeeder to a overlook near town.

"Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy," said Obi Wan.

"What about Weinerhead?"  
"Except for Weinerhead."

"And Tushi Station."  
"Yes, and except for Tushi Station."

"And what about Mos Espa?"  
"I get your point," said Obi Wan. "Still we must be cautious."

"Cautious? Cautious in what way?" Luke wanted to know.

"Well, for example, if we go to a bar, and people come to you and say they're wanted men, you should tell them you will be careful," said Obi Wan.

"I'll remember," Luke promised.

They entered town, passing an inordinate number of animated creatures in the space of just a few seconds.

They were stopped by Imperial Stormtroopers.

"How long have you had these droids?"  
"Three or four seasons, they're for sale if you want them," said Ben.

"Let me see your identification," said a stormtrooper.

Obi Wan did a little hand action using the force.

"You don't need to see his identification."

"We don't need to see his identification."  
"These aren't the droids you're looking for."

"These aren't the droids we're looking for."

"You will all find a little room now, and go there and shoot yourselves."  
"We will all find a little room now, and go there and shoot ourselves."

"Move along."  
"Move along," said the stormtrooper to his companions, as they started looking about for a little room. "Move along."

"How did we get past them?" Luke asked, as the stormtroopers hurried away to find a place where they could off themselves.

"The force has a strong effect on the weak minded," said Obi Wan.

"You mean stupid people, don't you?" said Luke.

Obi Wan smiled.

"So why are we going into a bar to find a pilot?"

"Most of the best pilots are to be found here."

"So the best pilots are drunks," said Luke. To his credit, he thought about this. "Don't you think the best pilots would be sober?"

"Watch your step. It can be a bit rough," said Obi Wan. "But the music is really good, if you like bug-eyed alien jazz."

Obi Wan entered the bar and immediately disappeared in the crowd.

Luke started to follow when the fat bartender growled, "Hey! We don't serve their kind here!"

"What?" said Luke.

"Your droids, they'll have to wait outside." The bartender pointed to a sign reading "Thursday is Costume night. Only guests in costume are allowed!"

"But I'm not wearing a costume," said Luke, looking down at his karate outfit.

"The droids will have to go!" said the bartender. "But you, you in the karate costume, you can stay."

Luke turned to the droids. "You'll have to wait outside."

"But there are imperials outside!" said 3PO. R2 gave a low confirming whistle.

"Well... find someplace to hide, like a small dark room somewhere."

"A small dark room?" said 3PO, He gave a clearly avaristic glance down at his companion.

"But no fondling," said Luke.

"Ooooh," said 3PO, clearly disappointed.

Luke went at the bar and tried to look inconspicuous. But a Walrus Head pushed him and made walrus sounds.

"He doesn't like you," said an alien with a carved out face.

"But we've just met!" said Luke.

"20 years ago, he was sliced up by a blonde man in a karate outfit who looked a lot like you."

"Really?"

"Yes, he was enjoying some recreational drugs at a Tuscan Raider encampment, when a guy in a karate outfit with a lightsaber came running out of a tent, screaming 'Mommmmm!' as he sliced them up. Ever since then, he's had a thing about blonde guys in karate outfits."

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"You better watch yourself. We're wanted men!"

"I'll be careful," said Luke, remembering what Obi Wan had told him to say.

"Careful? Careful? That's so insulting! I hate careful people!" the alien cried.

Obi Wan, remembering the code phrase, came forward, his hand surreptitiously grasping his lightsaber. "You don't want this little one, he is, ah, developmentally disabled. Do you like young boys? Come, let me get you something."  
That "something" turned out to be Obi Wan's lightsaber, which, without warning, he ignited, and used to slice up the carved guy and the Walrus Man.

"Everyone saw it," said Obi Wan. "He fired first."

"No, he didn't," said the Bartender.

"He was going to," Obi Wan corrected.

Luke got up. "I'm all right," he said, even though NO ONE HAD CARED ENOUGH TO ASK.

Obi Wan referred to a large gorilla/dog hybrid behind him. "Chewbacca here is first mate on a ship that might suit us."

The bug eyed ET aliens played soothing soft jazz as the mopping team cleared lightsabered body parts from the dance floor.

Obi Wan and Luke sat down in a cubicle and met Han Solo.

"I'm Captain of the Millennium Falcon."

"What a long and odd sounding name for a spaceship," said Luke.

"It was shorter than the alternatives we thought of."

"Really? What were they?"

"Quadrennial Osprey or Septuptnarian Seagull," said Solo.

"Oh, yes, that makes sense," said Luke.

"Chewie tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system."

"If it's a fast ship," said Obi Wan.

"Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."

"Parsecs are a unit of distance, not time," said Obi Wan. "That's like saying I made it from here to the doorway in less than 50 feet."

"I've outrun Imperial Starships, even the big Corellean ships," said Solo.

"Did you do it in less than 12 parsecs?" said Obi Wan, with a cynical smile.

"What's the cargo?" Solo asked, changing the subject.

"Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked."

"What is it, some kind of local trouble?"

"That was a question! I told you, no questions asked," said Obi Wan. "Let's just say we want to avoid guys with blasters who all shop at the same store for white body armor."

"Well, that's going to cost something extra… 10,000, all in advance."

"10,000! We could almost buy our own ship for that!"

The kid thought he could buy a spaceship for 10,000 credits. He could barely buy a speeder for that. Solo had him pegged for the village idiot by his karate outfit, but since it was costume night he had been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, until now.

"Sure kid, but could you fly it?"

"You bet I could. Listen, I have a lightsaber, and if you keep annoying me, I'll-"

"We can pay you 200 dollars now, and two million dollars when we get to Alderaan," said Obi Wan.

"So... almost nothing now, but an impossibly large sum when we get there?"

Obi Wan nodded.

Han considered. "All right, that makes sense."

Solo noticed Imperials talking to the bartender. "We're looking for people in karate outfits," said one of them.

The Bartender pointed to Luke and Ben.

"All right, we'll check it out."

But the Imperials moved so slowly that by the time they reached the table, Luke and Ben were gone.

"I guess we have to walk faster next time," said one of the troopers. He noticed Solo's aimless stare.

"We're harmless," Solo informed the troopers. "And we never fire first."

Outside, Ben said, "You'll have to sell your speeder."

"That's ok, I'm never coming back to this planet again," said Luke. And then, as an afterthought, "Unless it's to come back and kill a large number of people. But first you have to teach me how to use that lightsaber."

In the Cantina...

Greedo stepped forward, saying, "Going somewhere, Solo?" He had a blaster pointed straight at Solo. They sat back down.

"Yes, I was just going to see Jabba. Tell him I've got his money!"

"It's too late. Jabba's put a price on your head that's so big that every bounty hunter in the galaxy is looking for you!"

"But… I only owe him 39 dollars!" said Solo. He really hadn't thought it was that big of a deal.

"If you give me the money now, I might forget I found you," said Greedo.  
"I don't have the money with me, tell Jabba-"

"Jabba has no time for smugglers who dump their cargo at the first sign of Imperial Cruisers."

"I couldn't outrun them," said Solo.

"I thought you could make the Kessel run in 12 parsecs," said Greedo mockingly.

"I uh, only had 8 parsecs," said Solo.

"You can tell it to Jabba. Let's go."

"No, wait, aren't you going to shoot me?" said Solo.

"No, just taking you to Jabba," said Greedo.  
"Wouldn't you rather shoot me?" Solo looked around. Everyone was watching. If they saw him firing first, they would all think he was a monster. He had to get Greedo to fire first.

"No," said Greedo.

"I refuse!" said Solo. "You'll have to shoot me."  
"Oh, Come on." said Greedo. "Let's go to Jabba. It will be fun. You can yell at him and berate him as much as you like. You can even step on his tail. Please?"

Solo reached out under the table and stepped hard on Greedo's foot. Greedo screamed, the blaster jerked, and went off, harmlessly striking the wall. Solo immediately shot him from under the table.

"You saw, you all saw, he fired first," said Solo. He tossed the bartender a coin. "You saw it, you saw it, you all saw it!"

Vader was reporting to Tarkin.

"Her resistance to the mind probe is considerable."

"There was no mind probe, Vadar," said Tarkin. "I'm looking at a transcript of your so-called interrogation." He read from it. "Oh, oh, Vader. I love the size of lightsaber. Give it to me again, give it to me!"

"Well, we had to try something," said Vader.

Imperial troops searched door to door, looking for the droids. They knocked on the door where R2 and 3PO were hiding.

"No answer," said the trooper.

"All right, that means they're not there. Droids would answer the door," said their leader. You could tell he was the leader because he wore a shoulder pad.

"Even rebel droids?"

"Rebel droids programmed to act like regular droids would," said the troop leader.

After they had left, the door opened and 3PO said, "I would much rather have gone with Master Luke than stayed here with you."

R2 gave an indignant beep.

"Still, since we are here, might as well make the best of it," 3PO said, his hand reaching out to open one of R2's compartments.

R2 gave a shrill electronic scream as the door closed.

As Luke and Ben walked through the market Luke said, "Did you notice something?"  
"What?"

"An ant-eater looking alien with a big nose and giant goggles speaking into a transmitter?"  
"No, I didn't notice a thing," said Ben.

Jabba the Hutt stood outside the Millennium Falcon with his guards. He looked small and green compared to his large and pale figure he cut in his palace. "Solo, come out!"  
"Right here, Jabba," said Solo.

"Han my boy, why did you fry poor Greedo?"

"He fired first!" said Solo. "Everyone saw it!"

"What if everyone who worked for me dropped their cargo at the first sign of trouble?" said Jabba.

"Even I get boarded sometimes," said Solo. He yelled at Jabba, abused him, and stepped on his tail. Jabba meekly let Solo lecture him.

"Yes Han. Thank you Han," said Jabba. "Take all the time you need. I'm sorry to have bothered you," he said meekly. His guards turned to go, except for Boba Fett, who stood around posing for photographs and signing autographs.

Luke and Ben arrived at the ship.

"What a piece of junk!" said Luke.

"She'll make .5 past lightspeed," said Solo.

".5 what?" said Luke, curling his lip. ".5… parsecs?"

"None of your lip, kid," Solo growled. "I made a lot of special modifications myself."

"Special modifications?"

"We painted," Han explained.

The Ant-Eater alien approached the Stormtroopers.

"Which way?" the leader asked.

"Whirr Whirr," said the Alien.

"What did he say?"

"Buzz buzz," said the alien.

" If you're going to spy for the Empire, at least take the trouble to learn English," the troop leader admonished.

Ten minutes later, they realized that the ant-eater alien was pointing in a certain direction for a reason. "All right men, load your weapons," said the leader, forgetting that they had brought blasters, not muskets.

"Remember, we have orders to take them alive, we need to find out where the plans are," said the leader.

When they got to the bay, they saw Han frantically reapplying touchup paint to the exterior.

"Stop that ship, blast them!" said one, opening fire. They fired 50 shots, hitting everything but Han. Han fired back once without aiming, killing two, before running into the ship.

The ship launched. Chewie growled something.

"No, I didn't have time to buy more bananas," said Solo. "It looks like an Imperial Cruiser is following us. Try to angle the deflector shield while I make the calculations for the jump to hyperspeed."  
"Wrrraaa!"

"Yes, I know, I should have made the calculations beforehand, but did you really want to take off with all those unpainted scratches on the front ramp?" Solo asked.

"Wrraaa!"

"No, I don't think the Imperials feed bananas to Wookie prisoners."

Luke and Ben entered the cockpit.

"I thought you said this thing was fast!" said Luke.

"We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace."

"How long before you can make the jump to hyperspeed?" Ben asked.

"It will take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navicomputer," said Solo.

"Not if you had made the calculations on the ground beforehand," said Luke.

"That ramp you boarded the ship on-do you think it was just going to paint itself?" Solo asked.

The Death Star arrived at Alderaan. Princess Leia was brought to the control room.

"Governor Tarkin! I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board."

This was no laughing matter to Tarkin. He had had a problem with personal hygiene for many years. Stormtroopers followed him at a distance. Other officers positioned themselves upwind when talking to him. Even the Emperor, when he had promoted Tarkin to Moff, had done so on the condition that he do something about "that smell".

After many futile efforts Tarkin finally turned to the team who had designed the Death Star, and they developed the solution. It was called the "Death Star deodorant".

"This is the most powerful deodorant in the galaxy," he had been assured. "More powerful than all the other deodorants in the imperial fleet combined, capable of destroying an entire planet of bad odors."

"Destroying bad odors is nothing compared to the power of the Force," Vader had countered. "I haven't showered in nearly 25 years. Do you smell anything on me?"

Tarkin had to admit that he didn't.

But he tried the Death Star deodorant anyway. He went to his quarters and took off his shirt and stood before it. The deodorant was contained in a giant black ball with a big spray gun built in on one side. It actually looked like a miniature Death Star, but this was the Death Star of all deodorants. The Death Star deodorant hung in midair over Tarkin's left armpit.

"You may fire when ready," said Tarkin, raising his left arm up.

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash, and an enormous spray of chemicals struck his left arm. Tarkin sniffed experimentally. He smelled nothing! No smell could resist the power of this Death Star deodorant!

Tarkin smiled down at Leia, staring at her perky breasts. "You don't know how hard it was signing the order to terminate your life," said Tarkin, trying to get back at her.

"I'm surprised you had the courage to do it yourself," said Leia.

Actually he hadn't. Tarkin always liked to defer difficult decisions to others. He tried to get Vader to sign it, but Vader had asked why.

"Well, you know..."

"Can't you do this yourself?"

"It's just that I'm busy."

"Will only take a minute," said Vader.

"I hurt my hand while playing lacrosse this morning," said Tarkin.

"Would you like me to take a look at it?"

"Never mind!" said Tarkin. He turned away, looking for the junior officer with the large sideburns. He would have him sign it.

"With this battle station, no star system will dare oppose the Emperor now," said Tarkin, waving his hands in the dark and very empty control room, to demonstrate the might of the Empire. The guards took several precautionary steps back as Tarkin waved his arms in the air, and then Tarkin remembered that he had indeed forgotten to use his Death Star Deodorant this morning.

"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fin-gars." Fin-gars, she actually said Fin-gars. In times of stress Leia tended to revert to a British accent, even though she had been raised by Puerto Ricans on Alderaan.

"Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the rebel base, I have chosen to test this station on your home planet of Alderaan."

Leia's eyes widened, which normally only happened when one of her bodyguards disrobed in front of her. "You can't! Alderaan is filled with peaceful, socialist vegetarians-"  
"You would prefer another target, a military target, then name the system!" Tarkin moved forward until his chest was pressed against Leia's small rebel boobs. They felt soft but firm against Tarkin's sucking candy rank insignia.

Leia moved backwards, accidently pressing one of Vader's chest buttons. In response, two stormtroopers immediately entered the room carrying handcuffs, a large black bullwhip, and a bucket of chocolate dark side ice cream.

Leia looked out the viewport at Alderaan. She thought of all her ex-boyfriends, and her palaces and castles and fancy hovercars and favorite cosmetics and hairdo stores and everything she stood to lose.

"Dantooine," she whispered. "They're on Dantooine."  
'We just came from Tattooine," said Vader. "There's nothing there."

"Dantooine. I didn't say Tattooine, I said Dantooine."

"There are actually two planets with almost identical sounding names?" Tarkin asked. An aide, punching in a query, nodded.

"Very well. There Lord Vader, she can be rrrreasonable." That rolling of the r's, that speech impediment, was coming back again. "You may fire when rrrrready," Tarkin added.

"What?' said Leia.

"You're far too trusting. If we destroy Dantooine, everything will confuse it with Tattooine, which no one really cares about. But don't worry, we will deal with your rrrrebel frrrriends soon enough."

"No!' said Leia.

"I am not heartless," said Tarkin. "To comfort you during this difficult time, I will play the audio recording of your most recent interrogations." He nodded to his muttonchops assistant.

Sounds of Leia's erotic moanings started to come out of the loudspeakers in the control room. "Ooooh... Ooooh... yessss!"

Several small lasers shot out and combined to blast the planet, which gave off a horizontal wave of energy.  
"Yessss! Yeeeesss! Yeeeeesss!" Leia's voice yelled with passion, as her home planet blew up.

"IT"S A HIT!" were displayed in giant letters on the main viewscreen.

"Woohoo!" said Tarkin. He jumped in the air, high fiving a black clad fleet trooper standing next to him. Simultaneously, party streamers and balloons fell from the ceiling as a jazzy version of the Imperial March started to play. Imperial Stormtroopers started to dance vigorously to the band music.

Tarkin saw Leia's expression. "If it helps console you any, your highness, you should know that this is a green hybrid battle station. We have thousands of solar panels lining the surface of this station, collecting the blast from the explosion, reaffirming the Emperor's personal commitment to green energy."

In the Falcon, Obi Wan sat down, looking constipated. "I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices cried out, and then were silenced."

"Was it George Lucas telling people to shut up about Jar Jar Binks?" Luke asked.

"No... no."

"Then what were they crying out?" Luke asked.

"I'm not sure. Some of them were saying things like 'I hate you, Princess', or 'It's all your fault, Princess'" said Ben.

Chewbacca, who was playing holographic monster chess with R2, cried out as one of his pieces got beaten.

"He made a fair move," said 3PO. "Crying about it won't help."

"It's not wise to upset a wookie," said Han. "They can pull arms out of people's sockets when they lose."

"I see. R2, I suggest a new strategy: let the wookie win," said 3PO.

R2, who didn't have any arms, but knew that 3PO did, did the opposite, trying his best to win at all costs.

Luke used his lightsaber to guard against attacks from a remote. But the remote shot him in his anus.

Han tried to resist the urge to laugh. "Ha ha ha." He didn't resist very hard.

"You don't believe in the force, do you?"  
"Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. If the Force existed, we'd have a lot of people around who could use it, like Jedi, right? Since there are none, it must be a made up thing."

One of the first things the Emperor did when he got in charge was to change the history books. In the revised version, Jedi were simply deluded bad fashion low life ponytails in karate outfits who could only be helped by being shot on sight.

Ben made Luke put on a helmet with the blast shield down.

"But I won't be able to see anything," Luke whined.

"Act on instinct," said Obi Wan. "Stretch out with your feeee-lings." He paused, thinking about what he had said. "As long as those feelings aren't hate. Or anger. Or love. Or anything of substance."

Predictably, the remote started zapping Luke left and right. Luke stretched out through the force. He felt Obi Wan, who was trying hard to hold back both disappointment and laughter. He felt Han Solo, worried about his money. He felt 3PO, feeling some kind of robotic homoerotic love. And then he felt the remotes, and deflected them.

Luke took off the blast shield. "You know, I did feel something."

"Very good, you've taken your first step into a larger world," he said, using the Force to amplify the condescension in his voice.

When the Falcon came out of hyperspace, they found themselves in an asteroid field.

"You know, you only get paid if you get us to Alderaan. Random asteroid fields don't count," said Obi Wan.

"These are the right coordinates."

"Are you sure?" Luke said.

Suddenly, the upper half of Bail Organa's torso smack against the cockpit. His beard was neatly manicured, except for the part of his face that was burned off. He stared at them in an empty way at them for a moment before his corpse was blown away.

"Alderaan's been blown away," said Han.

"Blown away?" said Luke. "What kind of blow job could do that?"

"By the Empire," said Obi Wan.

"The entire Empire couldn't blow that," said Han.

Suddenly a TIE fighter came roaring by. It headed for a small moon.

"That's no moon," said Obi Wan. Through the Force he sensed the beginning of ominous french horn music.

"I have a very bad feeling about this," said Luke, his stomach tightening in just the same way it did when he saw Uncle Owen removing his heavy leather belt.

"Turn the ship around," said Obi Wan. Han didn't respond. Obi Wan went back to the main gallery, made some coffee, sniffed it, drank it slowly, then returned to the control room.

"I think you're right," Han finally said. "Chewie, turn the ship around."

They couldn't, they were caught in a tractor beam.

"Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power," said Han.

Chewie moved a lever, one which was RIGHT IN FRONT OF HAN. Obi Wan, using the force, could sense how lazy Han was.

"We'll have to shut down. But they're not going to get me without a fight," said Han.

"You can't win. But there are other alternatives to fighting."

Han heard a ripping sound and saw Obi Wan ripping off a piece of his robe to create a little white flag.

"We can surrender," said Obi Wan. "Or we can play dead. Or we can put our fingers in our ears and cover our eyes, and hope if we can't see or hear them, that they can't do the same."

"Wait, I have another idea," said Han.

The Falcon was held motionless for a moment as Death Star traffic control attempted to find parking.

"What about Bay 44?" said a female voice over the Imperial traffic control system. "It has valet parking, but a two hour parking limit. Does that work?"

"That's handicapped parking only," said a male voice.

"What about Bay 42?"

"That's for hybrids and ecologically green vehicles only," said the male voice.

"This isn't really about what bay to park them in, is it?" said the female voice.

"What do you mean?" said the male voice.

"You want me to get an abortion, don't you?"  
"It's considered quite a safe procedure, and is really the sensible thing to do," said the male voice.

When the ship landed, the Imperials lined up in polite rows, which would have made them easy targets for a gunner inside the Falcon. More arrived in a cargo lift from a lower level. They looked so clean and shiny, having come directly from the Armor Polishing and Buffing Section.

Vader came up to the entry ramp, where a junior officer of yellow sucking candy rank met him.

"There's no one on board, sir," he said. "According to the log, they abandoned ship right after takeoff."

"So this ship flew on autopilot to Alderaan," said Vader.

"Yes."

"And once there, it changed course, also on autopilot, and chased our TIE Fighter."

"I guess."

"And then the engines increased to full reverse when we grabbed it in our tractor beam, and then the engines, still on autopilot, shut down on their own," said Vader.

"Yes sir," said the officer.

"Send a scanning crew aboard, I want every inch checked. I sense something… a presence I've not felt since…"

Vader tried hard to remember. Where had he felt that presence before? Oh, yes, it was on Mustafar when Obi Wan had chopped off his arms and legs! What a coincidence! Vader stretched out through the force and determined precisely under which panel of flooring Obi Wan was hiding. He could sense Obi Wan had a grim expression on his face. And he was gripping his lightsaber. Oh nooooooo!

Vader's worst nightmare had come true. Obi Wan had come back to finish the job.

"Where?"

"What?"

"You sensed a presence. Can you tell us where on the ship it is?"

Vader had a premonition of going into the ship, Obi Wan jumping out, and slicing him a few more ways before he could react. No, not going to do that!

"Ah, somewhere," said Vader. Deciding he needed to be somewhere else real fast, he ran away.

Han and the others emerged from the floor panels.

"Boy, it's lucky you had these here," said Luke. "But what are all these little children's clothes doing in these compartments?"

"I, ah, smuggle childrens' clothes," said Han. Before they could ask the inevitable followup question, he added,"This is ridiculous! Even if I could takeoff, I can't get past the tractor beam."

"Leave that to me," said Obi Wan.

"You fool, I knew you were going to say that," said Han.

"Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?" Obi Wan asked.

At that, they both turned and looked squarely at Luke.

Outside the ship, the very unarmed tech team arrived. "You're to go in there alone, and unarmed, and scan for anyone hiding in there," said the Stormtrooper.

"What if there are armed people in there who shoot at us?"

"Then put that down in your report."

"Roger that."

"Also, we sent all the other troops away except for us two. But we'll stand with our backs to the ship, waiting to hear from you," said the Stormtrooper.

A moment later at a control post, a space nazi was calling out to the stormtroopers who were supposed to be guarding the ship. "TK2421, why aren't you at your post?"  
"I'm off duty, in the armor polishing section," came the immediate reply.

"I thought 2421 was on duty now."

"No, that's 4221, you transposed the numbers."

"Oh, sorry about that."

"Don't worry, it happens all the time."  
The space nazi looked out the bay window, saw a trooper emerge from the ship, and point to his head, in the universal, "I'm retarded" gesture. This was the classic problem with rapid scale cloning. A certain percentage of the clone's brains melted down at random times, requiring small electrical corrections (shock therapy) to get them going again.

"Take over, we got a retard," said the Space Nazi. He opened the door, to be clubbed by Chewbacca while the other Imperial officer was shot by Han.

At the time, Han thought he had fired first, but, thinking about it years later, wondered if the Imperial Officer had perhaps fired first and missed. Yes, that's what must have happened. Han would never fire first.

Luke closed the door behind them. The heavy door closed in a split second. That was part of Moff Tarkin's standing orders to have doors close quickly; the heavier they were, the quicker. "If you cannot get to the other side of a door in time, then the fault is yours," the Moff had said after reading the latest causality reports of people crushed by doors after his policy went into effect.

"I found an outlet, sir," said 3PO, pointing to a small hole in the wall.

"Plug him in, we should be able to get access to the entire Imperial network," said Obi Wan.

3PO looked on enviously as R2 plugged himself into the machine.

"R2, if it's that good, I'd like to try it next," said 3PO.

R2 rapidly pulled up the information.

"He says the power for the tractor beam can be cut off from any of seven places."

"Seven different places? Does he have anything in a big, wide, safe corridor with railings?," said Obi Wan.

"Just a moment sir," said 3PO. Then, "I'm sorry, sir, they are all in areas with narrow walkways over big, dark, bottomless shafts." In a moment R2 produced a schematic of a location.

"I don't think you boys can help," said Obi Wan. Of course, they could, but Obi Wan had some other business to attend to. For he had sensed Vader too. Time to complete some unfinished business!

"Whatever you say," said Han. "I've already done more than I bargained for. I expect a bonus for waiting."

"A bonus for waiting?"

"Sure, like a taxi," said Han. "Time is money, kid."

"I want to go with you," Luke whined.

"You must stay and watch the droids," said Obi Wan. "And take particular care to keep sure the tall one keeps its hands off the small one."

"But, I want to go!"

"Your destiny lies along a different path than mine," said Obi Wan. "The Force will be with you, always."

Luke looked like he was going to cry.

The minute Obi Wan left, Han lowered his voice two octaves and imitated Ben, saying, "Your destiny lies along a different path than mine. The Force will be with you, always." He and Chewbacca had a good laugh.

Suddenly R2 gave a wild whistle.

"What is it?" Luke asked.

"I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir," said 3PO. "He keeps saying, She's going to be executed! Good! Good! It's about time!"

"What?"

"Princess Leia is in a detention cell.."  
"Where?"

R2 beeped

"How can you say you don't know?" said C3PO. "I clearly heard you just say, Level 5 Block AA23."

R2 was not eager to see her rescued.

"She's scheduled to be terminated."

R2 whistled and jumped up and down. Luke didn't know he could do that.

"Oh no, we have to rescue her!"  
"I'm not going anywhere," said Han.

"They're going to execute her!" said Luke.

R2 beeped cheerfully.

"Better her than me," said Han.

"She's rich. The reward would be a lot!"

"She's from Alderaan. She probably only has Alderaan dollars. I have a feeling they aren't worth too much right now," said Han.

"She has a lot more than that!" said Luke. "I think she owns a lot of real estate on Dantooine.

"Really?" said Han.

"Yeah," said Luke. "And a big ice cream factory on Hoth. And the largest furrier in the galaxy on Kashyyyk."

Chewbacca growled.

"Ah, I'm sure it's all about artificial furs," said Han.

A squad of stormtroopers marched through a dark corridor, their plastic white groin protectors clicking and swaying in step as they marched along.

Obi Wan Kenobi followed them. Every time someone saw him, which was frequently, he gave them one of his little hand jobs before passing them by.

Darth Vader moved down a corridor. He stopped, pausing. Obi Wan was near! He was coming after him! Why wouldn't he just leave him alone, wasn't cutting off his arms and legs enough? All right. He would face off Obi Wan. Then he would cut off some of Obi Wan's body parts! And then he, Darth Vader, would cry about what a great brother Obi Wan had been, and how sad it was to have to cut off Obi Wan's weiner.

Han, Luke, and Chewie walked around the corridors, pretending to be stormtroopers with Chewbacca as their prisoner. The instructions 3PO gave were simple: they were supposed to walk 200 feet to an elevator, and take it to the detention center.

It took them a long time to get there because Chewbacca kept stopping to follow and sniff the crotches of some of the exotic creatures they came across.

Finally, they got to the elevator.

"Is this the right one?" Luke asked.

"Sure," said Han.

They got into the elevator and took it down. When the door opened, they found themselves…

In Moff Tarkin's conference room. Tarkin and Vader turned to stare at them.

"Yes, can we help you?" said Tarkin.

Luke, feeling the sweat collecting on his neck, shook his head, and pressed another button.

A moment, and two more stops later, the elevator opened again. Tarkin and Vader stared at them.

They were back at the same conference room, and Tarkin was addressing the admirals. "-the Emperor has ordered that one serving of fruit or vegetables go into every stormtrooper lunch-" he stopped, staring at the open elevator. "Again?" Tarkin said, clearly annoyed. "Where arrrre you trrrrying to go?"

"De-detention block," said Han.

Tarkin stared solemnly at them for a moment.

"I sense something… something I haven't sensed in a long time…" said Vader.

"Oh, shut up Vader, you're always saying that," said Tarkin. He stared at Han and Luke. "Two levels down, one elevator over. You just got the two elevators confused."

"Sorry."  
"Happens all the time" Tarkin smiled. He waved goodbye. They waved back.

After the door closed, Tarkin turned to Vader. "Are you really sure those fools are going to be able to find the Princess, much less rescue her?"

They finally got to the cellblock. A space nazi was there, flanked by a few guards. "Welcome to the spa!"

"The spa?" said Han, confused.  
"Yes," said the space nazi.

"We're looking for the cell block." said Han.

"You must be new here," said the space nazi.

Han admitted that he was.

"The Empire has decreed more humane treatment of prisoners," said the officer. "Yes, they have to be confined, but there no need for them to suffer in captivity. That's why we offer a full range of body massages and oils and scents."  
He gestured to several stormtroopers behind him. One held bath towels, and another a wicker basket full of organic soaps.

"Oh," said Han.

"Now, is this creature here for the massage, or the sponge bath?" the officer asked.

Han and Luke responded by drawing their guns and shooting. Han APPEARED to fire first, but of course, he probably didn't. Probably, one of the guards, seeing through their ruse, had drawn his weapon and fired first, because a good person like Han Solo would never, ever fire first.

Unfortunately, though, Han and Luke's aim was so bad that they had trouble hitting anything. They knocked out a few appliances-a tanning bed, massage table, and the whirlpool, but didn't have much luck hitting the stormtroopers.

Finally, after several minutes where the guards stood perfectly, perfectly still without firing back, Han and Luke managed to shoot them. Accidently.

A console that monitored the temperature of the hot tub started to beep. Han went over to it while Luke went off to find the Princess.

Luke paused by the group of cells, looking for the right one. As his hand moved by the door controls he accidently touched one, and the door to 1138 opened. Inside was a bald man in a white outfit with the letters "THX" on it, making love to a bald woman who was moaning "Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh".

"Oh, wrong door," said Luke, heading down the corridor.

Princess Leia was upset. Not only was Alderaan destroyed, but all her makeup and toiletries had been lost on her corvette. She had asked for some more but was told there were almost no women aboard the ship. Finally they had handed her a wicker basket of scented oils and small towelettes, and a small black bra. She had tried to put the bra on but it bit into her cruelly. She had asked the guard about it and was told that it was a dark side bra belonging to someone named Mara Jade.

But what Leia was really in need of was some loving. She hadn't made love to anyone in nearly eight hours. It had been the saunamaster during the night shift. He had given her her scheduled back rub, but had tossed in "something extra" when Leia had hinted that she might know the location of another rebel base.

But that was eight long hours ago and Leia needed some loving. She resolved to seduce the first being to step through the door.

Suddenly, the cell door opened! But it was only a stormtrooper, and a short one at that. "Aren't you a bit short for a stormtrooper? Say, how big are your hands?" Leia asked.

"Huh?" said the stormtrooper.

"I mean, why don't you sit down, and take a break," said Leia. She guided him down by his shoulders. She liked the firm feel of his thin plastic armor plating. She stared at his white metal helmet. "Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are?"  
"We don't have time for this," said Luke.

"I have some rebel secrets you might like to know," said Leia. She smiled slyly, pulling up the hem of her skirt. "Wouldn't you like to interrogate me?"

Luke took off his helmet. She was astonished to see a guy with shaggy 70's disco hair.

"I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you!"  
"What?"

"Obi Wan is here, we have your droids."

"What about the guards?"

"We've taken care of them!"  
"Even the tall one, the saunamaster?"

"He is here," said Vader.

"Obi Wan Kenobi?" said Tarkin. "What makes you think so?"

I smelled his aftershave? What did Tarkin expect Vader to say. "I felt a tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master."

"The last time being when he cut off your…."

"Watch it," said Vader.

"Surely he must be dead by now," said Tarkin. "He would be what, at least 45 years old?"

"The Jedi are extinct. You are the last of their orrrder," said Tarkin, forgetting that Vader was a Sith now, not a Jedi. "And you assured us he was dead, didn't you?"

"What?"

"Remember, all those years ago, you said you tracked him down on Tattooine, and found out that he had died in that unfortunate boating accident?"  
"Uh... yes..."

"The Emperor believed you, of course, he believes anything you say, but as Tattooine has no water, I always found your explanation a little too convenient," said Tarkin.

Suddenly Tarkin's com tee-teed. "What is it?" Tarkin snapped. "I gave orders for this comm to give a buzzing sound. What is it still doing giving a tee-tee sound?"

"The Princess has escaped."

"It's about time," said Tarkin, rolling his eyes. "Have the guards been alerted to react slowly and aim poorly?"

"Affirmative."

"Very good," said Tarkin.

"Obi Wan is here, and the Force is with him."

"I thought the Force was with you," said Tarkin. "How could it be both with you and him?"  
"Well you see..."

"Haven't you and the Emperor been saying like, I don't know, a zillion times, that the dark side was so much more powerful than the light side of the force?"

"Well, yes, but-"

The elevator door blew open and more stormtroopers entered the prison sauna level. Despite the fact that only 4 stormtroopers could fit in an elevator, and only one could come out at a time, they quickly overwhelmed Han and Chewie, forcing them back into the corridor.

Luke called 3PO on the comm.. "3PO, are there any other ways out of the cellbay?"

"I'm sorry sir, but R2 is being particularly uncooperative. He claimed I tried to touch him in an improper way and now he is refusing to talk to me."

Han fired at the Imperials. He was a perfect target in that narrow corridor, but the Imperials, following orders, fired at everything around him except him.

"What?" said Tarkin when he heard. "They're trapped in the prison bay? How inept is that?"

He listened to the voice on the other end.

"No, don't withdraw the troops. That will look too obvious," he thought for a moment. "Is there any way the troops could shoot themselves, I mean accidently, to clear a way for them to escape?"

He listened to the response. "Ok, let me think of something else." He paused. "Turn on the smoke machine."

Smoke started to pour through the detention center, giving them visual cover.

Princess Leia's hand felt something wet. Feeling instinctively aroused, she reached down and felt humidity from the toilet vent.

Toilets on the Death Star were highly unusual. They consisted of a little slot for liquid waste but nothing for solid waste. Instead there was a small hole for someone to squat over and a little black ball inside of it, a tiny replica of the death star. Whenever someone squeezed out solid waste, the tiny death star would generate a tiny blast which would atomize the solid waste. But if the aim of the machine was off even a little, a person's backside could get scorched. It was not only fear of the Death Star that kept planets in line, but fear of the Death Star toilets that kept the stormtrooper asses in line.

Leia shot the vent open. She hesitated. It smelled bad. But it was also hot and wet. She dived in. The others followed.

Han landed on a pile of manure. Perhaps the little death star atomizers missed a few of their targets. His white armor immediately turned brown.

He tried to fire at the door, but his shot bounced around.

"Stop that!" Leia screamed. Her hair was covered with Vader's urine.

"Absolutely your highness," said Han. He didn't know it but he had excrement on his forehead that had come from the inside of Moff Tarkin's anus just an hour ago. Tarkin, sitting on the toilet, had fantasized that going to the bathroom would be like firing the Death Star's superlaser. Tarkin, squeezing and grunting on the Imperial Toilet, said, "And now, witness the firepower of my fully armed and operational colon," after which he had squeezed off some manure which now lay on Han's forehead.

Suddenly, they were attacked by the giant tentacled toilet monster. In keeping with the Emperor's order to go green whenever possible, they had secured a toilet monster from Wankerine (near Dantooine) who literally consumed manure. Then, as the monster grew large enough, it would be cut into foul steaks and served to the stormtroopers, so all could truly be recycled. Meat loaf days in the Death Star cafeteria was always standing room only.

Luke was pulled underwater. The monster, thinking he was excrement, tried to eat him, but after a few nibbles started to realize that Luke tasted different from excrement. Not much different, but enough to let him go.

When Luke surfaced he was no longer blonde, and he was gasping, having swallowed 7 liquid pounds of excrement, including Sith waste from Darth Vader's buttocks.

Chewbacca sniffed the water experimentally. He put a drop to his mouth, tasted it, and then started to lap it up enthusiastically.

"So, they're trapped in the sewer?" said Tarkin. He listened to barely inaudible response, shaking his head. "All right, if we decompress the walls, they should be able to escape, right?" He heard the response, in the affirmative. "All right then, have the walls retract."

In the sewage room, the walls started to come together—to do the opposite. It would take the stormtroopers several minutes to realize their mistake, and an officer would lose several sucking candies in rank for this error.

Imperials broke into the command center above the bay, after failing to figure out how to operate the door controls. They opened a broom closet, to find 3PO rubbing his hands feverishly over R2's welding arm, the closest thing the astromech droid had to a groin.

"What are you doing there?"

"We were locked in here by the rebels, they didn't approve of our kind of love," said 3PO.

The troopers, all except one, quickly left.

3PO and R2 headed for the door. "All this excitement and physical stimulation has overrun the circuits in my counterpart. If you don't mind, I'd like to take him down to maintenance for some badly needed lubrication."

They went to a corner of the docking bay.

"Now, where were we?" said 3PO, caressing R2's dome with his hands.

R2 beeped indignantly.

"Oh, the comlink, I forgot about that," said 3PO. "I think I accidently turned it off when I was rubbing my torso against your-" R2 beeped again. "Ok, I am turning it on."

They immediately heard Luke yelling at them.

"We've had some problems," said 3PO. "We got interrupted by Imperials and we ran out of lube-"

"Shut down all the garbage compactors!" Luke screamed.

"You heard him, R2, shut them all down!"

Tarkin, listening on a private line, sighed. Luke had mistakenly ordered them to shut down the garbage compactors. But they were in a sewage compactor. He gave the correct order, and watched muttonchops, the british guy with the big sideburns, to make sure it was done right.

Obi Wan looked at the narrow platform, without rails, over the deep chasm, and wondered for only an instant why important tractor beam controls were put very close to a deep pit. It was the Emperor's doing. He loved casualty reports, any casualty reports, even those of his own troopers in accidents. When he would read them he would laugh, "Ah ha ha ha! There goes another clumsy one, down the bottom of the shaft!" He also loved to order the crew to walk around shafts and then order the ship to do radical evasive maneuvers. Then he would go to the bottom of the shafts, kick some fallen bodies, and laugh some more.

They took off their stormtrooper armor and very very slowly got back in their own clothes, which were miraculously dry even after being waterlogged in the sewage room. Their hair was also dry and windblown and Princess Leia even had big red patches on her cheeks where she had applied makeup, to look good for the stormtroopers they were sure to encounter.

They were very leisurely about it, so leisurely in fact that when after spending an hour slowly getting back into their clothes and seeing no stormtroopers appeared, Han opened one of his belt packs and suggested they stop for some instant coffee.

"What?" said Tarkin. "They've stopped right outside the chamber for instant coffee! The nerve!"  
"I hope they're using recyclable cups. If they're not, the Emperor will be most displeased if he finds out about it," said Vader.

Meanwhile, Obi Wan was making his way to the tractor beam controls which, quite logically, were on a very narrow platform over a bottomless black pit. Stormtroopers came onto the platform near where Obi Wan was hiding.

"Do you know what's going on?" said one

"I hope it's not like the other drill where they forgot to use blank ammo," said another.

"You see that new BT16?"

"It's nothing like the BT15. Nothing fits into my ass like the BT15."

"I don't know, the BT16 is longer and fits in more easily," said the first trooper.

"But the BT15 has a soft tapered ending, that makes all the difference," said the second one.

Obi Wan, coming onto their platform, did a hand job on them, causing them to think they felt a BT15 burrowing inside their anuses. When they jumped at the imagined sensation, he moved around them.

They reached the overhang above the bay and looked down and-

The bay was empty.

"It's gone!" said Luke.

"No, we're just in the wrong bay," said Han. "It must be the one just past this one."  
They went to the next bay, but it was empty too.

Luke started to whine.

"Listen, there are literally thousands of bays on this thing," said Han. "How am I supposed to know-"

Tarkin, listening on a secure line. Sighed. He pressed a button. "Did you clear a path to their ship?"

He listened to the answer. "That's not enough. They got lost."

He listened again.

"Arrows? On the floor? Don't you think that would be a bit too obvious, even for them?" There was a momentary delay. "What? They've trapped themselves on a bridge over a chasm, and they can't extend the bridge?" Tarkin sighed. "Can we get a ladder in there for them?"

You may wonder why the death star had so many chasms and shafts. As stated earlier, the Emperor loved casualties, even among his own troops. But even more so, it was based on another conceptual idea of the Emperor.

"Lightsaber battles," he had said, his eyes gleaming.

"What?" said Vader.

"Lightsaber battles. It's always good to have a deep shaft around if you want to have a lightsaber battle," said Emperor. "It adds spice to the competition. I want the entire Death Star riddled with shafts, so there's always a shaft around if you need one."

Luke closed the door on the pursuing stormtroopers. He fired at the door controls on his side, to prevent them from opening the door on their side. Luke knew that firing at door controls could cause a door to open, or to stay closed; and he was careful to fire at it in the way that caused it to stay jammed closed.

Imperials appeared on the far side of the chasm, taking careful shots at the doorframe around Luke and Leia.

Luke checked the stormtrooper utility belt he was still wearing. He found blaster packs, batteries, Imperial condoms, trading cards with pictures of Darth Vader, the Emperor, and Boba Fett on them, white armor polish, more white armor polish, and a grappling hook and rope.

You may wonder why a grappling hook and rope were standard equipment for Imperial Stormtroopers. They were used for "rock climbing" in the superlaser shaft, a very popular sport; at least, popular with the Emperor. He would order each trooper to do a certain number of shaft climbs a month, and at random he would activate the superlaser "to create suspense", as he put it.

"This should be easy," said Luke, testing the weight of the hook as he prepared to throw it. "Just like hooking Wombats in my T-38."

"What's a T-38?" Leia asked.

"Oh, it's just like an M-34," said Luke.

"Oh, I see," said Leia, who didn't.

He threw the hook, it missed the pipe he was aiming for, hit a wall, and the hook went plummeting into the chasm, along with the rope it was attached to.

"All right," Tarkin sighed, by now his head buried into his hands. "Extend the bridge for them."

As they crossed the bridge Luke said, "The grappling hook must have hit a control panel that activated the bridge. The Force must have guided me."

Leia kissed him full on the lips.

"What was that for?" Luke said.

"For lust," said Leia. "I mean, luck. Say, you taste like me!"

"We think they may be splitting up, they may be on level 5 and 6 now, sir," a stormtrooper reported into the comm. "Should we continue to run away from them?"

Obi Wan Kenobi passed behind them.

Meanwhile, Han and Chewie were being chased in a very halfhearted way by some stormtroopers.

"Slower," said the one in the lead. "We're catching up to them."

"Close the blast doors!" said another.

With perfect timing, the blast door closed right after Han and Chewie stepped through it. One of the stormtroopers even got his head caught in the door as it closed. He screamed as he was quickly decapitated.

"Good touch," said Tarkin admiringly.

"What's this?" said Luke. He and Leia had run full speed into what looked like a classroom. It was full of children, all wearing children's sized stormtrooper armor. Luke saw a sign on the door. "Stormtrooper daycare."

On the walls were various signs written in crayon, undoubtedly created by the children. "Death Star kidz are great!" said one. "Jango Fett is my daddy, and your daddy too!" and "Let the hate flow through you-during play time!".

The children were even singing a song. Some of it went like this-

"Death Star kids are great,

Death Star kids are fun

We like to go here and there,

And see the Emperor fire his big gun,"

Little did Luke and Leia know that the Emperor had insisted on day care facilities on the Death Star as a condition of its construction. He had ordered: "Their parents will be working hard subjugating populations and blowing up planets. They need to have the piece of mind to know that they will have safe, affordable healthcare for their children. I also want each to have locally grown organic hot lunches with an apple in every tray."

"Oh my goodness," said Luke. "I just had a thought. If we blow up the Death Star, we'll be blowing up the child care centers too."

"It will be quick and painless, they won't feel a thing," said Leia.

They watched as the children learned the alphabet.

"S stands for Star Destroyer"

"T stands for Torturing Rebels-"  
"But they're only children," said Luke.

"Luke, it will just be like abortions," said Leia. "You support abortions, don't you?"  
"Well sure. But these children are already born."

"Well, it will just be like retroactive abortions," said Leia. She pressed her small but firm rebel breasts into Luke's back, and his thinking grew cloudy.

Darth Vader knew Obi Wan was looking for him. He had tried to hide everywhere—at first, a broom closet on the lowest level in the reactor chamber. But then he realized that Obi Wan would love to have a lightsaber duel next to a reactor. Then he tried a storage room next to an ammunition locker. Then he realized the hazards of ignitable ammo would also attract Obi Wan for a good lightsaber battle.

After rejecting several more places, he realized that probably the last place Obi Wan would come looking for him was… in the corridor outside his own ship.

Vader was wrong.

The minute he saw Obi Wan he decided to bluff. "I've been waiting for you Obi Wan."

Vader ignored him. "When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the master."

"Only a master of bad grammar, Darth!" said Obi Wan. "Learner? Learner? There's no such word as learner!"  
They started to fight. Vader was surprised how slow and feeble Obi Wan's lightsaber thrusts were. Could it be some kind of trick?

Vader winced as he remembered how Obi Wan had laughed after cutting off his arms and legs. And then when he had lit Vader on fire Obi Wan had said, "Here, let me help you with that," and he had opened his trousers and urinated on him, laughing some more.

No, he wouldn't underestimate Obi Wan again. Still, he looked terrible for a guy who was only 45 years old. What had he been eating, back there in the desert?

Vader felt his confidence returning. He started to think that it wasn't an act, that Obi Wan really was old and feeble. "Your powers are weak, Old Man."

"You can't win, Darth," said Obi Wan. "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

"What do you mean?" said Darth, momentarily pulling back.

"I will become a ghost," said Obi Wan. "I will glow in the dark, and be able to appear anywhere."

"So… how does that make you more powerful?" Darth asked.

"Right now I can't glow," Obi Wan explained. "By the way, did Padme ever call out my name when she made love to you?"

Enraged, Vader struck out.

"I'm just asking, because, she sometimes called out your name when we were together," said Obi Wan casually.

They continued their very slow lightsaber duel. Vader felt like he could have gone out for coffee and come back between strokes. He parried Obi Wan and checked a clock on the wall. When the minute hand moved, he parried another attack.

Meanwhile Tarkin was monitoring the progress of the chase. "What?" said Tarkin. "They still can't find their ship?"

"No sir," came the voice. "They are in an empty docking bay now, scratching their heads and looking around."

"All right, all right," said Tarkin. "Close all doors except those leading directly to their ship."

Vader thrust out again. He was getting tired. They had been doing this, ever so slowly, for about an hour. A bunch of Imperials had brought folding chairs, an umbrella, and refreshments and were sitting, watching.

A voice in Vader's ear, Tarkin, said, "All right, they found the ship."  
"Finally," said Vader. Enough playing around.

Obi Wan saw Luke running into the bay. He knew he could stop play acting and defeat Vader and leave with the others. And yet… in one of his ghost visits, a glowing Qui Gong had told him how wonderful it was to be a glowing force ghost.

"You get to go anywhere you want," said Qui Gong. "And the food! You can eat anything you want, and never gain weight."

"Yes?" said Obi Wan.

"And you can look like your younger self, if you want to," said Qui Gong. "Which can be important, if you've had major lightsaber amputations. And the women! You can do it with any woman who's ever existed… as long as she's dead."

"Hm, sounds good," said Obi Wan.

"I'm telling you, Obi Wan, if I knew what it was like, I would have had Darth Maul impale me years ago," said Qui Gong.

So Obi Wan thought about his prospects of getting it on with Princess Leia (chances: zero), and thought about what Qui Gong said, and then gave a little smile and exposed himself to Vader's blade.

Vader sliced down, and Obi Wan disappeared.

"Noooooo!" Luke whined, much as his father did some years earlier under similar circumstances.

He started to fire at the stormtroopers.

Vader looked down. All he saw was Obi Wan's robes. Obi Wan was gone. Where was he? Was he dead? Could he really reappear anywhere, at any time? Vader shivered as he had a vision of Obi Wan, surprising Vader while he was on the toilet, slicing up the rest of his body.

"Blast the door, kid," said Han.

Luke blasted the door controls, but in a special way, the kind of blast to the controls that closed the door, rather than freezing it shut or opening it.

The remaining stormtroopers meticulously fired at the ground around Luke, until he heard Obi Wan's voice saying, "Run Luke Run."

Luke ran to the ship. "Gooooood boy," Obi wan added patronizingly, like talking to a dog. "Now sit, Luke, sit!"

Luke sat. He looked like he was about to cry.

Leia sat down next to him, covered him with a blanket, and started to snuggle.

"What are you doing?" Luke asked.

"Haven't you ever heard of sympathy sex?" Leia asked.

"We don't have time for this," said Han. "They've launched four whole TIE fighters to stop us! That must be half their fleet! Come on kid, I need you to man a laser turret!"

"But I've never manned a laser turret!" Luke whined.

"It's just like shooting womprats with a T-17," said Han.

Luke climbed into the turret. "But I've only done it with T-16's."

"Why don't we just jump to hyperspace?"

"Jumping into hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy!"  
"Oh, yeah, I forgot," said a chastened Luke.

They started firing on the TIE Fighters. They missed spectacularly. Unfortunately, the TIE Fighters didn't.

Tarkin sighed, once again, in the conference room, as he watched the battle play out on the holo. He had personally picked four of the worst pilots—one who had failed all flight tests, one who was legally blind, one who had never learned how to fly, and a fourth who had also spilled coffee on him some point back (Tarkin kept a list of such things). Oh well, time for plan B.

He had thoughtfully ordered explosive charges placed on each of the ships. He waited for a moment when laser fire from the Falcon came close…

"Ha ha!" said Han blowing up one.

A moment later Luke said, "I got him! I got him!"

"Great kid," said Han. "Stop grabbing your penis!"

Luke suddenly noticed the camera in the turret that was pointing at him. He looked down and saw he had been squeezing his own groin.

"There's still two more of them out there," said Leia. "But I think one of them may be blind."

After tension filled moments, they appeared to blow up the other two.

"We did it!" said Luke.

Leia turned to Chewbacca. "Since they did it, we should do it too!" she said grabbing Chewbacca tightly.

"What are you doing?" said Han, entering the cockpit as Leia was trying to straddle Chewbacca.

"I was, uh, celebrating," said Leia.

"No time for that now, your highness."

"Did those idiots finally get away?"

"It took them a few more minutes to figure out how to activate their hyperdrive, but yes," said Vader. "They don't seem to realize that the hyperdrive can be activated immediately without delay."

"Are you sure the homing beacon is secure aboard their ship? I'm taking an awful risk, Vader."

"Homing beacon? What homing beacon?" said Vader. "You never said anything about putting a homing beacon on their ship."

Tarkin just stared at Vader.

"Just kidding!' said Vader. "That's a bit of dark side humor."

"They let us go," said Leia. "It's the only explanation for the ease of our escape."

"Easy? You call that easy?"

"What about the blind and disabled TIE Fighter pilots?"

"Well…"

" The stormtroopers who could hit everything around us except us?"

"Uh…"  
"The big arrows taped to the floor of the death star pointing back to our ship?"  
"I thought maybe those were instructions for the cleaning crew…."

"They're tracking us. I only hope the information in this R2 Unit can help us defeat that battle station," said Leia.

"Wait," said Han. "If they're tracking us, why do you still want to go to your rebel base? Why not drop you off somewhere, where you can get a different ship?"  
"Uuuuuhhh," said Leia. "I dunno."

She left the cockpit, and was replaced by Luke.

Han mused, "Do you think a princess like her, and a guy like me-"

"No," said Luke. "Not unless you became a lot more sensitive, cut off your balls, volunteered for suicide missions, that sort of thing."

"Never happen."

"Not at least for two sequels," said Luke.

The Rebel Base was on Yavin 4, a planet full of big stone pyramids in a big forest. The pyramids were empty, at least they were once the rebels had exterminated the native inhabitants. The native inhabitants, the Massassi, were a thoughtful, peaceful artistic race who were sympathetic to human rights and vegetarianism and the hippie culture in general. Leia had attempted to buy the pyramids from them for a reasonable but nominal amount, but when they failed to be reasonable about giving up their homes, the rebellion had no choice but to encourage them to die more rapidly.

Once they landed, they plugged R2 into the base computer. He immediately and inadvertently downloaded an Imperial computer virus which transmitted the location of the rebel base.

The Death Star arrived at Yavin. But how did it get there? The Death Star had a big hole to fire the superlaser, there were no apparent engines of any kind to be found anywhere on the station.

This was, to put it most charitably, a design flaw. After construction on the Death Star was nearly complete, the Emperor had called Vader to admire the design, pointing out all its feature—the superlaser, gun turrets, docking bays, etc.

"So, what do you think?" the Emperor had asked excitedly.

Vader had stared at it for a moment and simply said, "How does it move?"

The Emperor opened his mouth, paused, then closed it again, then called for his construction managers, and arranged to have them all executed.

However, they had put so much effort into the construction that they didn't want to start over from scratch, so one of the Emperor's scientists came up with the idea of having a large ship tractor beam the Death Star through hyperspace. The Emperor liked the idea, but insisted that this second new ship be cloaked, so it would appear that the Death Star could fly on its own. After much effort, this second ship was built, and this hidden ship that no one really talked about was the one that moved the Death Star around.

"We're approaching the planet Yavin. The Rebel Base is on a moon on the far side."

"Let's destroy the planet, and then destroy the moon," said Vader.

"Blow up a perfectly good planet?" said Tarkin. "What if it's inhabited? The Empire doesn't go around killing innocent civilians."

"It is a gas giant, it is not inhabited," said Vader.

"Still, it is a perfectly good looking planet," said Tarkin. "No, order the towing vessel to pull us around. What do you think the rebels can possibly do in the few hours it will take to do so?"

"Escape?" Vader asked.

Meanwhile, on Yavin 4, a guard was on duty in a high turret with no stairs—He was trapped up there. It was horrible duty—someone was dropped there by chopper every few days. Once he starved to death, a new guy would be dropped down. It was a horrible duty, but someone had to keep a lookout.

At the mission briefing, a grandpa in a white no frills robe was describing how a small, one man fighter should be able to penetrate the station's defenses. 3PO, who had been listening inattentively, bucked up when he heard the word "penetrate". The pilots were all wearing weird orange prison outfits, with a white strap that grabbed their crotch and anus tightly. Princess Leia had designed the look and feel of these uniforms, saying she wanted a strap down there to keep the rebellion strong and hard.

"An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leea-" He actually pronounced it "Leea", not "Leia". Han, without knowing how or why, instinctively knew this guy's body would be found in the garbage dump by the end of the day.

"You're required to move down this trench and shoot proton torpedoes into this shaft. The shaft leads to the main reactor which will set up a chain reaction and destroy the station."

"That's impossible," said one of the pilots.

"That's not impossible, I used to bullseye womprats in my T-16 back home," said Luke.

"But that's more like bullseyeing yezzums in an S-19, not a T-16," said another pilot.

"No, even worse, more like bullseyeing shembots in an RU-486," said a third.

"Then man your ships," said Grandpa. "And may the force be with you."

The idiots started to get up, when Grandpa added, "Ooops! I just realized, none of you have any Force ability. So the force doesn't matter in this case. So good luck, or whatever!'

"The moon with the rebel base will be in range in 30 minutes," said a voice. "Unless, of course, we blow up the planet first, in which case it will be more like 5."

"Blow up an entire planet? Without an environmental impact study? The Emperor would never forgive us!" said Tarkin.

"This will be a day long remembered," said Vader. "It has seen the end of Kenobi, it will soon see the end of the rebellion."

"Then why isn't the Emperor here?" said Tarkin.

"What?"  
"If this is such a special day, then why isn't the Emperor here?" said Tarkin. "You know he can foresee things."

"Well, yes."

"Then why wouldn't he want to be here on this day?"

"He was busy," said Vader. "He told me had to work on his organic garden on Coruscant."

"Yes, that makes sense, I suppose," said Tarkin, frowning.

"So, you got your reward and are just leaving then?" said Luke.

"Yep," said Han. He was loading empty boxes into the ship. That was his reward-empty boxes. Empty boxes were the most valuable things in the Star Wars universe. People had lots of things, but boxes to put them in, were very rare and valuable.

Luke whined that he wanted Han to come fight with them. Han said no, and Luke turned away, disgusted.

"Hey, Luke," said Han. And then, looking like someone passing a kidney stone or being forced to speak in a hostage video, said, "May the force be with you."

"Hey Luke!" said a new voice.

Luke recognized the pilot who spoke, a redneck with bad facial hair.

"Biggs!" What a coincidence! Luke used to go bullseyeing womprats in his T-16 with Biggs! What were the odds of fate providing a friend to fly a very dangerous mission with him, someone to be concerned about if he blew up into very small pieces?

"Biggs, I know I'm only seeing you for 30 seconds, but we have this really, really big backstory that no one knows about, so if anything happens to you, it would be a very emotional event for me."

"Me too," said Biggs.

"Remember the time we-"  
"Yes!"

"And the time in my T-16-"

"Who could forget that!"

"Golly, I feel such an emotional connection to you, Biggs," said Luke.

Suddenly Red Leader approached. "Hey, youse goonna be able to fly this ship?" he asked, with a strong Brooklyn accent.

"Sure he can!" said Biggs. "Luke can fly a X-Wing just like a T-16 modified to fly like an M-98!"

"I dunno whot that means, but it sounds like youse goonna be fine," said Red Leader.

Luke boarded his ship. Expendable and other inexperienced pilots were supposed to be given obsolete Y wings, which were flying death traps, but Princess Leia had intervened after a special minute (actually, a special 20 minutes, to be precise) with the flight controller in her quarters, and gotten Luke a state of the art X-wing.

The tech helped Luke get ready for launch. "Your R2 unit looks pretty molested, sir, do you want a replacement?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he's got gold scratches everywhere, and robot sperm jammed inside all his circuit compartment."

"I wonder how that happened! You all right R2?"

"Beep beeep do do!" (Translation: 3PO isn't coming, right?)

3PO chose that moment to speak up. "R2, take care. You wouldn't want my sexual life to get boring, would you?"

R2 whistled an obscenity.

Every pilot wore a helmet with the Rebel logo on it, which looked like an enormous breast with a sharp red nipple in the center of it. No one could quite figure out what it meant, but no one publically questioned it either; those who questioned Princess Leia's choices publically often were found the next day in the dumpster with their throat cut.

"There they go," said Leia. "40 of our bravest men."

The fighters started to lift off. Unfortunately, the first level of the pyramid wasn't exactly made for starfighters; the ceiling was only about 8 feet above the fighters, and not a few of them crashed into the ceiling as they lifted off, exploding as they hit the ground again.

"There they go," said Leia again. "30 of our bravest men."

Luke lifted off he was about to thrust upwards in a sharp break, when he heard Obi Wan's voice. "Luke, the force will be with you. After all, it's only midiclorians."

Princess Leia went to the war room.

"Shouldn't we be evacuating?" asked one of the Grandpas in the no frill robes.

Leia waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, I'm sure our pilots will succeed."

"But still, if they don't, we will all die. Why don't we all leave now, just in case?"

"And leave everything behind?" said Leia. "My clothes… my jewelry… all those golf carts? I don't think so, General," she said, giving him a one-more-complaint-and-they-will-find-your-body-in -the-trash compactor look.

"Standby alert. Death Star approaching," said the thoroughly androgynous voice of Princess Leia's hairdresser.

"All wings report in, in order of expendability," said Red Leader.

"Red 10 standing by."

"Red 7 standing by."

"Red Bacon standing by," said Porkins. Porkins was technically too heavy to fly an X-Wing. He had failed his last two physicals and could barely fit into his cockpit. But under the Rebels with Disabilities Act, the rebellion had to employ at least one disabled pilot or else get in trouble with the bureaucracy. It took 4 technicians with a mobile crane to drop Porkins into his seat, and the landing struts on his X-Wing invariably groaned with the stress. The only way they could juryrig an X-Wing to carry him was to replace his R2 unit with a large helium balloon.

"Red 4 standing by," said Biggs.

"Red 8 standing by," said Wedge. His real name was something else. He was called Wedge because he liked to wear underwear two sizes too small and pull them up very tightly. Other people knew this because he made a habit of not wearing any pants in the cockpit.

"I guess that leaves me," said Luke. "But I forgot my number? Can anyone tell me my number?"

"Lock escargot in attack position," said Red Leader.

The wings on the X Wings started to spread out. When the wings spread out, so did the laser guns mounted on them, making precise aiming impossible. But they looked very cool.

The Y wings moved in to attack first. The hope was that the enemy TIE Fighters would expend all their ammo blowing up those flying deathtraps, leaving a clear path for the X Wings which would come next.

Luke started to blast random areas along the surface. But he almost forgot to pull up and nearly crashed into one of his targets.

He could hear Obi Wan's voice again. "Luke, trust your feelings! And don't be retarded!"

Biggs and Porkins blew up a tower, and yelled out, congratulating themselves, as they blew up .00000000000001% of the Death Star. Porkins, who ate continually even when flying and fighting, was chewing on a fatty piece of bacon.

"I've got a problem here," said Porkins. He had been looking for the salt shaker in the cockpit (it wasn't in his usual holder—the last roll he executed must have dislodged it) and while looking for condiments hadn't noticed the lasers from the surface firing on him.

"Eject," said Biggs, momentarily forgetting that the eject system only worked with loads under 250 pounds.

"I can manage it-" said Porkins, reaching into his bucket of KFC. Unfortunately, the bucket also accidently pressed the self destruct button.

His ship blew up. Metal fragments and traces of pork based products littered the surface of the death star.

Meanwhile, back on the death star…

"The Rebel base will be in firing range in 7 minutes," said a voice. "Now, if we had blown up the planet first, we would already be having tea and biscuits right now."

Tarkin looked enraged. "I want that man's name!"

The TIE Fighters attacked. They blew up a few X Wings, but again, no one Luke knew very well, so he wasn't very concerned.

Meanwhile, the TIE fighters didn't have shields. They could be destroyed by one shot. Or a minor collision. Or if you just stared very hard at them.

Luke stared hard at a TIE Fighter in front of him. It obligingly exploded into pieces. "Got one!" he yelled. Then he looked down at his penis. He remembered that Han had warned him not to get excited down there.

Suddenly there was a TIE Fighter on Luke's tail, and he couldn't shake it.

"Luke, Luke, wake up," came Obi Wan's voice. "This is not the time to think of Leia's body under those robes! Turn left Luke, turn left!"

Luke tried to bank left, but the shots behind him kept coming.

"No, right Luke," said Obi Wan. "I said turn right! Come on, start listening to the Force!"

Wedge came over and destroyed the TIE Fighter, saving the helpless Luke.

"Listen, can't you do that Force thing without so much talking? It's confusing," said Luke.

The Y Wings, those that hadn't exploded spontaneously on the trip there, started their attack run. They went in the narrow trench which made them sitting ducks for lasers on the surface and TIE Fighters behind them.

"I'm confused," said Luke. "I know the exhaust port is in the trench, but why not simply enter the trench at the last minute? Why fly the length of it?"

"The Grandpa in the robes gave us this plan," said Red Leader. "We don't question it."

"Only 30 fighters?" said Tarkin. "What are we doing here? One star destroyer could handle them!"  
"It gets worse than that," said Vader. "If the entire rebellion has only 30 starfighters, we've been wasting our time. This whole rebellion really is insignificant. We could be back at Coruscant doing more meaningful work like stopping merchant ships smuggling nonrecyclables."

An officer with big muttonchop sideburns approached Tarkin.. "We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Shall I have your ship standing by?"

"What is this danger?"  
Muttonchop explained how firing a torpedo down the shaft could blow up the reactor.

Tarkin looked skeptical. "That's about as likely as bullseyeing womprats in a T-16."

"Sir, we could eliminate the threat simply by rotating the Death Star vertically in a quick thrust," said Muttonchop. "That would cause their ships to smash against the walls of the trench."

"Lurch about in an undignified way, in our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chaunces," said Tarkin. "Report to the detention center and order them to torture you."

"Yes sir."

"Rebel base three minutes and closing," said the voice. "Or, if we had destroyed the planet first, we'd be finishing a five course-"

"Get me that man!" said Tarkin.

Red Leader ordered a new attack. Bearded Grandpa at the base ordered half the ships to fly in the trench, while the other half remain above, "taking lots of photos and posting them to the Rebellion's facebook webpage".

Red Leader managed to fire his torpedoes, but his hit impacted on the surface of the shaft. Darth Vader shot him up, but the oddest thing was, right before he died, Red Leader started laughing.

"Ah, hahahahahaha!" he said, as he impacted on the surface.

"That's an odd thing to say in the last moments of your life," Luke reflected. He wondered why Red Leader had laughed.

Why had Red Leader laughed?

Right before he died, Red Leader had been momentarily sucked into an anomaly which caused him to travel through time, following the life of Darth Vader, the man who killed him. He saw Anakin Skywalker as a young, wimpy boy, and then as a young, whiny teenager. Then he saw Obi Wan Kenobi cutting off his arms, legs, and genitals.

Red Leader though that was so funny that he started to laugh, even as he was transported back to his cockpit a moment before he crashed and exploded.

"Luke, what do we do?" said Wedge.

"Aren't you guys senior to me?"  
"You've obviously gotten into the Princess's pants, which is more than we've ever done. So we'll listen to you," said Biggs.

"All right, let's go in at full speed. Stay behind me and try to be as appealing targets as possible," said Luke.

They went in the shaft, to predictable results. Biggs got it first. Luke got all misty eyed when his very good friend who had about 30 seconds of face time in the film was blown up. "Finally, someone I know is killed!"

Then Wedge took a small hit.

"Wedge, how bad is it?"

"Oh, really bad," said Wedge. Some of the paint was scraped off his starboard wing. Forget this! This wasn't what he signed up for. Wedge was actually a slogan writer. He thought he would join the rebellion and write catchy slogans.

And he did, for a while. "Join the rebellion!" That was his slogan. He had invented it! But then the Princess had stuck her tits in it and claimed the credit. After a while when they had run short of pilots, he had been drafted into combat duty. But no one had said anything about being a sitting duck in a shaft of an enemy battle station while TIE Fighters pecked him to pieces. He'd sit this one out and wait to blow up the next Death Star. "I have to go," Wedge radioed. "I'll help you with the next Death Star."

"Wait!" said Luke.

But he was gone.

"Use the Force Luke. Let go," came Obi Wan's voice. "Come on, Luke, let go."

"Let go of what?" said Luke innocently.

"You know."

Luke took his hand off his genitals.

In the rebel control room an indicator blinked red.

"Luke, you took your hand off your genitals, what's wrong?"

"Nothing… say, how did you know that? Are you spying on me?" He looked around the cockpit for cameras. Well, at least his hand wasn't on his groin this time.

Moments later Vader was on his tail. He fired, giving R2 an instant lobotomy.

"I lost R2!" said Luke.

"The Death Star has cleared the planet. We are now in firing range," said the voice. "Unless we decide to do another lap around the planet," the voice added, with just a touch of sarcasm.

"I thought I told you to get me that man!" Tarkin ranged. "But first, you may fire when ready."

C3PO turned to Leia. "I told you we should have evacuated, as a precaution. But noooo, you said only death would part you from your precious rebel golf cart!"

"I have you now," said Vader.

Suddenly, one of his wingmen blew up.

The other wingman tried to warn Vader, but his radio was out, so he tried to signal Vader by crashing his ship into Vader's, sending Vader's ship spinning.

Luke looked around to find out what had happened.

"You see?" came Han's voice. "I'm sensitive and good now, just like you!"

Luke closed his eyes and fired. But it a special, really slow torpedo. So slow, in fact, that it gave Luke ample time to escape, get to a safe distance, dock with the Falcon, and have a leisurely coffee so he could watch the Death Star's destruction from the Falcon's cockpit.

As the Death Star blew up, Luke heard Obi Wan's voice saying, "The Force will be with you, always."

"Even, like, when I'm in the bathroom, and making love to women?" Luke asked.

"No, of course not," said Obi Wan.

"Really?"

"Luke, would I ever lie to you?" said Obi Wan.

When Luke landed, Princess Leia and a crowd of sycophants raced over to his ship. She jumped up, mounted him, wrapping her legs around his waist, and started making out with him. She pulled tightly on the X-Wing rebel pilot strap between his legs, causing Luke to feel the force flow very strongly.

One of the robed Grandpa said, "We have just destroyed the Death Star. But the entire Imperial Fleet knew exactly where they were, and they were undoubtedly on their way. So what should we do now?"

And everyone yelled, "Let's have a party!"

All the leaders of the rebellion were lined up in the main chamber. The native Massassi had used it for all their special ceremonies until the rebellion had had no choice but to exterminate them.

They had been a roughly humanoid race, and Princess Leia had done the negotiating herself. The Massassi were a peaceful vegetarian culture but despite being enlightened, they clearly had no interest in turning over their entire civilization to the rebellion.

"No, Princess, we do not want to turn over all our buildings to you," said their representative.

"But why?" said Leia. "You have something we need, and we want it. Where's the logic in denying that?"

"No, we will not comply."

Leia sighed. "Very well." She snapped her fingers, and a group of 3PO droids came forward carrying large bundles.

"What are these?"

"Gifts, for you and your people," said Leia. "Blankets, to keep you warm in the night."  
The representative thanked Leia for her generosity.

Tragically enough, a plague broke out among the Massassi shortly thereafter. Most died a lingering, unpleasant death, except for small percentage of the population which were immune and had to be helped along.

Wedge Antilles was excluded from the victory celebration. When his ship had landed everyone noticed that it was completely undamaged.

"It must have been a malfunction!" he cried, as he had been dragged away.

All the rebels were lined up in the main victory hall. A vicious fight had broken out only several minutes earlier, as the green uniformed troopers wanted to be closer to the stage than the white or black uniformed troopers. Order was only restored when the troublemakers were shot, and Princess Leia offered a compromise: the green troopers, the ones who hadn't been shot, would be standing at the far, far, rear of the hall. The green ones who hadn't been shot thought that was a reasonable compromise.

Han, Luke, and Chewie stood at the rear of the hall

They marched to the front of the hall as rebel musicians led by John Williams played a majestic tune. Everything went flawlessly except that Luke almost tripped over a dead green uniformed outstretched arm sticking out of one of the aisles.

"I didn't realize the rebellion had so many people," said Luke. "With only 40 fighters, what did the rest of these people do?"

"Some of them are mechanics, kid," said Solo as they marched.

"But all of these can't be mechanics," said Luke, staring at the crowd.

"Oh, mechanics, hairdressers, chefs, masseuses, yoga teachers, the Princess told me there were a lot of ways of fighting the rebellion," said Han.

They walked to the stage where Leia stood, surrounded by some Grandpas in ill-fitting loose robes. In a cage suspended above the stage sat Wedge Antillies, his underwear pulled up to his armpits.

Even R2-D2, who had been terribly damaged in battle, was there. 3PO had been so hysterical when his sex accessory had been damaged, that he had offered to "put his parts into R2" to repair him, but thankfully that hasn't proved necessary.  
Leia, her hair held taught in a giant single bun above her head, was wearing a white dress, as usual, to emphasize her continuing virginity, and she wore a necklace composed of 18 used condom wrappers. She bent over and gave them medals, allowing them to stare at her ample rebel cleavage as she did so.

Both Han and Luke got medals; when Han gestured inquiringly to Chewie, Leia wrinkled her nose and whispered, "He's an alien? What are you thinking?"

Luke and Han were sort of ho hum about their medals, until Leia pantomimed that they should look at them more closely, and so they did.

On each one was a bronze sculpting of a very topless Princess Leia, and the points on her chest seemed to be buttons, of sort. Han pressed his, and to his great delight a rebel golf cart emerged on cue, filled with gold bullion. "How did you know?" he asked.

Luke then turned to press his, and radio controlled clasps on Princess Leia's dress released, sending her dress to the ground. She recovered it with aplomb, only whispering, "You weren't supposed to press yours until later."

Luke couldn't help but notice how much her public hair seemed to be exactly like his. How very odd!

The entire audience clapped, though whether for the heroes, or Princess Leia's nude body was not clear.

Suddenly they heard explosions nearby.

"What's going on?" Leia asked, hurriedly putting on her clothes.

"A TIE Advanced is strafing the pyramids. "

"That must be Vader," said Luke.

"We forgot all about him," said Han.

"Oooooh yeah," said Luke.

What isn't widely known is that Darth Vader, in a single fighter, was able to eliminate 25% of the members of the Alliance that day before his ship's blaster ran out of energy. But since only little people were killed, it wasn't very important.

THE END

The Empire Strikes Back, the Inside Story

"Where were you when my precious battle station was being destroyed?" the Emperor asked.

"Where were you?" said Vader, deciding to go on the offensive. He had been stranded for two weeks on Yavin 4. Yes, two whole weeks before the Imperial Fleet arrived. They had known the location of the rebel base, but had taken their sweet time because they were so sure that the Death Star would take care of things.

Hello? When the Death Star stopped reporting in, shouldn't that have given them a clue? It did, but they had to appoint an Imperial Committee to decide what to do. The Emperor was still on a skiing trip to Hoth and was oddly out of touch during this time.

When they had finally arrived they found Vader, standing over the body of several hundred light sabered rebels who, still fresh from their celebration, hadn't seen any need to rush to evacuate. Their mistake.

After the lasers from his ship had been depleted, Vader had landed in his TIE Advanced and light sabered them one by one. But then when the power crystals on his lightsaber gave out he had taken to crushing them one by one with Force Grip, and when the force had given out he had simply gone around wacking the rebels with a big stick he had found in the jungles. Many had managed to escape, but the ground was littered with bodies that were sliced, choked, or heavily bruised by stick hits.

After that he had a lot of time-two weeks!-to think about how he was going to explain things to the Emperor. And what he came up with was a novel line of defense: attack!

"What do you mean?" the Emperor frowned, giving his evil stare. His evil stare was usually the last thing people saw in his presence before being killed, but Vader plowed on.

"When your super battle station launched, you were nowhere to be found. Why?"

"I have many concerns," said the Emperor.

"Like a ribbon cutting for a women's health center on Naboo?" said Vader, who had checked the Emperor's official schedule. "I thought you're supposed to be able to see into the future. How come you didn't see this? And why weren't you aboard your own space station?"

"I told you, I had to be at that ribbon cutting for the women's health center on Naboo," said the Emperor. His eyes blazed as he let the hatred flow. "Would you want me to neglect my official duties?"

"No, no of course not master."

"Very good then. So what role did Tarkin play in this mess?"

"Oh, I tried to warn him, really I did," said Vader. "I said, Tarkin, we've got this flaw in the space station, a little fighter could blow it up, we've got to do something, but he was like, noooo, everything will be fiiine."

"All right," said the Emperor. "So we'll just have to build another one."

"Another Death Star! That will take another 20 years!" said Vader.

"No," said the Emperor. "This time we won't use union labor."

Luke Skywalker wasn't sure which was stupider; the rebels hiding on Hoth, or his wandering out in the cold on a Tauntaun. Hoth had been Princess Leia's idea.

"It's a cold, empty planet. The Empire will never look for us there," she had said, despite the fact that Luke's instincts told him that that was precisely the kind of remote planet the Empire would check on first.

They had found a large cave inhabited by a race of intelligent bear people known as Wampas. Princess Leia had established peaceful contact with them and asked them to give up their cave for the good of the rebellion, but when they refused, they had to be liquidated. And because the native bear people refused Leia's generous gift of blankets, the rebellion had to use nerve gas, which stank up the place for weeks afterwards and generated numerous complaints among the rebel rank and file.

File that under the category of "a bad idea". Also to be filed under that category: Luke volunteering to "check things out" in the snow. There was nothing here; they had already confirmed that with satellite surveillance; all he had done was volunteer for a cold miserable duty. Most people thought he was still trying to get into the Princess's pants. She was wearing pants these days, ever since they had landed on Hoth. She had also had plastic surgery to have her ears fixed, freeing her from the need to wear those huge hair buns to cover her disfigured earlobes.

Suddenly, Luke was greeted by a giant wampa.

"Are you lost? Let me help you!"

Luke was so frightened that he fell out of his saddle and his head hit the ground and he lost consciousness.

Han Solo entered the large cave which served as the Rebel hanger. Chewbacca growled at him when he arrived.

"No, I don't have any bananas for you."

Chewbacca growled again.

"This is an ice planet. Where am I going to find bananas around here? Be realistic, please."

Chewbacca howled.

"All right, all right. Tell you what, finish fixing the ship, and I'll see if I can't find you some banana ice cream."

Solo reported to the General on duty. The General was wearing a Ralston Purina puppy chow logo on his vest. It was all part of the Rebel Alliance's effort to raise money with corporate sponsorships. Most companies were understandably leery about advertising with the Rebellion, so they had been forced to take the endorsements they could get, in this case the puppy chow people. Not only did senior members have to wear the logo, but a huge banner hang over the hanger reading, "Purina Puppy Chow, good enough for any rebel canine."

Han explained that Luke was checking out a meteorite.

"With all the meteor activity in the system, it's going to be hard to detect approaching ships," said the General. He was picked to be a general not because of his military ability but because of his gravelly voice. She had also slept with him several times and assured him that gave her insight into his military abilities.

"If we can't detect incoming ships, then why did we come here?" Han asked.

The Puppy Chow general motioned to Leia with his eyes.

Princess Leia was also in the command post, wearing unisex pants and vest. Her small breasts were firmly taped down under her outershirt. She was in an androgynous phase; not a good sign. She caught General Puppy Chow's gesture towards her. "I saw that," she scowled.

Han said, "I have to leave now, there's a price on my head, if I don't pay Jabba the Hutt that 39.95 I owe him, I'm a dead man."

"Why not just wire him the money?" the General asked.

Han looked at Leia.

"What?"

"Why not just wire him the money?" the General asked again. "We have spaceships that can go over great distances, and communicators that can do the same... can't we send money as well?"

"Ah… I don't know… gotta go," said Han.

"You're a good fighter Solo, I hate to lose you," said the General. He was referring to the 30 seconds of fighting Han did in the battle with the Death Star.

"Hey, and on your way out, feel free to take puppy chow from the supply bin, as much as you want," said the General.

"Puppy chow?"

"For your copilot, Chewbarka."

"It's Chewbacca, and he's a dog monkey, not a monkey dog," said Han.

He headed down a tunnel. Leia followed. They stopped in a corridor. She was very short.

"I thought you had decided to stay."

"Well, that bounty hunter we ran into on Ord Mantell changed my mind."

"You only owe him 39.95, why didn't you just pay him?"  
"By now there's interest; it could be 45, even 50 credits," said Han.

"Han, we need you," said Leia. She gave him an "I want it now" look.

"Come on, you want me to stay because you want it," sad Han.

"It?" said Leia.

Han gave her a look. "Yes. It."

"Oh, it? No, I can get It anywhere," said Leia. She turned to stare at a passing X-wing pilot. "Say, have you ever noticed how tightly that strap between their groin grabs them so tightly when they walk?"

Meanwhile, in the hanger...

"-I know it's cold, R2, why don't we go somewhere and conserve bodily warmth?" said 3PO

R2 gave a disgusted sound in reply.

Han saw the mess outside the Falcon and raged at Chewbacca. "Why did you take these apart now? You're still angry about the banana thing, aren't you?"

Chewbacca nodded.

3PO notified Han that Luke was missing. Han checked with the deck officer, a low forehead type who hadn't seen Luke either.

"Why don't you take a speeder and look for him?"

"Uh, the speeders don't work well in the cold, we're still warming them up with blankets and hot tea."

"Then why not use X Wings?"

"All X Wing pilots are all working on the musical. Orders."

In order to "boost morale" Princess Leia had ordered all pilots to perform a musical number on skates to amuse the troops.

"Oh well, that's that," said Han. He headed back to his ship, watching Chewbacca idly committing engineering malpractice. Then a thought occurred to him:

Princess Leia liked sensitive men.

If he made a show of going out to rescue Luke, she might drop her pants for him.

He wouldn't have to go far, just a little ways out, until he got a little snow on him, then wait a few minutes, come back, and say he looked everywhere for Luke. The Princess would swoon for him, and he might get a little quality time with her in the steam room. It wouldn't take very long, and it was worth a try.

Unfortunately, by the time he got out on his Tauntaun, the snow and winds were blowing fiercely and he immediately got lost.

Luke awoke upside down hanging from the ceiling of the Wampa's cave. While it was an ice cave, it was also fully furnished with rugs, lamps, a desk, chair, furniture, and a small kitchenette.

"Ah, you're awake!" said the Wampa

"Why am I upside down?" said Luke.

"My apologies. You had a head concussion when you fell off your mount. You could have gone into a coma if you lay down horizontally. Would you like some tea?"

The Wampa went to its kitchenette and started to prepare a pot.

"You seem mighty friendly," said Luke. He looked around and saw his lightsaber in the snow.

"For a race of beings you've practically wiped out?" said the Wampa. "Yes, that's so. We're pacifist vegetarians. We can't be angry about little things like that."

Luke reached out with the force and his lightsaber started to tremble.

The Wampa turned around and started to approach Luke. With the force he grabbed his lightsaber harder, but it was still stuck.

The Wampa came right up to him. If Luke didn't stop him, in a moment he would be serving him tea and biscuits "Would you like some milk with-"

At that moment, at the very last instance, Luke got his lightsaber, instantly ignited it, and cut the wampa horizontally in half.

Then he looked up at the ceiling, and prepared to cut himself down.

"Careful," rasped the dying wampa. "Don't cut yourself!"

Luke cut himself down and landed on the ground with a plop, sending the tea service crashing...

"There's more... tea... on the stove..." said the Wampa.

Back at the base, one of the X-Wing pilots, dressed in the costume of a plump chicken for the coming musical, said, "Your Highness, there's nothing more we can do tonight. We must close the doors."

"But… if we close the doors, and Luke comes and knocks on it, we'll have to open them again!" said Leia.

"Yes, sir," said the pilot.

"Sir?" said Leia. "Just because I'm wearing pants, do I look like a sir to you?"  
"Well, with your hair up and that thick vest you do kind of look like a skinny boy," said another trooper, who was wearing stormtrooper armor on top and a ballerina tutu on the bottom.

Leia glared at him, but ordered the door closed.

"R2 says the chances of survival are 725 to one against," said 3PO.

Everyone looked sad.

R2 beeped.

"Wait, wait, an update from R2!" R2 beeped some more. "He didn't realize how cold it was outside when he made his first prediction. To be more accurate, the chances are actually more like 68,900 to one, against," said 3PO. "R2 prides himself on his accuracy."

The door closed. Chewbacca, who didn't know where his next banana would come from, gave a cry.

3PO went over to R2 and started to comfort his dildo shaped friend. "Don't worry about Master Luke. Why don't we take some quality time in the maintenance bay in droid lubrication?"

"Luke… Luke…." Came a familiar voice

Luke, lying in the snow, said, "Ben? Ben, help me!"

"You are very stupid, Luke. I am not sure if you are worth saving," said Obi Wan. "Just look at yourself. You let a furry bear creature get the better of you. And you think you can take on the Empire? You make me wonder, what am I doing, wasting my time here?"

"But you're dead!"

"You don't think dead people have things to do, people to see, places to go?" said Obi Wan. "I have a full schedule. By the way, I just had lunch with your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. They're still very disappointed with you. They want to know if you ever finished planting that crop line."

"Uh... Ben...:

Kenobi grabbed his robes tightly. "Kind of cold out here. You don't have anything warm to drink, do you?"

"There was some tea..."

"All right, forget that. You will go to the Dagobah system."

"Uh, Ben, I have a little trouble standing up right now, much less-"

"There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me."

"Ben I'm having a little more immediate trouble right now-"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, as I always am, Yoda didn't really instruct me, that was someone else named Qui Gong Ginn-"

"Need some more immediate help, here, Ben-"

"But technically, on all the papers, Yoda was my instructor, so who your teacher is really depends on your point of view, kind of like who killed your father-"

"Kind of freezing, here, Ben-"

Suddenly Han appeared on his Tauntaun, and Ben vanished.

"Hey!" said Luke. "You interrupted my vision! Not very convenient timing!"

"Luke! Luke!" Han rushed over to him. "Don't worry, I'll have you back in-"

Suddenly his Tauntaun fell over.

"Oh oh," said Han. "We have no transportation. The X-Wings are out of commission because of the musical. And I can't call for help because-"

"All right already, I understand exactly how contrived this situation is," said Luke.

"What we need right now is a Tauntaun sleeping bag!" said Han. "I wish I had ordered one online." He looked around him. "Hm..."

Luke dropped off into unconsciousness. "Ben, Ben," he said, his hands moving rapidly in his pants.

"I don't think I want more information about this," said Han.

"Dagobah system! Dagobah system!" Luke moaned again.

"Digoba system?" said Han. The "digoba system" was a galaxy wide known sex position where one being was on hands and knees like a donkey while the other stood behind it.

"You Jedi had some really sick things going on," said Han. He grabbed Luke's lightsaber and went over to the Tauntaun. He had to keep Luke warm. What was likeliest to be the warmest part of the creature?

Han cut a narrow hole in the Tauntaun's ass, and shoved Luke into it, feet first, so that when Luke was all the way in, only his head stuck out, just a few inches outside the Tauntaun's ass.

"Uh," said Luke, as he faded in and out of consciousness. "Ben, Ben! No rimming, Ben, no rimming!"

When Han was satisfied that Luke was tucked in, he made his way to the Wampa's cave he had noticed on the way there. Then he made himself some tea and thought about rescuing Luke.

By the morning, the rebels had figured out how to turn on the heaters on the speeders. They found Han brewing coffee and cooking tauntaun on a fire just outside the cave.

When they brought Luke in they feared the worst. He was covered head to toe in some mysterious black substance and he smelled terribly. Medical droids couldn't scrub it off, so they dunked his body into a vat filled with a mixed bleach solution. When he came out his skin was bright white.

"Hey, kid, how're you doing?" Han asked. "You smell strong enough to pull the nose off a Gundark."

"Han, why did you put me in a Tauntaun's ass?" Luke asked.

"You'd have done the same for me, kid," said Han, smiling. He turned to Leia. "Well, your worship, it looks like you managed to keep me around for a little longer."

"I had nothing to do with it," said Leia. "General Puppy Chow has ordered that all outgoing pilots have sex with a Princess before departure."

"It's a good story," said Han. "But something tells me you gave that order yourself."

"Well, I guess you don't know everything about women yet," said Leia. She grabbed Luke, and gave him a great, big, fat kiss on the lips.

Luke moaned. Leia moaned. The kiss, which was intended to be brief, started going on longer and longer. Leia felt herself getting tremendously aroused, and even the presence of the watching Han Solo didn't inhibit her. Still kissing Luke, she made her way into bed with him, pressing her hot little body against his, even as Han and Chewbacca watched.

"Luke… Luke… let's make a baby," said Leia, kissing him ferociously as she worked to undo his karate outfit. "Luke... put a baby into me, now... Give me your baby, Luke, give me your baby..."

"I don't know, Leia," said Luke. Something was disturbing him, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

She kissed him all over. ""Luke, Luke, the time is now! I'm ovulating! "

"Uhhhh….."

"The baby can have our eyes, our forehead," said Leia, kissing him passionately.

Suddenly Luke got a premonition of Leia holding a drooling, retarded baby with a huge forehead, and then he heard Ben's voice say, "Luke, restrain yourself! Incest leads only to the dark side."

Luke reluctantly pushed her away. "I'm sorry Leia, it's just that…"

"Oh, you're one of those, are you?" said Leia, curling her lip. She turned to 3PO. "Perhaps you'd like his company better."

"I'd be thrilled, Master Luke!' said 3PO.

Han wondered where he went wrong. He had done the selfless thing, and yet Luke was the one who got kissed. Maybe if he volunteered for another dangerous mission in the snow, he could get some tongue action from the Princess. If only she weren't the only woman in the entire Star Wars universe.

They picked up a transmission.

"It could be Imperial," said General Puppy Chow

"Your highness, I was originally programmed with 6 million languages, and that's not one I recognize, said 3PO.

"If you know over 6 million languages, why don't you know that one?"  
"I also was programmed with 7 million gay robot sex positions," said 3PO. "And due to my limited memory, when I was programmed with those, I had to lose some of the 6 million languages."

"How many?"  
"About 5,999,994 of them," said 3PO.

"We'd better check it out," said General Puppy Chow.

Han went out again, still thinking he could impress the Princess.

"She's the only woman in the galaxy, Chewie," said Han. "If I don't want to end up doing it with guys or robots I'm going to have to figure out a way to be with her."

Sure enough, they found an Imperial Probe Droid in the snow. It had a lot of arms. Han wondered why. He didn't know that Imperial Probe Droids were originally retrofitted cooking droids for the Nemoidian Trade Federation. When the Clone War started, they adapted their existing droids for war; the arms that originally were used for cooking, dicing, and blending, now just hung around limply, dragging built in spoons, pots, pans, and pasta dispensers, as the droid just went around taking photos

Han shot it, hitting it in the gelato mixer, causing a chain reaction that led to an explosion.

"I didn't hit it that hard," said Han.

"You shot it with a blaster," said Leia.

"Well, not hard, for a blaster," said Han.

"An Imperial Probe Droid," said General Puppy Chow. "It's a sure bet the Empire knows we're here. We'd better start the evacuation."

"It's a big galaxy! There's no great hurry," said Leia. "I think we should at least do a little work on our musical."

A star destroyer floated in space. It was big, really big. Then, suddenly a shadow was cast over it. The captain of the star destroyer, lying on a beach chair on the bridge, dressed only in Imperial underwear as he tried to sun himself, said, "All right, who's casting shadows on my Star Destroyer?"

He looked up, and saw… a Super Star Destroyer.

As part of the Emperor's standing order that every new class of ship must be able to fit every preceding classes of ships inside of it, the Super Star Destroyer was huge, several miles long, fitting dozens of mostly harmless one-shot-off TIE Fighter squadrons.

Darth Vader looked on with satisfaction from the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer. Until the Empire completed construction of the new class of Triple Super Duper Star Destroyers, no other ships would be larger than his!

He watched the TIE Fighters fly around. One of them exploded when it collided with a piece of tissue paper, creating a momentary burst of light. Another exploded when the pilot inside sneezed the wrong way. Vader sighed.

"Sir, I think we've got something sir," said Captain Piett.

"You think you've found something?" said Admiral Ozzel. "If we followed up on every lead, we'd be busy all the time, following up on leads!"

"But sir, the Hoth system is supposed to be devoid of human life,"

All eyes were on Vader as he came closer. "You found something?"

"Yes, my Lord," said Piett. He played a recording showing a shield generator.

"That's it, the Rebels are there," said Vader.

"My Lord, there are so many uncharted settlements. It could be smugglers, it could be extreme skiers, it could be an alien ice cream factory-"  
"The rebels are there, and I'm sure Skywalker is with them."

"How do you know?"

"Play the rest of the tape, with audio," said Vader, as if he knew what was next.

Suddenly they heard voices in the snow, a Wookie's growl, and then-

"How do I know, Chewie?" said the voice. "You saw the Princess kissing Luke. Obviously she has a thing for him."

"My Lord, there could be a billion Princesses, a million Lukes, in this galaxy" said Ozzel.

They heard more of Han's voice. "I said, Luke, you want to join the Rebellion, you go, you rebel. I looked at all the rebel soldiers, rebel pilots, and rebel ships at our base, and I think, where is this rebellion going?"

"Well, Admiral?"

"My Lord, he could be talking about a philosophical rebellion," said Ozzel. "Maybe, intellectually-

"But I just don't understand why Leia wants Luke's baby," said Han.

Vader turned, and noticed the eyes of the entire bridge crew. They all quickly turned away.

"I mean, I can't imagine he's ever had sex, much less being good in the sack-"

"Well, Admiral?" said Vader.

The eyes of the bridge crew were on them again. Ozzel was skating very close to the strangulation zone.

"Maybe we should check it out," said Ozzel.

What they all didn't know was Vader's secret: he didn't want to strangle Ozzel. He didn't want to strangle anyone. More on that later.

"Set your course for the Hoth system," said Vader. He turned to another officer. "General Veers, prepare your men!"

"Yes sir," said Veers, speaking in a distant voice as if he were talking over an intercom. He had the ability to throw his voice like that which is why had had been promoted to General.

Vader had another thought. "Oh and General, have we gotten in those cute snow trooper outfits, with the white hoods? I'm looking for something sensible, but also with a bit of fashion…."

"Groups 7 and 10 will stay behind to fly the speeders," said an Officer. It was common but unspoken knowledge that Leia had assigned the least attractive men to Groups 7 and 10.

Luke was in group 10 and it wasn't by accident. When he rejected the Princess's overture he found himself "reassigned' to group 10.

Han was busy trying to undue Chewbacca's "repairs" on the Falcon. He had Chewie run power through the circuits, and they started to overload. He suspected Chewbacca was getting back at him for not finding any bananas.

"I was rescuing Luke I couldn't do everything at once. Is that any reason to strand us here?" said Han.

"Wrraa!" said Chewie.

"Saying you're sorry doesn't change the fact that when the Imperials get here they're going to shoot me and put you in an Imperial Zoo."

Chewie cried again.

"Probably one without bananas."

Chewie cried even louder.

"Good, then I hope you've learned your lesson. No sabotaging the ship right before an invasion."

"Wrraa Wraa."

"Sir, it will take a while to evacuate the T-47's," said Luke's pleasure droid.

"Well, at least we'll have the T-45's and 46's," said Luke philosophically. He smiled. He had such fond memories of the T-45's and the T-46's. But they were nothing like the S-49's or the RU-486's.

He went over to Chewie. "Take care, my smelly friend."

Chewie grabbed him, gave him a big hug, while discretely frisking him for bananas. Luke suddenly scratched himself, feeling several fleas that jumped onto his body.

"There's got to be a problem there," said Han, speaking to a droid.

"Beep Beep beep," said the droid.

"Well, keep looking," said Han.

"Han," said Luke. "Do you know what the droid's talking about when it goes beep beep beep, or are you pretending just to look cool?"

Han replied, "What about you, Luke? Do you know what the droid's talking about when it starts with technobabble about T-46's and T-47's, or are you just pretending to look cool?"

"All right, I admit it," said Luke. He hung his head. "I don't know what a T-47 is. But do you know what the robot's beep beep beep means?"

Han made a dismissive sound with his lips. "Of course."

"What did the last beep beep beep mean?"  
"It meant... it meant there was a problem with the aft capacitors, but it could be overcome by rewiring them from the lateral side," said Han.

"General, there's a fleet of Star Destroyers coming out of hyperspace in Sector 4," said a rebel radio man. "Can I be somewhere else now?'

"Reroute all power to the energy shield,," said General Puppy Chow. Unfortunately, they had just started packing. Princess Leia had insisted they spend the last two days working on their musical number. She had reminded them that while the rebellion was important, supporting the arts was important too. "Without the arts we're just a bunch of guys with guns with no artistic sensitivity at all," she had said. "And what's the sense of that?"

Darth Vader was annoyed. He had been sitting and relaxing in his egg when the Emperor called. That always spoiled the mood. His helmet was off, letting his exposed brain enjoy the air. The Emperor wanted a progress report, which Vader gave while the Emperor stared at his burned brain.

"We are about to engage the rebels," said Vader.

"I have foreseen this," said the Emperor.

That was his standard line. He always claimed to have foreseen everything, once he was told about it.

"But there is another matter that troubles me, Lord Vader," said the Emperor. "The matter of your strangling of subordinates."

Here we go again.

"It has reached my ears that you have not strangled anyone in some time," said the Emperor. "I would know why."

Not this discussion again. "It doesn't do any good," said Vader. "They're all stupid, they're all incompetent. I don't like strangling people on my own side."

"Ah ha!" said the Emperor, as if he had made a critical admission. "You are letting sentimentality cloud your judgment. You need to keep strangling people on a regular basis. Authority is maintained by terror, and terror is maintained by the Sith."

"All right," said Vader, knowing this wasn't an argument he could win. "I'll find someone to strangle-'  
"In the next five minutes," said the Emperor "A senior officer, too.".

"In five minutes?" said Vader. "What if no one makes a mistake in five minutes?"

"I'll know if you don't," said the Emperor. And he would. He had spies everywhere. "One more thing, Be sure to use AT-AT's on the attack."

"AT-AT's? They're terrible slow. It will take hours or even days to assemble them."

"I foresee the Rebels will have an energy shield," said the Emperor. He must have seen the probe droid video.

"So, we'll just keep blasting it until it comes down, we have a huge fleet-"

"No. Such a waste of great energy is not environmentally sound," said the Emperor.

What? The man who built the Death Star that blew up planets was concerned about this? How much energy did the Death Star use?

"Send AT-AT's down to destroy the shield generator," said the Emperor. "Use the wind powered hybrid models. That is a more green and eco-friendly way to fight the rebels."

"But that's not necessary," said Vader. "We can send some TIE Fighters down around and below the shield, and flying close to the ground they can-"

"I want an attack that will utterly destroy the rebels while being totally green with the environment at the same time!" said the Emperor. "Always remember that the tyranny of the Sith always starts with government imposed environmentalism! So use the AT-AT's! And you know I'll be watching."

"I know you'll be watching," Vader sighed. He knew what this was about. The AT-AT's were the Emperor's favorite toys. He loved to watch footage of them in action. So what if they were slow, clunky, and inefficient? They still got great gas mileage.

But he had bigger problems to deal with. A minute had already passed. He had to strangle someone to satisfy the Emperor. It hadn't been an idle order.

Suddenly he sensed someone coming in. He reconnected his helmet and opened his egg.

It was General Veers.

"My lord." He clicked his nazi boots for effect. "The fleet has moved out of lightspeed. We've detected an energy field in the area of the sixth planet-"

Vader didn't want to kill General Veers. Veers had great posture and a wonderful aristocratic British accent. But tick tock, he only had a minute or two left to find someone to kill.

Ozzel! Wimpy, girlish mannerism and a ridiculous moustache. All he needed was a reason.

"The Rebels are alert to our presence. Admiral Ozzel came out of lightspeed to close to the system."

"That statement confuses me," said General Veers. "If we had come out farther from the system, the Rebels would have seen us approaching from a farther distance, and had more time to prepare."

"The Emperor ordered me to strangle someone in the next sixty seconds, do you really want to argue this point?"

Veers shook his head.

"Prepare your troops for a surface attack. And make sure they are wearing those cute snowsuits we ordered from JC Penny's," said Vader.

"Yes sir."

Vader was about to open his comm to kill Ozzel, when another comm came in. The Emperor again?

No, it was Grand Admiral Thrawn.

"What is it, Admiral?"  
"I have been monitoring events," said Thrawn. "I want to commend you for coming in so close to the system."

"What?"

"Either way the rebels will have some warning time, but by coming in so close, their warning time will be less. Great work on the part of your staff, sir."

"Uh... yes," said Vader. "Thank you, Admiral."  
Vader turned to his communicator. Suddenly, the Emperor's image came on it.

"Where's my strangulation?"

"I was about to do it, if you wouldn't keep interrupting me," said Vader.

The Emperor's image faded, to be replaced by Ozzell and Piett and several fleet troopers.

"Ah, Lord Vader, the Fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to, Ah… Ah… Ah…."

Suddenly Ozzel couldn't breathe. And then he could.

"What just happened?" said Ozzel.

"I strangled you momentarily. You felt strangled, right?"

"Well, yes, now that you ask. Why did you do that?"

"You came out too close to the system."  
"But if we came out farther, the rebels would have had more warning."  
"I know," said Vader. "That's why I didn't kill you."  
"Very well, that makes sense," said Ozzel.

Behind him Captain Piett winced. He had purposely planned to come out too close to the planet so that Ozzel would take the blame and he, Piett would be put in command. It was very common on Vader's flagship for power hungry officers to sabotage more senior offices so they could take command. Well, he'd have to just keep trying. Maybe he could mess up the landing brigade and blame it on Ozzel.

"Admiral. Make ready to land our troops. You are still in command, Admiral Ozzell."

"Oh, that's really swell, Lord Vader, thanks," said Ozzel.

"The transport ships will be leaving as soon as they are loaded. Only two fighter escorts per ship." Princess Leia was speaking to the pilots. She spoke in a very slow, condescending tone, as if she were talking to a bunch of very retarded people.

"Two fighters against a Star Destroyer?" said a pilot.

"Stop whining. The ion cannon will fire several shots to be sure that any enemy ships are out of your flight path," said Leia, not bothering to mention that her ship would have two dozen escorts.

Meanwhile, the expendables from group 7 and group 10 were preparing ground defenses. No one had bothered to tell them that their guns wouldn't have any effect on AT-AT's. The least handsome men in the rebellion prepared to wage a savage defense.

On board the Imperial Class Star Destroyer Judicator a junior space nazi approached his captain. "Sir, a number of enemy ships are approaching."

"Good, our first catch of the day."

The rebel freighter and accompanying x wings launched… the ion cannon fired on their flight path… and the freighter and xwings were struck from behind, and came to a complete halt, their electronics immobilized.

"These gun sights are off!" said Leia, sitting at the Ion Cannon controls.

"Princess, maybe we should let a trooper man that," said General Puppy Chow."

"No, I can get the hang of this," said Leia. "Launch another ship."

Another freighter launched, and Leia aimed the target hairs, firing again. The second freighter was immobilized in seconds. Imperial transports launched to capture their new prisoners.

Leia stood up, "There's something wrong with these controls!"

Another trooper sat down, quickly aimed and fired, hitting the Star Destroyer.

"Oh good, you fixed it, that was quick," said Leia.

"The third transport is away. The third transport is away," came the voice of Leia's androgynous hairdresser over the intercom.

The troops cheered.

The voice continued. "The first two transports were immobilized by a certain member of royalty with bad aim, and even now they are being transferred to slave ships-" Suddenly there was the sound of blasterfire and the voice cut out abruptly.

"All expendables report to their speeders," Leia broadcasted over the comm. "And ignore everything you've heard about the invulnerability of AT-AT's. Speeders are very effective against AT-AT's. I, Princess Leia, guarantee it."

In the flight bay the less attractive men were getting ready to launch.

"Feeling all right, sir?" said semi-retarded guy named Dick. Actually, his name was Dack, but they called him Dick.

"I'm fine Dick, how are you?"

"I feel like I could destroy all the AT-AT's ourselves! Princess Leia said it would only take one shot from a speeder to destroy an AT-AT. Do you think we take them all out ourselves, or leave any for the other speeders?"

Landing the attack force from the Star Destroyers wasn't simple. There were no ships large enough to carry AT-AT's, so they had to be landed in parts. In time several hundred boxes littered a snowy terrain, as snow troopers (they looked fabulous, by the way), puzzled in what order to connect them.

Vader called for a progress report several hours later.

"We're having some trouble putting the pieces together, Lord Vader," said Veers.

"Let me see," said Vader.

Veers turned the camera to the first semi-assembled AT-AT, whose head-unit was sticking out of its ass-unit. and whose legs were bent and spread out like someone getting an abortion.

"Did you forget to number the crates in the order in which they are to be assembled?" Vader asked.

"Did I forget? No," said Veers, thinking rapidly. "Admiral Ozzel. He told me, he assured me, he had done it. "  
"You have one hour," said Vader. He reset the comm to the Bridge. "Admiral Ozzel!"

"Yes, my lord."

"Did you transport down all the necessary crates for the construction of the AT-AT's?

"Yes, Lord Vader, I'm sure I did," said Ozzel.

At that moment Piett came up to him. "Sir there's a report from the landing bay, two dozen more crates that never made it down to the surface." All this was Piett's doing, of course.

"Get those crates down now, Admiral!" said Vader.

He cut off communications.

Suddenly, an arm came into view from behind his chair. "Having problems?"

"Nothing that can't be fixed," said Vader, watching Mara Jade come into view. "What do you want?"

"Oh, oh, it's always what do you want, what do you want?" said Mara Jade. She ran her hands over Vader's plastic exterior.

"What do you want?" Vader asked her.

Mara rubbed her hands over her own supple form. She had large, prominent dark side breasts. "Perhaps a little comforting."

"We do not comfort each other on the dark side, Mara Jade."

"Really? Are you sure?" said Mara, rubbing the buttons on Vader's control panel. "So what were you doing with that four armed protocol droid in your quarters for several hours last week?"  
"That's none of your affair."

Mara started to rub his control panel buttons, back and forth, back and forth.

"Ohhhh... Ooooh.." Vader started to give some dark side moans. In turn he started to stroke her boobs using the dark side.

Now it was Mara Jade's turn to moan. "Oh... Ooooh... Darth... Darth... I think you'd better lock the door!"

While Vader was conferring with Mara Jade, construction continued on the AT-AT's. Vader had ordered construction done within an hour.

Two days later, it was completed. If they had used low flying TIE Fighters, they could have already destroyed the shield generator two days ago. But nooo. The Emperor wanted an "environmentally sustainable" attack. But even to get done in two days, they had to use the parts from 14 AT-AT's to build 7 of them, and paradoxically, there were still unneeded parts left over. Hopefully, that should be enough.

But there was still one more problem.

"Prepare to board the AT-AT's," said General Veers.

"How, sir?" said one of the troopers.

Veers looked up at the giant walkers. "Well, just get to the controls and order the walker to lower itself down to the ground-"

"But there's no one aboard, sir," said one of the troopers.

They had forgotten to build it with someone on board. Veers looked up at the walker and down at the trooper and up at the walker again. "Inform Lord Vader there will be another small delay."

The expendables, those soldiers deemed too ugly or too stupid by Princess Leia to live another day, rammed their rifles against the trench. Suddenly, they saw them: Imperial Walkers.

"Imperial Walkers! The Princess said our hand blasters could bring them down in one shot!" The soldiers lined up in the trench, each eager to take credit for the downing of the enemy.

The speeders, meanwhile attacked the AT-AT's. "Use attack pattern delta!" said Luke

"Are you sure?" said Wedge, who had also part of their group. "What about attack pattern beta?"

Wedge, after being punished for cowardice in the attack on the death star, had been assigned to the group of people deemed ugly or stupid enough to sacrifice. And Wedge was a pretty handsome guy.

Wedge actually wasn't that ugly, but he had rejected an advance from the Princess, putting him in the group for the same reason Luke had been. "What about attack pattern Beta?" he asked again.  
"Or Gamma?"  
"Or Omicron Theta?" said another pilot.

"Delta, we use Delta!" Luke whined. There was no attack pattern Delta, of course, or Alpha or Beta or Gamma; it was just something Luke said to sound cool, and everyone knew it.

The soldiers on the ground fired at the AT-AT's. They had no effect, much to the surprise of the troopers. The AT-AT's fired back briefly, gutting several dozen rebels.

The rebels were demoralized, briefly, until, "Keep firing," came the voice of Princess Leia in their earpieces. "Your guns are very effective."

Dick, laughing hysterically, fired at the AT-AT's, hitting one in the leg. A tiny amount of paint appeared to scrape off, although in a battle analysis later it was reveled that the area had been poorly painted to begin with and that the paint damage had not, in fact, been the result of the speeder attack.

Dick, whose biggest concern up to now had been deciding what kind of beer he would have back at the base after he destroyed all those AT-AT's, said, "Luke, what's wrong?"

"Blasters don't work," said Luke.

"What do we do?" said Wedge.

."Hey, you remember those slender cables we carry?" Luke said. "Let's use those tiny cables to trip them up!"

"You mean, we should tie up giant AT-AT legs with those tiny quarter inch thick cables?" said Wedge.

"Exactly!" The laser fire started to get thick. Luke decided to turn the ship around and fly backwards so Dick would be facing the AT-AT's, not him.

Suddenly, the ship was hit. Dick got blasted, and Luke had to ditch the ship. He decided to crash land right in front of one of the AT-AT's feet, hoping to trip it up, but he almost got stepped on when, forgetting something he went back to his fallen speeder.

Suddenly he heard a moan. Dick was still alive inside the ship!

"Luke… Luke…" Dick moaned.

He was alive! But then Luke saw the giant metal foot. He was about to grab Dick when he saw his lightsaber. No time to grab both.

"Luke, don't waste time with expendables," came a familiar sounding voice.

Luke grabbed his lightsaber and dodged the foot, as Dick screamed as he was crushed.

Luke heard Obi Wan's voice in his head. "Now you must get to Dagobah, or other people will suffer the same fate as Dick."

"You mean, crushed by a giant metal foot?"  
"Precisely."

. The soldiers continued to fire, getting no result.

"Doing great work," said Leia's (prerecorded) voice over the speaker system. "Very, very effective."

The AT-AT's lurched when they walked. One leg moved at a time, moving the entire thing up and down, up and down. General Veers was starting to get seasick. He had the misfortune to vomit on Darth Vader's hologram.

"What was that, General?"  
"Just a bit of precipitation, sir," said Veers, wiping his mouth.

"So when will the shield generator be down?"  
"What shield generator?"  
Truth be told, Veers was having so much fun gunning down the rebels that he had almost forgotten about it.

Vader paced impatiently on the little holopad, strolling though pieces of Veer's semi-digested lunch. Veers quickly looked out the window. "Ooooh yes, the shield generator. Yes, we should have that destroyed in a minute. You don't even have to wait, come down now, by the time you get here, I'm sure it will be all gone."

Veers took the guns and started blasting fleeing rebels. "Whee, I got one!" he laughed. He had such a great time blasting rebels that he didn't pay attention to the pilot tugging his sleeve. The tug caused him to miss a fleeing rebel, cooking a herd of Tauntauns instead.

"What?" he said irritably.

Suddenly, he saw it on the monitor—Lord Vader's fighter coming in, flanked by two TIE Fighters. The TIE Fighters streaked in low—and were vaporized as they hit the shield. Vader's Tie Advanced barely managed to turn in time.

Vader's mini holo reappeared, shaking his fist at Veers. "General!"

"Yes sir, sorry, there was some unavoidable delays," said Veers. He aimed the forward guns. "Target, maximum firepower!"

He checked the aim one more time, aiming for the structure in his scopes. Odd, it looked smaller than a power station. Still aiming carefully, he squeezed the trigger. There was a small explosion, smaller than he expected.

"The shield is down, my Lord, you may start your landing," said Veers.

"General, check your readings," said Vader, not one to trust Veers twice.

Veers did. The shield was still up. How could that be?

A stormtrooper pulled his sleeve. Veers turned and saw where he was pointing, to the structure just right to the building he had destroyed. The real shield generator.

"Oooh," said Veers, wondering how he was going to avoid a choking for this one.

"The Empire just blasted our toilet and sanitary facilities building," said Leia. "They're trying to sap our morale."

She studied the glowing lines on a glass wall. The wall was purely decorative but Leia loved to pretend she was a great general studying a war map. "We must accelerate the evacuation."

"I don't think we can protect two transports at a time," said General Puppy Chow.

Leia made a dismissive noise with her mouth. "We can easily get plenty more recruits to replace these cannon fodder on other planets. I'll just put on that short skirt I always wear when we go recruiting in local bars-"

Noise in the war room stopped as everyone starred at the Princess. She glared at them. "Why are you listening in on a private conversation? I can have you shot! Get back to work!"

Chewbacca started to growl as he worked on the Falcon.

"No, no, no," said Han. "This one goes here, that one goes there" The parts were even labeled "THIS ONE-HERE" "THAT ONE-THERE" but that didn't seem to help.

R2 was lifted into Luke's X-Wing, giving 3PO a rare opportunity to fondle his undersides as he was lifted up. "You take good care of Master Luke, you understand?" said 3PO. "You know where to stroke him when he reads those magazines, right?"

R2 gave an obliging whistle.

Meanwhile, Wedge had succeeded in tying one of the walkers up with a thin cable. The giant legs, each 20 feet in width and 200 feet in height, strong enough to carry tens of thousands of tons, found themselves stumped by a metal cable a quarter inch thick. The walker fell, and when it did all its compartments flung open like it was a child's toy. Small plastic figurines of stormtroopers were flung out all over the landscape.

The more stupid rebel troopers started to inexplicably run towards the downed walker, and they got about 20 steps out of the trench before they were gunned down by General Veers, who was still having his jollies.

When the toilet facility blew up part of the cave system collapsed. Han rushed to the command center.

"Why are you still here?" Leia asked.

"I heard the toilet center had been hit," said Han. He of all people knew how long Leia spent in the toilet. "Time to go Princess." He started to grab her hands, paused. "Did you wash your hands after the last time you went?"

Leia had no intention of leaving so quickly; she had intended to go to her secret room, change into a white bikini with pearls, and when the fighting died down, come out and make sweet love to as many white-clad Imperials as she could. It had always been one of her fantasies.

"Send all troops to the south port to protect the fighters," Leia snapped, trying to give an air of authority. The rebel assistant looked at her puzzled, why she would send some troops to protect other troops. But of course, Leia had no idea what she was saying.

"Imperial troops have entered the base," came over the com. "Imperial Troops-"

Suddenly, the voice was cut off, and replaced with a new one. "Sorry," said the very deep breathing raspy voice. "That last report was in error (hiss hiss). There are no imperial troops to be seen here (hiss hiss)."

"That's it, let's go," said Han.

Leia quickly considered. Making love to white-clad Imperial Troopers on the snow of Hoth had been a romantic idea, but thoughts of Darth Vader dimmed her Imperial lust.

"Give the evacuation code signal," said Leia, still trying to sound officious. "And get to your transport!" She paused. "Wait, I have a better idea. Instead of going to your transport, stay here until Darth Vader arrives, and tell him we went that way," she said, pointing to another passage.

"Yes ma'am."

The autolooping message from Princess Leia telling the troops "You're doing good work—very effective!" wasn't working anymore as the rebels were in full retreat.

Luke, running underneath one of the walkers, used a suction cup and rope thing that all rebels carried to pull himself up to the Walker. He then sliced open a hatch, exposing wiring, and put a thermos of hot coffee in there, and then cut the cable, using the force to avoid shattering his spine as he fell 200 feet.

The coffee caused internal circuits to short and explode, and so did the walker.

"Distance to power generator," said General Veers.

"One seven decimal two nine," said a voice.

"Inches? Feet? Mongo Miles?" said Veers."Never mind." He aimed again. "Target: maximum firepower!"

He fired, destroying the shield generator. Then he quickly resumed shooting stragglers. "Ten points!" he shouted, a big smile on his face as he downed another rebel. "What's my score?"

The explosion of the power station caused a tunnel in the base to collapse. "Transport, the tunnel is collapsed, I'll get her out on the Falcon," said Solo, speaking into his sleeve. Speaking to his sleeve, that is; he had no communicator there. The ship waiting for Princess Leia never heard Solo's phony comm signal, and so continued to wait in vain, until they were captured by the Imperials and sent to the Spice Mines on Kessel IV.

"Wait, we can use an alternate tunnel to get to my transport," said Leia.

"No, that one must be collapsed too," said Solo. "Only tunnels leading to my ship must be intact. Come on, sweetheart."

"Ahhh," said Leia, as Solo grabbed her wrist, one of her many sensitive erogenous zones.

Several very sharp looking snowtroopers burst into the war room, followed by Darth Vader.

The snowtroopers had cute hoods and long white capes, accessorizing the Emperor had done himself on the last action figure review. They ran into the room while Darth merely strolled in. He wasn't in any hurry; he got the same pay no matter how fast he worked.

Han and Leia got aboard the Falcon, but they had trouble launching. Han called out to Chewie

"Chewie! Chewie! Did you remember to put this one here and that one there?"  
"Wrraaa!"

"You don't have any idea what I'm saying, do you?"  
"Wrraaaa!"

"That's what I thought." Han worked frantically to get all the pretty lights on the cockpit to go on.

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade," said Leia. She looked at her reflection in the cockpit windows and readjusted her makeup, just in case they couldn't escape and were caught by handsome imperials.

Snowtroopers were assembling bigger guns at the Falcon when a big turret emerged from the Falcon and shot the snowtroopers—yes, a turret operating on automatic! They could have used the automatic turret when escaping the Death Star, but Han had thought it was more "fun" to shoot the TIE Fighters by himself.

"Switch over," said Han. "Let's hope we don't have a burnout."

Leia admired Han. His technobabble sounded more convincing then her leadershipbabble did.

Darth arrived just in time to see the Falcon fly off. If the Emperor inquired about his poor timing, there would be no need to tell him of their brief stop at the Rebel ice cream stand down the corridor.

On a nearby mountainside, Luke and the other pilots were preparing to takeoff, unmolested by Walkers, TIE Fighters, or Imperial Troopers.

The Imperials were taking a break. General Veers decided now was as good a time as any to post their scores online and engage in group chat.

R2 made some noise after they took off. Luke didn't know what he was saying but he could read the text translation on his screen.

"There's nothing wrong R2, we're just setting a new course."

R2 noticed; instead of heading for the rendezvous with the Rebellion, Luke was setting a course for Dagobah, an empty swamp planet.

R2 made more beeping sounds.

Luke read the translation, which read: What are you doing, Luke? This is highly irregular.

"We're going to the Dagobah system," said Luke. "You'll love it, the swamp water is just right this time of year."

R2 beeped again. The translation said: I have the greatest enthusiasm for the mission. Would you mind if I took over control?

"That's all right," said Luke. "I'd like to keep it on manual for a while."

R2 continued beeping: Are you sure you don't want to turn even life support over to me? I have the greatest enthusiasm for the mission, Luke.

Luke, looking confused, mouthed to himself: What's going on with R2? I may have to deactivate him.

R2 beeped again: Luke read: "Luke, I can read lips too."

"Oh, sorry about that, R2."

The Falcon was chased by Star Destroyers. The Star Destroyers with their thousands of crewmen were so intent on capturing the Falcon that two of them nearly flew into each other.

"Watch this!" said Han.

The Falcon tried to jump to hyperspeed, and failed.

"Watch what?" said Leia.

"I was referring to this," said Solo, pointing to his open zipper.

CPO said, "If I may say so sir, I noticed earlier that the hyperdrive motivator has been damaged.

"How did you know that?"

"I was running an insertive diagnostic on R2 inside the equipment pit and when I pulled out roughly I accidently-"

Han, not listening to the rest, went to see for himelf.

He went into the innards of the ship and started shouting technobabble. "Horizontal boosters!"

"Wraa!" (Bananas)

"Lithium dampers?"

"Wraa!"(Bananas)

"Bring me the hydro-spanners!"

Chewbacca brought Han a water gun, which he started spraying on a hot piece of equipment.

Suddenly the ship was hit by an asteroid. The Falcon, hit by a giant rock at high speed, shook ever so slightly.

Han made his way back to the control room to see that they had entered an asteroid field.

"What are you doing?" said Leia. "You're not actually going into an asteroid field, are you?"

"They'd be crazy to follow us, wouldn't they?" said Han.

"You don't have to do this to impress me," said Leia. "I'm already turned on by the size of your hands!"

3PO said, "Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is 7,320 to 1!"

"Really?" said Han. "So, you've completely analyzed this particular asteroid field, and the size, trajectory, and number asteroids."

"Well, no, but-"  
"And you know the precise maneuverability of the Falcon, and the exact speed of my reflexes," said Han.

"Well actually, sir, I'm just talking out of my brassy anus," said 3PO.

"Thank you,' said Han.

They were chased in the asteroid field by four TIE Fighters. Only 4! Why?

"Yes, I've sent every available fighter after them, Lord Vader," said Admiral Ozzel. He turned to Piett. "Haven't we?"

"Actually, sir, we have only sent our four of them," said Piett. "Isn't that what you ordered?"

He looked at Vader, but nothing happened. Vader didn't strangle him.

What more did he have to do to get Vader to choke Ozzel so he could take command?

The much smaller, much more maneuverable TIE Fighters were being destroyed by the asteroids, while the much larger, much less maneuverable Falcon was fine.

"You said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake," said Han, dodging asteroids without much apparent concern. His voice was emotionless, like a replicant. He was clearly in Decker mode now.

"No, no no, you misunderstood, I didn't say I wanted to be around when you made a mistake, I said I wanted to be around when you had some mystique," said Leia.

The Falcon went in close to an asteroid and went deep inside a long, dark, narrow opening. Han got the idea to do this while thinking of his future plans while Leia.

"I hope you know what you're doing," said Leia.

"It's not like I haven't done this before," said Han.

"All right, I'm at the planet, but there's no sign of civilization," said Luke. "What do I do now? Ben, it's all fine and good for you to say 'Go to Dagobah', but you need to be more specific."  
"Luke… you must go to Dagobah," came Ben's voice.

"Old news, Ben, I'm here," said Luke. "Can you be a little more specific of where I should look?"

"You should let the force guide you…"

"The force guide me?"

"Into a crash landing…"

"Sounds good," said Luke. "Should I have my blast shield down, for good measure?"

"None of your lip, boy, you're talking to the light side of the Force here," said Ben.

Luke started to turn the ship into a dive, letting the Force guide him into crashing into the planet. R2 gave a whistle.

"No R2, it's too late for you to bail out," said Luke.

R2 whistled again.

"No, I'm not going to take a stress pill right now," said Luke.

After some rough turbulence, the ship crashed into a lagoon.

"No," came Ben's voice immediately. "You crashed in the wrong place. Can't you do anything right?"

"I used the Force like you told me," said Luke defensively.

"If you had really crashed using the force, your ship wouldn't have created any splashes in the water. Now take off and try again."  
Luke did, but this time Obi Wan guided him. "A little to the left… down now… a little to the right… there, crash over there."

Luke crash landed again, his ship landing in the goo.

"Very good," said Obi Wan. "Ooooh. Oooh Shmi, stop that, not now!"

"What?" said Luke.

"Your dead Grandmother is paying me a social visit, I've got to go," said Obi Wan.

Luke and R2 got out and swam to land. They were all muddy and dirty. R2 opened an interior compartment and spat out some nasty blackened protocol droid dead sperm.

The Falcon shook. 3PO gave a gay moan.

"I don't think this asteroid is entirely stable," said 3PO.

"Chewie, take Tom Cruise here and plug him into the hyperdrive."

"Oh I say, you said 'plug in'," tittered 3PO.

The ship shifted again, causing Princess Leia's breasts to fall into Han's hands.

"Let's go!" said Leia, getting excited.

"Shhh!" said Han.

"Let's go, please!" said Leia, turning to work on the buttons of Han's black pirate vest.

"Don't get excited," said Han.

"Being held by you is quite enough to get me excited," said Leia. "What do you say we go and check out the machinery steam pit together?"

"Sorry sweetheart," said Han. "I accidently left my Corellean Condoms behind on Hoth."

Luke set up supplies on some soggy land, the driest he could find. He set up a blue bug zapper for illumination. He took a bite out of a sawdust ration.

"What am I doing here?" said Luke. "This place feels familiar, just like the hot, dry Tattooine.. I feel like…"

"Feel like what?"

Luke immediately prepared to blast whatever had interrupted his line of thought.

"Away put your weapon, we mean you no harm," said a little green guy.

This, of course, was Yoda. Yoda had been living alone in the swamp for 20 years. Luke didn't know that. He also didn't know another key fact.

That the lack of social contact had driven Yoda insane!

"We are wondering precious, yes, wondering, why are we here?"

"I'm looking for someone."

"Is this real?" Yoda asked.

"What do you mean?"  
"We mean, is this real—are we dreaming about talking, or are we actually talking?"  
"It's real," said Luke cautiously.

"We don't know. It's been so long. We don't know the real from the not real," said Yoda. "If we are real, precious, do something we don't expect, can't imagine."

Luke suddenly felt an itch in his groin. Without realizing it, he rubbed his lightsaber, hilt first, into his groin, and started to rub the scratchy part, unaware of his peril if his finger tightened just a bit over the activator button.

"E, hee hee hee," said Yoda. Yes, too preposterous not to be true! He felt relieved. "Help you we can, yes, precious, ummm!" Yoda said ummm every time he saw something that might be tasty, and he hadn't had meat in a long, long time.

"I'm looking for a great warrior."

"Oh. Great warrior? Wars not make one great," said Yoda. Correcting himself, he added, "Unless one wins the wars!" He laughed, cackling madly. He remembered when he had been a general in the Clone Wars, how he had fought the bug people and robots on Geanosis against overwhelming odds. Now, he, Yoda, had truly been great then! But better to fill Luke with his pacifistic propaganda for now.

Yoda reached over and started to nibble on a suspiciously dark brown"sausage-shaped" object.

"Hey!" said Luke.

Yoda spat it out. "How you get so big eating food of this kind?"  
"It came out of my ass, thank you," said Luke. "I was looking for a way to bury it when you stopped by." He picked up his excrement with his hand, smelled it, and tossed it away.

Yoda started to grab some other objects. He got into a tug of war with R2.

"Mine, mine mine," said Yoda. Then he stared at R2, and dropped it. "R2, is it really you?"

R2 gave a whistle.

OF COURSE Yoda remembered Anakin Skywalker's constant companion. He switched over to his native language, Yodecian.

Yes, said Yoda, it's been a long time.

R2 beeped.

No, I also don't think he'll turn out like his Dad. Too wimpy, Yoda said.

R2 whistled.

Well, we thought we might try to teach him a few Jedi tricks, but truthfully, we're just using him as cannon-fodder.

R2 beeped.

Really nice seeing you again. But better if we don't let on that we know each other. Might raise all sorts of embarrassing questions about, you know, the father.

"Hey, what're you guys saying?" Luke asked.

"Nothing, precious, nothing much," said Yoda. "Help you, I will, find your friend, ummm?"  
"I'm not looking for a friend, I'm looking for a Jedi Master," said Luke.

"Oooh. Yoda, you seek Yoda," said Yoda.

"Really? You know him?"  
"Take you to him, I will. But first, give me your gun you must."

Luke started to hand it over, then stopped. "Why?"  
Yoda cackled. Luke had passed the first test.

Back on the Falcon, Han tried to put the moves on Leia in a hallway, but she shrugged him off.

"Hey, your worship, I'm just trying to help," said Han.

"Will you please stop calling me that?" she snapped.

"Sure, hot buns? Or do you prefer "Lucy Goosey?"  
"You can be so difficult sometimes," said Leia.

"You can be a little nicer yourself," said Han. He moved closer. "I think you like scoundrels."

"And nice men," said Han.

"And tall men," said Leia.

"And short men and bald men and fat men and thin men," said Han. He moved even closer. Her lips were in tractor beam range. He engaged.

Suddenly, 3PO came prancing forward. "Sir, sir, I'm detecting heterosexual activity in this corridor-"

Vader was listening to a holoreport from the other captains.

"There are so many rocks, the weather is bad, we haven't had dinner, why don't we just declare them dead and call it a day?" one Captain suggested.

"No, Captain, they're alive. Didn't you just see the scene where Han Solo try to copulate with the Princess? I want every ship available to sweep the asteroid field until they're found," said Vader. "And when I say every ship, I mean every ship. Except mine."

Their images faded.

"Lord Vader," said Admiral Ozzell. "You have a holographic call from the Emperor. He is reversing the charges. Again. Shall we accept?"

"Yes. And if anyone asks, the reason we're not in the asteroid field is so we can have a clear call," said Vader.

Vader went to the proctology lab and bent over respectfully.

"What is thy bidding, my master?" said Vader.

The mushy face of the Emperor appeared.

"You're looking good," said Vader. "I haven't seen you this good in a while. I think that Dark Side skin cream is doing wonders for you."

The Emperor dismissed this obviously false flattery with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"There is a great disturbance in the Force," said the Emperor.

"I felt it too," said Vader. "Do you feel the same thing, like a tension, deep in your buttocks, that won't go away?"

"We have a new enemy. The young rebel who destroyed the Death Star. I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of Anakin Skywalker."

"Hey, I'm right here," said Darth. "No need to speak of me in the third person."

"The offspring of Anakin Skywalker," the Emperor repeated.

"Why are we speaking about me in the third person?"

"The offspring of Anakin Skywalker," the Emperor repeated.

"How could that be?" said Darth. A thought occurred to him. "That green slave girl-"

"No," said the Emperor.

"Did Mara Jade tell you she was pregnant-"

"Mara Jade?" said the Emperor. "No." But he filed that information away for future reference.

"Was it that Greedo lady who came to sell us black plastic in bulk?"

"No," said the Emperor. "Search your feelings, Lord Vader, you will know it to be true."

Vader was confused. "I feel like I haven't gotten any in 20 years. What kind of feelings are you talking about?"

"The offspring of Padme."

"Padme? But she looked pregnant when she died-"  
"Wrong. My agents recently investigated the body. They found inside of it…. Nothing but turkey stuffing."

"Turkey stuffing! How did you know!"

"At least, it tasted like turkey stuffing," said Emperor, licking his lips. "20 year old turkey stuffing flavored with rotting uterus, to be precise."  
"Turkey stuffing!" It must have been that bastard Obi Wan's doing. Turkey stuffing. How could he have been so fooled?

"But… how did you realize this?"

"I searched my feelings," said the Emperor. "Admittedly, I also searched the Tattooine phone directory. I came up with a Luke Skywalker, born to Padme and Anakin, living openly just several miles from your former home, with all the biographical information on his public website. But, also, searching my feelings helped too."

"The Force is strong with him. The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi."

Vader sensed trouble. The Emperor was speaking in a slow, drawn out tone, not his usual energetic self. He wondered if this disturbance in the Force had made the Emperor constipated. It had happened before.

"If he could be turned to the dark side, he could become a powerful ally."

"Yessss," said the Emperor, sounding as if he had never considered this idea before. "He… would… be… a… great… ass..et…." He spoke very slowly, like he was sleepy or on some kind of pain medication.

"He will join us, or I will give him an Obi Wan," said Vader. "Giving him an Obi Wan" was Sith vernacular for slicing him up. But then one other thought occurred to him. "But… Master… I thought with the Sith, there could only be two. If he joined us, there would be 3. How could this be?"

"Simple," said the Emperor. "Remember the rule of two and a half. If he is your apprentice, and you are my apprentice, then he isn't really a Sith-just the hired help. Nothing to worry about."

"Oh, I'm glad we got that cleared up," said Vader, relieved.

Back on Dagobah, Luke was in Yoda's little mud igloo. The smell was incredibly bad—20 years of Yoda body odor had accumulated there. The place was littered with karate outfits, lightsabers, and wallposters of scantily clad large breasted women Luke had never heard of: Admiral Daala, Mara Jade, and Greeda.

"Why must you become Jedi?" Yoda asked.

"Mostly because of my father, I guess."

"Ah, your father, powerful Jedi was he," said Yoda. "And great lover too, so they tell me."

"Come on, how could you know my father was a great lover," said Luke. "You don't even know who I am. Where is this Yoda?"

"Look, here, here is Yoda!" said Yoda. He produced a rotted, torn volleyball with a big smiley face and the words "YODA" written underneath it. "E, He he he he!"  
"Come, come, talk to Yoda!" Yoda tittered, holding up the volleyball.

"This is a waste of time!" said Luke.

"I cannot teach him, the boy has no patience," said Yoda.

"He will luuurrrrrn patience," said Obi Wan.

"What?" said Luke. "Wait! The volleyball really is Yoda?"  
"And stupid too," said Yoda. "Must dumbness in him, like his father."

Ben said, "Was I any different, when you taught me? I mean, of course, it was Qui Gon, not you, who taught me, but we all say now that you did, and so you did."

"He is not ready," said Yoda. "He does not have the right haircut."

"He is ready."

"What knows you ready? For 800 years have I trained Jedi," said Yoda. "Well, not trained them in the strict sense, but directed others to train them, yes. You, a long time have I watched this one."

"You've been spying on me?" said Luke. "How?"

"Through the Force," said Yoda.

"So, when I was with those ladies in Tushi Station-"  
"Sand People prostitutes, yes," said Yoda. "Always your mind on your next conquest. Never your mind on where you where, what you were doing, and who you were doing it with!"

"Even when blowing up Death Star, this one was thinking of blowing of a very different kind," said Yoda. "Your excitement with the ladies. A Jedi craves not these things."

"So did I, if you remember," said Ben.

"You, Obi Wan, you had a fling or two with Padme, but nothing serious," said Yoda.

"Wait," said Luke. "Does this mean if I become a Jedi, I can't do it with women?"

"He is too old, too old to begin the training," said Yoda.

"You'll only have to train him for a long weekend," Ben reminded him.

"Will he finish what he begins?" said Yoda.

Ben's voice said, "Luke, finish your bowl of swamp soup."  
Luke started to obediently scoop it up. "I won't fail you," he said, between mouthfuls. "I'm not afraid."  
"You will be, you will be," said Yoda. "Now, start by taking off your pants and underwear and bringing me that hot iron."

"What?" said Luke.

"Thought you weren't afraid, you said," said Yoda.

TIE Bombers bombed asteroids at random, trying to flush the Falcon out. They looked like TIE Fighters, but were a little bigger and required three shots to destroy instead of one.

Leia was sitting in the cockpit daydreaming about her lost cosmetics collection on Hoth when she saw a muppet press against the windows. She screamed

Naturally, with a possible monster outside, they all went out to investigate.

"Minocs," said Han. "They're not cute aliens, so they're OK to kill."

He started to fire, and the ground shook. Han fell TOWARDS the ship, while Leia fell AWAY from the ship. Then, the second time it happened, they synchronized better and fell toward the same direction.

"Better," said Han approvingly.

They ran back inside the ship and started it up. As they headed out Leia said, "The cave is collapsing."

"This is no cave," said Han. "We're inside a long, hot wet, moist living thing—an asteroid worm that likes to hide in long, dark, wet holes."

"Hmmmm," said Leia, liking the imagery.

Why was Luke being trained to be a Jedi when Jedi needed to be trained from the age of 5 and Yoda knew he, Yoda, was only going to die in a few weeks anyway? This question has been often asked. Apologists have stated the reason is that Luke was given the "new-style" Jedi training which didn't require years of instruction but just general guidance to sharpen the intuition within himself.

The real answer was somewhat different. Obi Wan and Yoda knew there was no way that Luke could be trained as a Jedi in a long weekend, much less face off against Darth Vader and the Emperor. But they also knew that the Rebels were gathering for a large scale attack in a few weeks, and that Luke would be just the thing to distract the Emperor and Vader during the attack.

"Let him play with Luke during this time," Obi Wan had counseled. "While this is going on, the Alliance can crush his forces to ground meat."

"But… how can I convince him he is getting Jedi training in such a short time? What teach him can I?"

"Oh, just do any old thing," said Obi Wan. "Climbing, falling, lifting rocks with his mind. Take him to that evil cave you like to hang out in. He's gullible. He even believed me when I said Vader killed his father. He'll believe anything."

So Luke was getting "Jedi training" which consisted of CLIMBING UP AND DOWN VINES IN THE JUNGLE AND DOING BACK FLIPS. All the while Yoda was babbling.

"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from backflips and vine climbing," said Yoda. "But beware of the dark side: anger, fear, love, hate, happiness, sense of humor, the dark side of the force are they. Be careful, or it will consume you, as it did Obi Wan's apprentice."

"Vader. Is the dark side stronger?"

"No,' said Yoda. "I mean, if you fight someone who is strong in the dark side, it helps to have two or three to one odds in your favor, but dark side stronger? Nooooooo."

"How am I to know the good side from the bad?" Luke whined.

"You are stuuuupeeed," said Yoda, rubbing Luke's head as if willing intelligence to penetrate. "You will know…. If you feel the force, and it appears dull, and boring, and plodding then this is the light side. If it appears funny or sexy or enjoyable, that is dark side."  
"But tell me why—"

"No, no there is no why. There is when, there is how, and sometimes, there is how much for how long, but there is never why," said Yoda.

"I feel something," said Luke. "This cave scares me!"

"That cave is strong in the dark side," said Yoda.

"Why?" Luke asked.

"What?"

"Why?" Luked asked. "How does a cave go to the dark side?"

"There is no why!" Yoda thundered.

But there was.

Many years ago, not long after Yoda arrived on Dagobah, he grew lonely for, shall we say, unusual female companionship. And so, at very great expense, he had a Bothan dominatrix shipped in. He took her to the cave, which he had turned into a sort of rumpus room, and there instructed her to have her way with him. She strapped him down to a rock, and using whips and other erotic devices had her way with him. Yoda enjoyed what happened that night and knew it was wrong, and waves of lustful force projection emanated from him, absorbed in the walls of the cave. And so the cave was strong in the dark side, the dark side of Yoda's taste in domineering women.

"In you must go," said Yoda.

"What's in there?" Luke asked.

"Only what you take with you," said Yoda.

Luke started to drop his weapons.

"As well as a lot of evilness," Yoda added.

Luke put on his weapons again.

"Your weapons, you will not need them," said Yoda.

Luke started to drop them.

"Although, there is a tiny chance you will encounter Vader in there, and if you do, weapons might be extremely helpful," said Yoda.

Luke picked up his weapons again.

He entered the cave. It smelled of a lusty Yoda. He felt the evilness of the cave.

An evil cave! There were a lot of snakes! And roots of trees! Evil roots! But it was quite airy and well lit for an evil cave. But there was mist. Evil mist! And then he saw Vader.

Luke drew his lightsaber, and remembered all the lightsaber lessons Yoda had given him. Wait: there were none. They were still at the vine climbing and somersault stage.

They fought, via lightsaber. The dark side of Yoda's lust battled Luke's youthfulness.

But the shadow-Vader didn't fight very hard.

Nor was it wearing any pants.

Luke sliced it good, and it fell to the ground, but when he looked at the mask, a young Anakin's face appeared.

And it spoke!

What did it say?

"There, are you happy, you dick?"

On the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer Executor, a number of bounty hunters gathered.

"Bounty hunters, we don't need those scum," said Admiral Ozzell.

"Yes sir," said a sycophantic junior officer. "Those rebels won't escape us," he said, in a sarcastic tone that conveyed just the opposite.

"Wra Wra Wra," said Bossk, a reptile alien said to Ozzell. He didn't know what Bossk said, but he knew that Bossk was sneering at him.

Ozzell, taking it in stride, went over to Vader. "Sir, do we need all these bounty hunters?"

"What do you mean, Admiral?"  
"I mean, sir, if there were one more, or… one less, would it make any difference to you?"

"No Admiral," said Vader, a note of curiosity in his voice. Where was Ozzell going with this?

"Then may I borrow that for a moment sir," said Ozzell, indicating Vader's lightsaber.

More and more interesting! Vader handed it over, waiting to see what happened next.

"Lieutenant," said Ozzell. He and the junior officer casually walked the length of the bridge, behind the standing line of bounty hunters. "Order is very essential on a ship, wouldn't you agree, Lieutenant?"

"Yes sir," said the Lieutenant.

They walked closer to Bossk, who wasn't paying them the attention he should have.

"And discipline, that includes respect for senior officers, doesn't it, Lieutenant?"

"Yes sir," said the Lieutenant. "I couldn't agree more."

"Very good," said Ozzell, coolly activating the lightsaber. Its red blade shot out, swinging around, decapitating Bossk just as he managed to look startled. His body slumped to the ground as his head rolled into the console pit.

20 sets of weapons turned on Ozzell. He slowly deactivated the blade.

"Impressive," said Vader. He reached out with his hand to retrieve the lightsaber, which floated through the air to him. "There may be hope for you yet, Admiral." He turned his attention to the bounty hunters.

"There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millennium Falcon," said Vader. "You can use any method necessary, but I want them alive, no disintegrations," he said, pointing to Boba Fett. "And above all, don't urinate on them."

Fett had a history of capturing bounties but then urinating on them—making them very smelly and unsanitary when turned over to the Empire later.

"As you wish," said Fett.

Vader looked at him, as if seeing him for the first time. "You're Boba Fett?"

"Yes," said Fett.

"I knew your Dad!" said Vader excitedly. "I saw him fight in the arena in Geanosis!"

"Really?"  
"That bastard Mace Windu got him. I kill him, you know."

"I did not know that," said Boba. "It sounds like we have a lot in common."

"We'll have to catch up and talk, later," said Vader. "There's so much we have in common—I wear a helmet, you wear a helmet, etc!"

Admiral Ozzell interrupted him. "Lord Vader—we have them!"

Vader turned to the bounty hunters. "Never mind, cancel lunch, you're no longer needed."

The Millennium Falcon came out of the asteroid field. Han activated the hyperdrive… and nothing happened.

The Falcon then turned and charged towards the Star Destroyer Avenger.

"Good, our second catch of the day," said Captain Needa.

The Falcon streaked over the bridge… and disappeared.

"Captain Needa, the ship no longer appears on our scopes," said an officer.

"Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit," said another.

"Oh no, he's going to strangle you!" said a third.

"Wait. There's a way out of this," said Needa. He turned to a junior officer. "Bake me a cake."

Luke was performing the very Jedi oriented lifting rocks with your mind exercise when R2 warned him his ship was sinking. He got distracted and they all fell down, including Yoda.

"Oh no, we'll never get it out now," said Luke.

"Ha ha, ha ha, you lost your ship, you lost your ship," said Yoda. "Now you will stay with Yoda forever and ever."

"Don't be like that."

"Ha ha ha ha. We can set up a nice room for you in the cave, yes, in the cave, and every time you turn off the lights to go to bed you can fight with Vader, ha ha, ha ha."

"That's not nice!"  
"Loser! Big loser are you!"

"Master, moving stones around is one thing, but my ship is totally different—it's a different color!"

"No, no different! Size matters not!"

"Heh, heh, heh heh heh," said Luke.

"What?"  
"I know a lot of girls who would disagree with that statement," said Luke.

"Think you that size matters so much? Think small I am, but using the force, to ladies I am like a Dewback!"

Luke got excited. "You've convinced me! I'll give it a try."

"No!" said Yoda. "Try not! Do! There is no try"

"So… when Ben told me you tried to kill the Emperor, and failed, you weren't trying then, you were doing?" Luke asked.

Yoda, angered by this jab, raised his paw. "Your lack of faith disturbing, I find it."

Luke started to have trouble breathing. He gasped, choked. "Ok, I'll do, I'll do."

His normal breathing returned.

He tried, rather than did, and the ship sunk in the water.

Yoda looked sad. He had invested nearly a whole day in training Luke to be a Jedi, and he couldn't even raise a ship out of the water. Where had he gone wrong?

"Size matters not," said Yoda. "Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Well, girls say to look at the size of your hands…."

"And well you should not. Because my ally is the Force. Midicloreans create it; it is simply biological bugs that crawl though out your body. That is what the Force is. Sounds really nice now, eh?" And then Yoda lifted up the Luke's ship.

"Kiss my feet you may now."

Everyone thought Captain Needa was a dead man as he came aboard the Executor bearing a cake.

Vader looked at the cake. It had chocolate frosting, and the words "I'm sorry, Vadar" written in dark side red. Even though it was misspelled, Vader felt sorry for the man.

"Do you have anything else do say, Captain Needa?" said Vader coldly. He was a goner. All eyes were on him.

"Only one thing, m'lord," said Needa.

Suddenly a crowd of red guards and stormtroopers rushed into the room, wearing party hats over their helmets.

"Happy birthday!" they yelled.

"What?" said Vader.

They started to break out in song. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Darth Vaaaader, happy birthday to you," they sung.

"But-"

"And presents," said Needa, snapping his fingers.

Stormtroopers brought forward a pair of black boots with cleats.

"For stepping on people after you choke them," said Needa.

Vader raised them up and everyone clapped.

Stormtroopers brought the next gift. A black belt with a belt buckle with the Empire's logo on it.

Everyone clapped again.

And they brought the last gift, an electronic pet in the shape of a miniature AT-AT. "Arf Arf!" said the AT-AT, as Vader held the leash.

"I don't know what to say," said Vader.

"Read the card."

Vader pressed the button on the slate and a holographic image appeared.

THE EMPIRE LOVES YOU! it said

And then the image of the Death Star zapping Alderaan appeared.

Over the ruins of the explosion the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARTH!" appeared.

"How nice," said Vader. And he meant it. He was so touched, he had to use the dark side to suppress tears. Everything was going well as they started to cut the cake and distributed pieces to Vader's red guards.

"Thank you Captain Needa, this is my best birthday ever," said Vader.

"Thank you, sir," said Needa.

"Just one thing, Captain."  
"Yes sir?"  
"It's not my birthday."

Vader knew what Needa had done, and why. But it was such a nice party! Vader actually smiled inside his helmet as he watched his red guards use their tall staffs to smack a pinata made to look like Wedge Antillies.

The Falcon was perched on the back side of the bridge of the Star Destroyer Avenger. How had it managed to come to such a perfect stop in so short a space and time?

"Simple," said Han. "I simply turned the off switch on the engines. We stopped immediately. That's the way the laws of physics works here."

"So what's your next move?" Leia asked.

"We wait until they dump their garbage and then float away."

"You really have a thing about garbage and escapes, don't you?" said Leia. "What then?"

Han started staring at a blue light.

"What is that blue light telling you?"  
"Places we can go to get the hyperdrive repaired."

"It just looks like a blue light to me," said Leia.

"I know it looks like a blue light, but it's filled with all sorts of technology stuff," said Han.

"That's blue in color," said Leia.

"Yes."

"Wait a minute," said Leia. "If we don't have hyperdrive, won't it take us years to reach the nearest star system?"  
'Quiet," said Han. "Lando."

"Lando?"

"Lando Calrissian. He's a card player, scoundrel, exotic merchandiser."

"Exotic merchandiser?"  
Lando Calrissian. Han hated the idea of going to Lando. He was about as trustworthy as a Gundark in a supermarket, which is to say, not trustworthy at all.

Han had once been persuaded to carry a sealed cargo for Lando, an easy job, he was told.

"Then why is it sealed?" said Han. "What is it, drugs? guns?"  
"No, nothing like that," said Lando. "Simply some luxury items."  
"Then why do you need a smuggler?"  
"There's a high import tax on these kinds of items," said Lando. "Trust me, it's nothing to worry about."  
So Han had taken the sealed cargo, a huge container, but when he landed and the container was opened, it was filled with children, in stasis! There were armed guards everywhere, nothing he could do, nothing but return to Lando in a rage.

"Yes, I was doing it to help the children," said Lando angelically.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Han had snapped.

"Well, adults, they can get jobs in most anything, but children, their work options are most limited," said Lando.

"So you sell children into slavery?" said Han.

"Slavery? No, no no," said Lando. "I find children from the poorest of the poor, and explain to their parents that their child is going to be taught a trade, being taught a skill, a profession. And it's all free of charge! You should see the parents practically begging me to take their children!"

"Into child slavery? I'll bet."

"The technical term is permanent voluntary servitude," Lando had said, with a big smile as if he were the biggest charity in the galaxy. "Think of the children, Han, think of the children."

They had almost come to blows then, but Han had settled for never hauling any unknown cargo for Lando again.

But now they had no option. "He's at Bespin," said Han. He remembered that Lando had diversified into cloud mining.

"Do you trust him?" Leia had asked.

"No, but he has no love for the Empire," said Han. Lando said that the Empire had "puritanical" laws against enslaving people under 18 years of age, so Lando didn't see eye to eye with them.

The Imperials dumped their garbage—metal, debris, wiring, and large amounts of manure. 10,000 stormtroopers aboard a star destroyer produced tons and tons of manure, and huge clouds of excrement were released. The Falcon bumped into one, and black goo attached itself to the upper part of the ship. Great. Maybe he could burn some of it off entering the Bespin atmosphere.

As the Falcon powered up Boba Fett followed them.

How did Boba Fett know where the Falcon would be?

Boba Fett heard what had happened at the Death Star and knew that rebels loved to escape with garbage. It was that simple. As Boba activated his transmitter, he thought this could be the haul to make him wealthy.

Maybe he would even make enough to buy back all his action figures.

Han, busy flirting with Princess Leia, didn't notice the ship flying a few hundred feet behind them.

Luke was back to lifting things again. But then he got a vision, and he lost his concentration and everything fell.

"I saw a city in the clouds!" said Luke. "And my friends were there! They were in pain!" He paused. "Well, actually only Han was in pain. And only for a few minutes. Otherwise, they seemed to be quite well."

"It is the future you see," said Yoda.

"Will they die?" Luke asked.

Yoda concentrated. He had a vision of Leia being executed by a firing squad, and Han being strangled by Darth Vader. "Nooo, fine they will be."

"I have to go to them!"  
"If you leave now, you will destroy all for which they have fought," said Yoda. "This entire long weekend of Jedi training—wasted! Are you ready to just away throw that?"

The Falcon was fired upon as it entered Bespin's atmosphere-but only just a little

"Wrraaa Wrraa Wrraaa!" said Chewbacca.

"That was a long time ago, I'm sure Lando has forgotten about that," said Han.

Han was referring to their last encounter with Lando. Lando had refused to pay them the full amount owed, taking a different view of "paid in full". Han had had to resort to extreme measures in order to get paid. Really extreme.

Threatening Lando with a blaster hadn't worked.

Beating him up didn't get him to pay either. So Han had cut off one of Lando's testicles and Chewbacca had eaten it. Only then had Lando paid up.

"I'm sure he's long since forgotten about that," said Han.

The Falcon landed on an external landing page on Bespin. When they got out of the ship, Leia was in the shock of her life.

Lando was Black!

There were no Black people in the Star Wars universe; at least, there never had up to now.

"Is that a black person?" said Leia. "In all the planets in the Star Wars galaxies I've been to, I've never seen one!"

Lando came out to greet them, flanked by some of his fashion-impaired guards. Han couldn't help but notice the way Lando walked a little off balance, a little to the right. It was his right testicle that Han had cut off and Chewbacca had eaten.

Lando came up close to them, an expression of rage on his face. Han instinctively covered his grown.

"Why you slimy doublecrossing no good testicle cutting swindler! You got a lot of nerve coming here!"

He moved close, and then gave Han a big greeting.

"How you doing, you old pirate!" said Lando, casually picking Han's pockets as he released him.

Lando's assistant, Musichead, turned and pointed for the blue soldiers to go.

Musichead never spoke. It was all part of his employment contract. His race, the Musicheadeans, always had to be plugged in to a continuous stream of music or else they would go mad. That's why they walked around with earphones all the time. There were little screens on the sides of their headphones that could be used to display music videos. While they didn't speak, and they couldn't hear anything else, they could read lips and use sign language, and, most importantly for Lando, they worked really, really cheap.

And they were also great dancers.

"What have you done to my ship?" Lando asked.

"Your ship? I bought it fair and square," said Han.

The image came to mind, once again, of sitting in Lando's office, a blaster pointed on him, as Chewbacca munched on his testicle. Lando actually owned half the Falcon, and Han had been working with him to raise enough money to buy the other half. But after their minor disagreement, Han had thought it best to take full ownership.

Han remembered that last time they had together. He had said, "Now that I have your full attention Lando, did you know that the Imperials were waiting for us on our last delivery? Some might even suspect that you arranged it."

Lando had howled with pain as he attempted to staunch the flow of blood from his groin.

"I of course don't believe that, but Chewbacca here isn't nearly as trusting as I am and doesn't believe that. He thinks you betrayed us," said Han. "But I think you could persuade him if you turned over your half of the Falcon to us."

"No!" said Lando.

"All right, it's your choice," said Han. "Chewie, would you like another nut to go with that?"

And so Lando had turned over the Falcon to them.

"And how you doing, Chewbacca?" Lando asked. "Eaten any good nuts lately?"

"Wraa," said Chewbacca nervously.

Lando spotted Leia. "Hello there, big head buns! And who might you be?"

"Leia," said Leia.

"Welcome, Leia," said Lando, kissing her right hand. She had just gone to the bathroom and had forgotten to wash it. Her hands and now his lips were coated in a thin layer of brown.

Lando, tastings something odd, started to spit first discretely and then violently as they walked off the platform.

They walked through the hallways.

"Gas mines still paying off for you?"  
"Oh, not as well as I might, but I'm trying to stay diversified," said Lando.

A long line of ragged children in chains were marched by them.

"Same old Lando," said Han.

Noticing Leia's alarmed looks, Lando said, "As part of our, uh, guest worker program we organize day care activities for the children."

As they walked a door opened and a droid who looked like 3PO said, "E Chuta!"

"How rude!"  
3PO was confused because although the droid looked like another protocol droid, it was actually an insult droid, programmed to be used against guests who Lando didn't want to be welcome, including tax auditors, bill collectors, and parents looking for missing children.

3PO heard an R2 unit beeping and immediately became electronically aroused. He entered the room to find an Imperial Stormtrooper blowing an "R2 Droid Whistle".

The soldiers blasted 3PO.

"You're right, it works!" said one of the stormtroopers, holding up the whistle. "It's hunting season on protocol droids!"

"Luke! You must complete the training!" said Yoda. "One more afternoon of backflips and rock lifting, and a Jedi will you be!"

"But Han and Leia will die if I don't go!"

"You don't know that," said Obi Wan. "Even Yoda cannot see their fate."

But Obi Wan could. He saw the image of Han being tortured in the electric waffle iron and he smiled. He always despised that cocky Force-dismissing pilot.

"This is a dangerous time, you can be tempted by the dark side," said Ben.

"Yes, remember your failure at the cave," said Yoda.

"But Master, I've learned so much since yesterday afternoon," said Luke. "When I have a few spare hours, I'll return and finish what I have begun!"

"Luke, I don't want to lose you to the Emperor the same way I lost Vader," said Obi Wan, remembering how he had cut off Anakin's arms, legs, and private parts and left him to burn while he had laughed at and urinated on his burning body.

"You won't."

Well, he was right about that.

"Only a fully trained Jedi Knight will conquer Vader and his Emperor," said Yoda. "Your rock stacking skills are impressive, but still need much work!"

"If you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone," said Obi Wan. "I cannot interfere."

"Well, seeing as your dead, I'm kind of guessing your help in any situation is pretty limited," said Luke. "By the way, how is death working out for you?"

"I get to eat all I want, and wear the same clothes without ever having to wash them, and I can have my way with your mother any time I want," said Obi Wan. "Actually, come to think of it, it's pretty much the same as living."

Luke got into his ship.

"Luke! Don't give in to hate! That leads to the Dark Side," said Obi Wan.

"What about fear, can I give into that?" Luke asked.

"Fear, that's as good as always," said Obi Wan.

"Strong is Vader, mind what you have learned about stacking rocks, save you it can!" said Yoda.

"Yes master," Luke said in a whiny voice.

He took off.

"That boy is our last hope," said Obi Wan.

"No, there is another," said Yoda. "Don't you remember Leia? Were you not there with me when she was born?"

"Leia? That's crazy talk. Girls can't be Jedis," said Obi Wan.

The preparations were all set for Vader to capture Han and Leia.

"Have them brought to the banquet room and my guards will close in from behind," Vader had instructed Lando.

"I don't understand," said Lando. "If you wanted them, why didn't you just grab them the moment they landed?"

"I don't simply want to capture them, Calrissian," said Vader. "I want to capture them, and dine with them." And with that he followed stormtroopers wearing aprons and chef hats into an Imperial Kitchen.

"Something's wrong," said Leia. "3PO's been missing too long."  
"Relax," said Han. "He probably went looking for love, again."  
Chewbacca entered the room carrying 3PO in pieces.

"It looks like he made a pass at a droid that wasn't in the mood," said Han, smirking.

Lando entered the room, gave Leia a thorough looking over. "You look absolutely beautiful," he said. Obviously, it had been a really long, long time since Lando had been with a girl. Which was probably true, since Leia was the only woman in the entire Star Wars universe. "You truly belong here with us among the clouds."

That was the terms of his agreement with Lord Vader.

"We only want the pilot, the one called Solo," Vader had said. "And another called Skywalker, who will soon follow."

"And the Princess?"

"You may keep her for yourself," said Vader. "I trust you can find ways to keep her busy?" He showed a holo of Leia wearing a metal bikini.

"Oooh, yes," said Lando. "But what are you going to do to Han and this Skywalker?'

"Oh, nothing much," Vader assured him. "There was a minor traffic accident some time ago, and all we just want to ask them some questions about it. They're not even suspects," said Vader reassuringly.

"Would you join me for a little refreshment? I think you will find it most enjoyable," said Lando.

They started walking. "We're a small operation, we don't fall within the jurisdiction of the Empire."

"Aren't you afraid the Empire is going to find out about this operation?" Han asked.

"No," said Lando. He lead them to a closed door. "I persuaded the Empire to leave us along in return for agreeing to have you put into a waffle iron." He looked at their startled expression. "Sorry, I should have opened the door first before saying that."

The door opened, revealing Darth Vader standing at the end of a long table.

Han fired at him, but Vader deflected the blaster bolts with his hands.

Now as we know, Vader's hands are robotic, and the force cannot flow over non-flesh, because there are no midicloreans there. Vader, seeing Han's surprised expression and knowing of his full awareness of the midiclorean issue, calmly took off his right glove to reveal his original fingernails, grafted onto his Terminator-like metal hand.

"We have prepared a special meal in your honor," said Vader.

Boba Fett stepped out from behind a pillar, carrying a blaster rifle and wearing an apron and chef's hat over his helmet. On Boba's Fett apron was a very cool picture of Boba Fett wearing the very same chef's hat he was at the moment and the caption "No food escapes me" underneath it.

Behind them, stormtroopers in waiter uniforms appeared, lead by Musichead.

"I had no choice, they arrived right before you did," said Lando. "I'm sorry," he added, smiling slightly, to show he wasn't. He turned to Vader. "Do I get to take his nuts now?"

"Not yet," said Vader. "Come, come, sit down, sit down even the Force cannot keep your food warm forever," said Vader.

Luke, flying his x-wing, had a vision of his friends being tortured. "We'll be there soon, R2. Hang on!"

Han made a face of pain. Leia felt like she was going to choke.

"What's wrong?" said Vader, indicating the plates. "This is stormtrooper stew, I made it myself." He stuck a straw in his face grill and started to slurp noisily.

"The Dark Side of the Force is very powerful, as you know," said Vader. "It can see into the future, crush people, wield a lightsaber—but did you also know, that it can cook extraordinarily good food?"

Leia shook her head. Han looked sick.

"It must have been all that dark side seasoning I put into it," said Vader. "I thought oregano would be an easy and seductive path to the dark side, but perhaps I overdid it." He turned to Han. "So, you were the pilot who fired on me at the Death Star?"

"Me?" said Han. "No, I was nowhere near-"

"Don't lie to me," said Vader, just a touch ominously. "I know it was you in the Millennium Falcon, and it was your firing on my wingman who caused him to lose control and crash into me."

"No, that wasn't me," said Han. He looked around. "Chewie, it was Chewie! I told him not to go up, but he took the ship, against my express orders—I didn't find out anything about it until he got back."

A stormtrooper brought a tray of hoerderves shaped like TIE Fighters. Han declined. Leia, took one, automatically thanking the stormtrooper without thinking. She bit into it; munching on a piece of solar panel.

"But my spies inform me you won a medal for this effort."

"Sure," said Han. "After they got back, I took some of the credit, ok, all of the credit, but it was really Chewie, all Chewie." He pointed at Chewbacca.

Chewbacca, growling, shook his head and pointed back at him.

"These cookies are good!" said Leia, hating to admit it.

"I know," said Vader. "Try this Jango Fett cupcake." There was a cupcake in the shape of a person with the image of Jango Fett on it. Leia obligingly cut off the head and started munching on it.

"What can you tell me about Obi Wan?" said Vader. "Did he ever… talk about me?"

Han shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Well?" said Vader.

"I didn't really know him very long." said Han, giving a pained expression.

Darth Vader raised a hand, and Han felt a brief constriction in his throat, a harbinger of the choking routine.

"Well, he did talk a little about someone," said Han haltingly. "I mean, someone I didn't know who, exactly."

"Go on."

"Something to do with... a fight at a volcano. He cut off someone's arms and legs, and lit him on fire, and urinated on him... but we didn't know who he was talking about, did we, Leia?"

"Uh uh," said Leia, her mouth full. She had picked up a gingerbread cookie made to look like Mace Windu and was busy munching on the right arm.

Vader stared at Han for a hard moment. All that could be heard were the sounds of his harsh breathing. The spell was broken when a stormtrooper in an apron came in carrying a large loaf of bread shaped like a star destroyer, followed by an even more enormous loaf of bread shaped like a super star destroyer.

"And you Princess, what can you tell me of my son?"

"Your son?" Leia asked.

"Luke," said Vader.

"Luke is your son?" Leia said.

"Yes," said Vader.

"How do you know?"

"I can sense it," said Vader. "I can always sense, through the Force, when I am in the presence of a close relative," he said, sitting 10 feet away from Leia. "So what is he like?"

"Nice," she started hesitantly.

"I can fix that," said Vader.

"Well-intentioned," she added. "Kind of whiny, though."  
"I was like that too," said Vader. "I'll arrange for him to score with Mara Jade, that will help him to build his confidence."

A squad of stormtroopers carrying an enormous tray entered the room. They carried an enormous circular black shaped cake shaped exactly like the Death Star, and a second cake, shaped like a planet, with the words "Alderaan" on it in frosting.

"Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational dessert," said Vader. He added, "Fire at will, Commander!"  
The squad leader pressed a button on a remote control, and a laser shot out from inside the cake, blasting the Alderaan cake; and pieces of it splattered all over Leia's peasant dress.

"Oooh," said Luke, in his x-wing. His visor was orange, meaning he could see everything but orange ships—not a good style choice for Bespin, where everything was orange in the evening!

R2 beeped inquiringly.

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if one very vain and petty woman cried out, because her dress got stained, and then all was silent," said Luke. "We must get to Bespin, or other dresses will suffer the same fate as hers."

Chewbacca was being tortured. He had previously been given a large tray of bananas filled with laxatives, and had littered the floor with the results. Now they were playing an extremely soft whining sound, whose sheer softness and gentleness was driving Chewbacca mad.

The gentle whining stopped. The torture felt like it had been going on for hours. Actually, about 15 seconds had passed.

Meanwhile, Han had been strapped down and pressed against a hot waffle iron.

They could hear his screams even as Darth Vader emerged.

He turned to Boba Fett. "You may take Solo to Jabba the Hutt after I have Skywalker."

"He's no good to me dead," said Boba in a new voice.

"What's wrong with your voice, Boba?" said Darth. "You used to sound different, more British, less New Zealand-y."

"Lord Vader, what about Leia and the Wookie?'

"Have the Princess and the Wookie shaved of all their bodily hair, and then swap and wear each other's clothing," said Vader.

"That was never a condition of our deal, nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter!"

"Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?" said Vader suggestively, looking down at Lando's remaining testicle.

"No," said Lando.

"Good," said Vader. "It would be a shame if you were made to walk around in lipstick, a ladies bra and pantyhose in front of your men."

Chewbacca had put 3PO partially back together.

"Oh, that's very good, yes I like that," said 3PO, as Chewbacca put a big pointy thing in Chewbacca's anal node cluster.

"Wait, wait," said 3PO. He looked down. "My head is on backwards! I can see my ass! I don't know whether to criticize or thank-"

Suddenly two stormtroopers came in dragging Han. They were all alone and they were occupied dragging Han, so much so that even Princess Leia, much less Chewbacca, could have beaten them up and escaped.

They dropped him on the floor and picked up 3PO and carried him out. "Wait, where are you taking me?"

"So, we meet again, 3PO," said that deep voice.

"What? I'm afraid I don't understand," said 3PO.

"They must have erased your memory," said Vader. "A pity. It's me, Annie."

"Annie?"

"Anakin Skywalker. I built you as a child when I was Watto's slave. Don't think I wouldn't recognize you after all these years?"

"You… ah… built me?"  
"Yes," said Vader. "In a way, you could say, I am your father."

"But… But… how did you end up like that-"  
"An unfortunate fishing accident," said Vader. "No time to get into that now. It's good to see you again, 3PO. Is R2 around, per chance?"

"R2? You know him too? Why, he's with Master Luke."

"Good, " said Vader. "Then I will see him soon. Then I just have one question left for you."  
"What?"

"Where is Jar Jar?"

"Who?"  
"Jar Jar!"

"He never even asked any questions," said Han. He blinked. "Except, Where is Jar Jar? Where is Jar Jar? I don't even know who or what a Jar Jar is."

Lando entered, along with some of his blue guards.

"Vader has agreed to turn Leia and Chewie over to me. They'll have to stay here but at least they'll be safe. Chewie can work in the mines and we can find an occupation to suit Leia's obvious talents," said Lando, licking his lips.

"What about Han?"

"Well, we kind of have to give him to this bounty hunter," said Lando. "But they promise to be very, very gentle with him."  
"Vader wants us all dead," said Leia.

"You're wrong, he's after some wimpy guy named Skywalker."

Han got up and smacked Lando. Lando's blue guards beat Han with clubs.

"Stop!" Lando yelled. If Han were injured, the Bounty Hunter might get angry with him.

"Perhaps this will make you feel better," said Lando. He snapped his fingers. Musichead stepped into the cell. Music sprouted from his ears, and he immediately started to break out in dance.

Darth Vader reviewed the carbonite freezing chamber.

"I like the low level mood lighting and the red floor panel lighting, and all these platforms should make for excellent force jumping and dueling," said Vader. "You may tell the imperial decorators that I approve."

A junior space nazi approached. "Lord Vader, a ship approaching, X-Wing class."  
"Good. Monitor Skywalker and allow him to land. You know what that means, don't you?"  
"Yes. Allow him to land and then blast him,' said the officer.

"Why do we only clone dumb people?" Vader wondered aloud.

Lando said, "Lord Vader, we only use this facility for freezing body parts for long term transport." Stealing and selling body parts had been another long term Lando venture, along with child slavery. "You put him in there, you might kill him."  
"Then we will test it out. Does anyone have a ham that needs freezing?" said Vader.

"No, you should test it out on a person," said Lando.

"All right, we'll do it on a stormtrooper."

"No," said Lando. "A stormtrooper might be hardier than this Skywalker. You need someone in a weakened condition, just to be sure."

Vader leaned in close to Lando. "You really don't like him, do you?"  
Han was brought to the carbonite chamber.

"I really like how the red floor lighting reflects off of my stormtroopers," said Vader. "Very cool, I will have to make a note for my Imperial Decorators. But we need more mist, more mist!"

The mist sprayers started bursting copious amounts into the air.

"Ah, yes, that greatly darkens the mood," said Vader.

"What's going on, buddy?" Han asked.

'They're concerned about your safety and welfare on your trip to Jabba the Hutt," said Lando. "So they're going to freeze you to make absolutely sure you arrive ok."

"What if he doesn't survive the freeze? He's worth a lot to me," said Boba.

"The Empire will give you a coupon to get a free ride on any Star Destroyer of your choice," said Vader.

"Not good enough."  
"We'll also give you a big shopping cart and an hour alone in the Imperial Action Figure Collection Vault."

Chewbacca started to cry and kill stormtroopers.

Han yelled at him to stop.

"Stop, Chewie, stop!" said Han. "I don't want to escape! I want to be frozen in a block of ice with my big lips sticking out so I can hang on Jabba's wall! Please don't interfere." He turned to a guard. "Better put some cuffs on him; and if he interferes, don't hesitate to use an anal probe."

Han turned to the Princess. They exchanged a kiss. Han reached out to put his tongue in her mouth, but Vader used force pull to pull his tongue out of her mouth.

"I love you," said Leia. She waited for a response.

"I haven't slept with you yet, how would I know?" said Han.

Vader ordered the floor steam turned to full blast. It looked like Leia was cooking on a stove, with warm French Fry hot lamps shining up on her.

Han was lowered into the pit. At the last instant he thrust his face up and stuck his lips out as far as he could. Then he was frozen.

Big metal arms pulled the block of Han out, slamming him onto the platform. His face and hands were sticking out of the block, but it was his giant lips that attracted the most attention.

I've never seen him looking this good, Leia realized.

"Well Calrissian?"  
"Wait, let me test," said Lando. He took a big hammer, aimed carefully, and then swung it, with all his might, at Han's testicles. The hammer slammed down but the carbonite block didn't crack.

"Yep, he's frozen all right," said Lando.

"He's all yours, Bounty Hunter," said Vader. "And, if you still want them, the action figures are also yours. We really do have more than we know what to do with."

His nazi apprentice landed. "Skywalker just landed, Lord. Should we blast him now, or later?"  
"Spread a trail of breadcrumbs to this chamber. Calrissian, take the Princess and the Wookie to my shuttle."

"You said they would be left in the city under my supervision."

"I am altering the deal, and I am altering you as well " said Vader. "Report to my surgeon to have your other nut removed. It will be held in carbonite pending the completion of this mission and your good behavior."

Lando exchanged glances with Musichead. Lando winked. Musichead looked confused. Lando pointed to the stormtroopers, pointed a finger like a gun, and mouthed "bang bang" sounds with his mouth. Musichead made the "ooohhh" mouthing with his lips.

Vader, admiring the steam and orange lighting, noticed none of this.

Luke noticed the heavy carbonite block being levitated away. He peeked to get a better look, when Boba Fett fired some shots at him.

"Fett, what are you doing?" came the voice over his comm.. "The Emperor wants him alive!"

"Jabba the Hutt will compensate you for your loss," said Boba Fett, in a deep, Vader like voice. He laughed.

Lando pressed a series of buttons on his wristwatch.

Musichead, who had been napping, suddenly came awake, and started dancing.

Luke caught up with the group who were taking Leia. But a single stormtrooper with bad aim held him off, while a junior nazi who resembled Boba Fett dragged Leia away. Luke seemed to follow them, stepping through a DOORWAY, but instead seemed to end up in an ELEVATOR that took him to the carbon freezing room.

Luke looked around, realizing he had been a victim of the Jedi Editing Trick.

The room was dark, steamy, full of places to fall. Obviously, it was lightsaber time.

Vader had the planetarium director turn on the orange floor lighting; on cue, Vader spoke, "The Force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet."

Luke calmly walked up to the catwalk near the bluescreen where Vader waited. They drew their lightsabers.

They battled with their lightsabers. Very very slowly. Not as slowly as Obi Wan and Vader did on the Death Star; that was a record in slowness. But still, by all standards, very slowly. If Darth Maul had been there, he could have sliced both of them in half a second. But then, Darth Maul would have stood very still and let someone jump up in front of him and sliced him in half because he was so overconfident.

Musichead leapt into the hallway and started dancing. Lando and his blue guards used this distraction to disarm the stormtroopers.

"Well done. As a reward for a job well done, feel free to download a few soundtracks from the city computer, on me," said Lando. He gestured to the stormtroopers. "Take them to the chopped beef machine in the cafe. And keep it quiet. I don't want anyone to hear them screaming."

He released Leia and Chewie from their handcuffs. "The Wookie will be taken to the circus. Princess, if you can start taking off your clothes-"

Chewie started to strangle Lando.

"You can still save Han," said Lando. "East Bay Platform…" he gasped.

They released him and started running.

Lando smiled. He knew that Boba Fett's ship was docked at the West Bay Platform. They'd never discover their mistake and get there in time. Well, that's what they got for strangling him when he was only trying to help out. He wondered if he'd still be able to get Leia into his harem.

"Put Captain Solo in the frozen food section of my freezer," said Boba Fett, posing before the beautiful sunset. Very nice place for a romantic vacation, he thought. Must remember to bring Mara Jade here for a long weekend.

Leia and Chewie ran through the corridors. R2 linked up with them. "R2, did you know that Darth Vader built me?"

"Beep beep poo!"

"How come you never mentioned it to me?"  
"Beep beep whistle!"

"What do you mean, I never asked?"

Because Lando had thoughtfully told them the wrong place to go, they lost time going to the wrong platform, and they finally arrived at the correct platform just as the ship was taking off. They started firing at the ship.

Their blasterfire caused the engines to burst open and the whole ship exploded.

"Oh, maybe firing on it wasn't such a good idea after all," said Leia.

Chewie roared, and pointed. The ship, the real ship, Boba Fett's Slave IV, lifted off from an adjacent platform. They watched, open mouthed, as Boba Fett did a low pass, waving at them from the cockpit, and then flew away.

Vader dueled with Luke a little more. Then he Force Pushed Luke into the carbonite pit, and activated it. But Luke used the vine jumping skills that Yoda had taught him when training him to be a Jedi Knight to escape.

Vader, not noticing this, said, "All too easy. Perhaps you didn't come from my groin after all."

Then he noticed Luke climbing the tubes above the pit, and do a somersault.

"Impressive."  
Luke shoved a mist pipe in Vader's face, and grabbed his lightsaber and started dueling again.

"Obi Wan has taught you well," said Vader. "Your somersault and vine climbing skills are truly extraordinary. Now release your anger and hatred! I want you to think really nasty thoughts about me!"

They continued to battle. Neither of them coughed even once in the dense smoke, even though Vader had bad lungs and Luke wasn't wearing any kind of filtration system.

Vader continued to taunt Luke. "When we had the Princess prisoner on the Death Star, we used the anal probe on her. Within minutes she would tell us anything. We had her licking Moff Tarkin's boots within an hour—and loving it!"  
Luke fought back fiercely but slowly. And then, very slowly, he pushed Vader off a ledge.

"It's over Vader," said Luke. "I have the high ground now." Ben had told him to say that. He wasn't quite sure why.

Luke had a choice; he could escape now and find his friends, or he could FOLLOW VADER DOWN SOME VERY DARK CORRIDORS AND BE AMBUSHED.

Luke chose the latter.

He went to a window that looked like a TIE Fighter cockpit window and admired the view. All he needed was a joystick and he could play like he was a TIE fighter pilot!

Vader appeared. He started to levitate all sorts of wall stuff to hit Luke. Wack wack wack! Luke started to get mauled. It served him right for that crack about the high ground.

And then Luke fell out a window.

And then, again using the Jedi Editing Trick, Luke was on a platform overlooking a really big pit. He instinctively knew the final duel would be there.

Lando went to a public PA system. Evidently anyone could go to a hallway and get a microphone and speak to the entire city.

"Attention, this is Lando Calrissian. The Empire has taken control of the city, and they want to remove my balls. I suggest everyone leave the city before more Imperial Troops arrive. And don't forget your slaves."

They fought their way back to the Falcon. Along the way windows they hadn't previously noticed before showed beautiful views of the sunset. They were so distracting that at one point everyone, rebel and stormtrooper alike, stopped to admire the views.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" said Leia.

The stormtrooper leader nodded, a smile on his face, as Leia shot him.

"OK, break over," said Leia, shooting the others.

They ran for the ship; the Imperials scored direct hits on the Falcon, but not on the fleeing fugitives. Only much later did they learn that they were supposed to shoot the fugitives, not the ship.

Lando stood outside the ship, firing back like an idiot.

"Run, Lando, Run," came Obi Wan's ghostly voice.

For some reason, Luke decided it would be a really good idea to hang around on this narrow catwalk overlooking this giant, deep pit.

Darth came out and they did some more lightsabering. At one point Darth pushed him to the ground and said, "You are beaten. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi Wan did."

"Whoa," said Luke. "My understanding is that Obi Wan wasn't destroyed, he got beamed up into glowing Force man."  
"Do not argue semantics with me, Skywalker."

They resumed lightsabering; Luke got a lucky chop on Vader's shoulder.

"Are you ok?" Luke asked.

"You sliced through my shoulder," said Vader. "Just a minor flesh wound. I'll get more robot parts, later."  
They fought some more, and then Vader sliced off Luke's hand.

Luke screamed.

"Don't be a weakling, it's not like I cut off the entire arm. Doing that is called an 'Obi Wan', you know," said Vader.

Luke edged back onto the edge of the ledge.

"Don't make me destroy you," said Vader.

"Destroy? You make me sound like a robot to be turned off. How about 'kill'?" Luke asked.

"Luke, I want to keep things PG between us," said Vader. "That's why there was no blood when I CUT YOUR HAND OFF."  
"Luke, you have only begun to discover your power," said Vader. "You think lifting three rocks in a pile is something? Imagine lifting five rocks, ten rocks! You could be an invincible pile of rocks lifter!"

Vader continued. "Join me and I will complete your training. We can finish it tomorrow after breakfast. Then we can get you a nice Darth name and fit you out with some plastic. How does that sound?"  
Luke kept edging away. "I'll never join you!"

"If you only knew the power of the dark side," he said. "It lets you shake your fist, like this!" he said, doing it. Another thought occurred to him. "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father?"

"He told me enough… he told me you killed him!"

"That old story, about cutting his throat while he was eating a cup of soup?" Vader said. "Ah, ha ha ha. No. I am your father."

"No… that's not true… that's impossible!"

"It is very possible," said Vader. "It was a dark and stormy night on Coruscant. I removed your mother's clothes, and spread her legs wide and put her in the position. Her name was Padme, and she had perfect breasts. I squeezed them as I spread her royal thighs and entered her. After nearly ten seconds of intense pleasure, you, Luke, were created."

"That's not possible!"

"Search your feelings, you will know it to be true!" said Vader.

"Nooooooooo!' Luke cried.

Vader laughed.

"What's so funny?" Luke demanded.

"It's nothing," said Vader.

"What?" Luke asked.

"Well, it's just, I do the same thing," said Vader. "When I'm really upset, I say "Noooooooo"

"Really?" said Luke.

"You should have seen me the day I learned I choked your mother to death. I yelled 'Nooooooo' so lamely that everyone laughed at me," said Vader. "Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. Join me and rule the galaxy as father and son!"

Suddenly, his wrist comm. chimed.

"Yes?' said Vader.

"I heard that," said a familiar voice.

"It's all part of the act, Emperor, I'm trying to incentivize him. I didn't mean anything."

"Yes, you did," said the Emperor.

"Can we talk about this later?" Vader closed the comm..

Luke was busy looking down, trying to find the best spot to commit suicide from.

"Come with me, it is the only way," said Vader.

Luke jumped.

"Ok, not the only way," said Vader.

Normally, Luke would have fallen to his death in a fall of thousands of feet like that, but because he was such a lightweight, he landed gently in a tube, which dropped him onto a TV antenna under the city. As he hung there he admired the gorgeous orange sunset. He would have to come back here for a vacation sometime!

Vader was a bit nervous. The Emperor had ordered him to capture Luke, not kill him. He would be a little unhappy if Vader had failed.

"I never thought he would actually jump," Vader could see himself telling the Emperor.

"You should have known," the Emperor would say. "What is it with you and dueling over big, open spaces? Why can't you do it in a room without any pits?"  
"It adds to the atmosphere of the duel," Vader would say, trying to change the subject.

Vader reached out with the Force. He felt a tiny wave of indigestion.

Luke was still alive.

"Leia… help me…. Help me get off this…"

Leia was on the Falcon, looking hypnotized.

"Leia? Is something wrong?" Lando asked.

Leia blinked. She had been daydreaming about Luke asking her to take off his pants. "No, why do you ask?"

"I see a man hanging onto a TV antenna, waving at us to come pick him up, is that anyone you know?" Lando asked.

"Alert my star destroyer…." Vader paused, to look at the sunset. Simply beautiful. "…to prepare for my arrival."

The Falcon lowered down under Luke. Lando reached out to catch him, Luke let go… just as the ship lurched slightly, sending Luke slamming onto the hull.

"Close is good enough," said Lando philosophically. "Ok, let's go!"

"Get up here," said Leia. "We're being attacked by four TIE Fighters! If we don't hurry, a fifth one may come next!"

Vader stepped off his shuttle. There were only four stormtroopers there. He knew this was short notice, but still, what kind of greeting was this? Have to talk to Ozzell about that.

Leia started making out with Luke while his arm was hooked into a hand stump machine they just happen to have. After slobbering over his face, she said, "I'll be back."  
They tried to reactive the hyperdrive, but it wasn't working.

Vader went over to Admiral Ozzell, who was doing his best to pretend he was somewhere else.  
"Have your men deactivated the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon?"  
"Yes my Lord." He turned to Captain Piett for confirmation.

"Oh absolutely," said Piett.

Actually quite the opposite. If this didn't get Ozzell killed, nothing would.

"Good. Then gather a bunch of expendable troopers, and set your weapons to stun."  
Vader made a telepathic call on Luke.

"Luke… how's the hand doing?"  
"Ben, why didn't you tell me?" Luke groaned.

"Obi Wan did this kind of shit all the time," said Vader. "Did I ever tell you about the time he cut off all my arms and legs, lit me on fire, and urinated on me? A guy who will do that will do almost anything. Take my advice, you don't want that kind of guy as your friend."

The Falcon repeatedly flew about two hundred feet in front of the Star Destroyer but they still didn't turn on their tractor beam because the tractor beam crew was still mesmerized by the creamy orange sunset.

"Luke… it is your dessss…tiny…."

"Ha!" said Luke.

"What?" said Vader.

"Despite my sliced off hand and mixed up feelings, I thought the way you stretched out "Destiny" was really goofy. How can I take you seriously when you talk like a comic book?" Luke asked reasonably. He sighed again. "Ben… next time I see you, I'm going to fix you good!"

Admiral Ozzell grew increasingly nervous as Vader glared at him and nothing was happening. He went over and gave the tractor beam officer a kick, and he in turn turned off the monitor showing the sunset on Bespin and focused on his targeting display.

"Ready for the tractor beam," said Piett.

R2-D2 went into the steam pit and turned on the hyperdrive, which had been merely turned off. The ship escaped.

On the bridge of the Executor, everyone looked at Vader, expecting him to strangle Admiral Ozzell. The tension was so thick you could feel it.

"No, no no no no," said Vader aloud. "You have me all wrong. I don't like strangling people. Do you want to know what the dark side is all about, for me?"

Silence.

"Do you?"  
"Yes," said an unidentified officer.

"For me, the Dark Side is about ultimate power," said Vader. "It's about ridiculous environmental rules, that force you to have a lower your standard of living for no good reason. It's about national health care, where the empire, not you, picks your medical droid. It's about high taxes, and blowing up planets, and invading armies. But strangling people?" He put an arm on Ozzell

"I don't like to do it," he said.

Ozzell looked relieved.

"Admiral Ozzell?"  
"Yes, Lord Vader?"  
"Please report to ground beef processing."

Ozzell screamed as he was taken away

"You are in command now, Admiral Piett," said Vader.

"Thank you, Lord Vader."

Luke was on a "sex ship". The Rebel fleet had ships geared for specific purposes. He was on a Nebulon B sex ship it was a long, phallic thing with a rod sticking out. There also was another kind of sex ship, a big oval shaped Calamari Cruiser. The two were constructed so that the phallic Nebulon B ship could slide its pole in and out of the oval shaped Calamari cruiser, simulating spaceship sex in space.

On the Falcon, Lando looked dapper—WEARING HAN SOLO'S CLOTHES!

"Luke, we're ready to go," said Lando.

"Wait a minute, what are you doing, wearing Han's clothes?" said Luke.

"I uh, thought since he wasn't using them right now-"  
"Creepy, it looks really creepy," said Luke. "Take them off, RIGHT NOW!"

"I don't have any other clothes."

"Ok, so first opportunity you get, you buy some new ones, and then you put them back where you found them!" said Leia.

"Ok, ok, I'll find some other clothes," said Lando.

"And wash them thoroughly, before you put them back!"

"All right already!"

"I'll meet you at the rendezvous point on Tattooine," said Luke.

"I thought you wanted me to go ahead and infiltrate Jabba's palace before you get there?" said Lando.

"Uh, yeah, that sounds like a better idea," said Luke. "Sorry, when they cut off my hand I think a piece of my brain went along with it."

Luke had his artificial hand put on. He would NEVER AGAIN HAVE ANY SENSATION IN HIS RIGHT HAND! But no need to be sad about something as trivial as that. Time to look at the stars and hug Leia and be sensitive.

Leia looked up at Luke. "Time to make that baby now?"

"Sure," said Luke. "It's not like we're related, or anything."

THE END

Return of the Jedi

The Inside Story

The Imperial Class Star Destroyer Avenger cruised by the forest moon of Endor, on its way to the second Death Star. It had taken nearly two weeks of backbreaking labor to make the second Death Star, but it was almost ready.

The first Death Star had taken over 20 years to build. This one was a lot quicker because they had learned from the mistakes of the first one, most notably to make the superlaser point outwards, not inwards. They had had to construct the first one seven times before they had figured that out.

Darth Vader's shuttle descended from the docking bay of the Star Destroyer Avenger. Vader's Super Star Destroyer, the Executor, was being redecorated, on the personal orders of the Emperor.

"Why must you take my SSD out of commission?" Vader had had the temerity to ask.

"What is the purpose of a Super Star Destroyer?" the Emperor had asked.

"To strike fear into the hearts of our subjects," said Vader.

"Yes," said the Emperor. "But also, to teach them a little something about fashion."

"Fashion?"

"The cool, steel minimalist designs. Don't tell me that we haven't been widely imitated. But I've gotten the feeling lately that we're missing a living, breathing element. Perhaps we should consider adding curtains on the control deck, or carpeting in the landing bays."

"Emperor-"

"The dark side of the force is a path not only to global conquest, but to good decorating! Never forget that!" said Palpatine, his eyes blazing. And that was that.

And so Vader took his old Imperial Class STD to the new Death Star. He launched from the ship in a Lamda Class Shuttle with an escort of two TIE Fighters. Vader actually didn't want an escort. The last time he had one of them crashed into him. This escort had strict orders to stay at least a half mile away or they would suffer the consequences.

Vader could hear his pilots requesting clearance, and being asked for the security code. Vader sighed. Once again, the Emperor had insisted on picking the code himself. Rebels had stolen the original Death Star plans after figuring out the Emperor's code of "Give in to your anger." And now, once again, the Emperor had picked a new code that was almost identical, "Your hate has made you powerful."

Vader had tried to argue that the two codes were too similar, and the rebels would crack it easily again, but the Emperor would have none of it. "Similar? One code talked of anger, the other of hate. Very different things."  
"But you always say stuff like that," said Vader. "Anyone who listens to you for 5 minutes will know what the code is."  
"You think we have a traitor in the palace?" The Emperor asked, getting that spooky paranoid look in his shifty yellow eyes. Paranoia was never very far away, so that had ended that discussion real quick.

Moff Jerrjerrod was in command of the new Death Star. He had fewer sucking candies on his uniform than Tarkin did, but the Emperor had promised him another red and blue candy and a chocolate bar of valor when the station was completed. He made sure that soldiers representing every kind of uniform were standing on display. Jerrjerrod had had his personal events coordinate position them, and even handed out banners for them to hold reading, "Death Star 'heart' Darth Vader" and "Sith Welcome Party in the Gymnasium at 14:00".

The minute Vader landed Jerrjerrod started licking up to him. "Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure. I was just telling my aide yesterday how great it would be if you came and visit. The guards in the detention center say interrogations just aren't the same without you-"  
"You may dispense with the boot licking," said Vader. "I'm here to put you back on schedule."

"My men are working as fast as they can."

"You have had two full weeks and have only produced three quarters of a Death Star, what have you been doing, sitting on your hands?" Vader asked.

"This station will be operational as planned."  
"The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation."

"But he asks the impossible. I need more men!"

"Wait wait wait!" said Vader. He looked at the line of troopers. A green trooper was standing in line with a group of black clad troopers! "What is this?"  
"Sorry, Lord Vader, we didn't have time to rehearse before you arrived!"

"How can you hope to build the Death Star when you can't even line up in color coordinated fashion correctly?" Vader asked. "I hope you don't show the Emperor such poor color coordination."

"The Emperor is coming here?" said Jerrjerrod.

"Yes Commander. And he is most displeased by not only your lack of progress, but lack of color coordination in trooper formations."

"We shall double our efforts."

"I hope so Commander, for your sake," said Vader. "The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am."

As he turned to walk away, Vader said, "And commander?"  
"Yes?"

"Did you remember to put a sign over the reactor exhaust port saying, 'Construction Area, closed to traffic?"

"Yes sir, and the orange cones and the 'Wookies at Work' sign, just as you requested."

"Good." Since only two weeks had transpired since the last one was destroyed, they hadn't had time to fix the minor technical flaw that had resulted in the destruction of the other station.

As he walked away Vader admired the polish on the floors. He'd really have to ask Jerrjerrod what cleanser he was using; he wished the floor of the inside of his egg could look this clean.

Back in his egg, Vader sent a telepathic message to Luke. "Luke… Luke.. join me on the dark side of the force… it is the only way…"

Luke had gone to Obi Wan's home to build a new lightsaber. It had only been two weeks since Ben had vacated the place, but the place was already filled with bantha excrement and Tuscan Raider porn magazines. Luke worked on his new lightsaber. He activated it, then noticed the color. "Green! Awwww!" he moaned. He really wanted blue, or even purple.

R2-D2 and C-3PO were wandering in the desert of Tattooine. You may wonder why they weren't gobbled up by jawas and Sand People. In the space of a half a mile they had already been attacked three times.

The fourth time they were attacked proved instructive.

A pair of Sand People jumped onto the road and yelled "Awk Awk!", raising their gaffi sticks.

Luke jumped out from behind a rock and sliced them both, lengthwise. "Are we clear?"  
"I think so, Master Luke," said 3PO.

Luke looked at the trail of half bodies littering the road behind them. "We got about 500 feet this time, we're making progress."

Luke left them when they got close to Jabba's palace. 3PO and R2 went around back to the delivery area. There were giant containers of liquid near the front door labeled "Hutt Lubricant". There was an equally large garbage bin to the side filled with partially eaten people.

They knocked on the door and a door monitor popped out and started speaking in Huttesse.

"No more sex droids."

"We are not sex droids," said 3PO. "At least, my companion is not. We have been sent here with a message for Jabba the Hutt."

"Did his wife send you?"  
3PO and R2 looked at each other. "No -"

"One moment. Scanning you for bombs. Rrr Rrr Rrr. You're clear. Ok."

The door opened. and they were greeted by Gammorean Pig Guards, and then, moments later, by Jabba's personal manicurist, Ugly Tentacle Head Alien.

"Wanga wanga wingo!" said Ugly Tentacle Head Alien.

"We are here to deliver a message to Jabba the Hutt," said 3PO. He eyed the surroundings—a dark, empty cave like hallway. Obviously, Jabba didn't believe in going overboard on furniture.

Ugly Tentacle Head Alien started to fondle R2. R2 started to tremble and get very robotically aroused as the alien's long fingernails painfully but also pleasurably scratched his dome.

R2 started to rotate his dome left and right, left and right, rubbing against Ugly Tentacle Head Alien. UTHA bent forward, feeling the rubbing motion more.

"Oohhh Oohhh Oohhh," said UTHA

"All right, all right, I that's quite enough," said 3PO.

They were lead into Jabba's living room. A muppet dog barked at 3PO as he came down the steps.

Jabba was a giant beanbag alien who could barely move. He had changed a lot in the two weeks since he had seen Han in Mos Eisley. He was much bigger, fatter, and darker in color, and he was no longer nice and wimpy.

R2 played a message of a holographic Luke. Luke was wearing a severe black outfit, dressing the part for his new no-nonsense "You get in my way, I slice you" attitude.

"Greetings, bloated one," said Luke. "I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and expert slicer of many people. I seek an audience with your corpulence to negotiate for Han Solo's life. With your wisdom, I'm sure we can arrive at an agreement, and avoid my having to use my lightsaber for numerous slicing and cutting activities around your body, neck, and especially groin areas."

"As a token of my goodwill, take these droids. They are hard workers and will serve you well. The taller one is gay, but a restraining bolt in his anus will prevent others from using him in a manner you may find disturbing."

"He's no Jedi," said UTHA. "His teeth are too good!"  
"Ho ho ho," said Jabba. "Waa waa Ra waa waa." He pointed to Han Solo, frozen on his wall, with his giant lips still sticking out. And SOMEONE had put bright red lipstick on his thick Corellian lips!

All of them laughed, especially Salacious Cock, Jabba's groin muppet. Hutts didn't wear clothes, but out of a sense of modesty, most Hutts had groin muppets to cover their groin parts. Salacious Cock was Jabba's groin muppet.

R2 and 3PO were brought to the droid S&M facility, where droids were being poked with hot irons, whipped, and spanked. "Ooooh, I think I may like it here after all," said 3PO.

The droid in charge took one look at 3PO and said, "I know exactly what to do with you. Put a restraining bolt in this one, and then tight leather gigalo pants."

"Ooooh, if you must put a restraining bolt in me, can it be a very long and wide one?" said 3PO

Evil droid in charge turned to R2. "Hm... you look just about the right side for the master, if we can fit a condom over you. How do you feel about anal interfaces?"

R2 squealed uncontrollably.

Oola, a green slave girl, was just finishing a dance routine, a very different line of work from her previous profession. For she was actually Jedi Master Aayla Secura, who had been captured by her clone troopers on the giant flower planet and turned over to Jabba as a slave. For the past 20 years she had been Jabba's dance slave.

Jabba pulled her in for a kiss. She struggled, resisting. Jabba didn't like green slave girls who played hard to get. He had a way of dealing with that. He pushed a button and Aayla Secura fell into a pit and was eaten by a Rancor.

Suddenly, a midget Breen wearing a helmet entered Jabba's palace, pulling Chewbacca on a leash.

This was part of the plan—to get as many of their friends to be prisoners of Jabba, so when the time came, they would miraculously break out of their chains and help Han escape. General Rieekan had been brought in chains yesterday; the day before that, Wedge Antillies, and the day before that, Mom Mothma and Admiral Ackbar. Mom Mothma was sitting on Jabba's lap wearing a shiny metal bikini, while Admiral Ackbar was lying on a deli counter, wrapped in two slices of bread.

"The mighty Chewbacca," said Jabba. "What are you doing here?"  
"To collect the bounty," said the Breen.

Jabba turned to Boba Fett. "Why did you not collect Chewbacca when you got Han?"

"For a bounty of 20 credits?" said Boba Fett.

"You have a point," said Jabba.

"Come on, take him," said the Breen. "I came all this way-"

"500," said Jabba.

"What?"

"Pay me 500 credits to take him," said Jabba.

"You want me to pay you to take Chewbacca?" the Breen asked.

"Ho ho ho," said Jabba.

The Breen pulled out a little ball and pressed on it, causing it to make beeping sounds.

"He's got a thermal detonator!" said 3PO, looking very odd in tight leather pants, especially ones with an open hole in the back.

Boba Fett, who had been busy making out with a redheaded alien, aimed his rifle at the Breen in one swift motion.

"Ho ho ho," said Jabba. "Ho ho ho. Toss it here."

"What?" said the Breen.

"Toss it here," said Jabba, opening his mouth.

The Breen did so and Jabba swallowed the thermal detonator. Suddenly, there was a small explosion, and then Jabba burped.

"I can eat anything." said Jabba. "Tell you what. If you smother him in chocolate, I'll pay you the bounty on him."

The Breen agreed.

The music started up again. Max Rebbo, the blue elephant with the very flexible nose, started to play the blue elephant piano.

Boba Fett nodded slightly to the Breen. The Breen felt a wave of excitement, and rushed forward to get an autograph.

Meanwhile, Lando hovered in the background, pretending to be a guard. The job paid well, and even came with its own set of clothes—important because Lando fled Cloud City so quickly, he had been reduced to wearing Han's hand-me-downs.

Later that night, the Breen pushed the defrost button on Han's refrigerator. The first thing she saw were those giant lips, animated once again.

"I can't see!"

"We'll get you dark glasses and a tin cup," said the Breen. "You'll look really good as a begger."

"Who are you?"

Leia took off her Breen mask, and kissed him. "Someone who loves you!"

Han said, "I'm blind, remember? That doesn't narrow it down much. Can you be any more specific?"

Leia gave him a big sloppy kiss.

Han paused. "No, still not familiar. Can you give me another clue?"

"Ho ho ho ho ho," said Jabba.

A curtain opened to reveal him and the other muppets watching.

"How did you know?" Leia asked.

"Real Breen do not wear high heeled fashion shoes," said Jabba, pointing down at hers.

"Hey Jabba, look, I was just on my way to pay you back," said Han.

"Really?" said Jabba.

"Really," said Han. "Listen, I got the 20 credits in my pocket right now-"  
"39 credits! You owed me 39, Solo!"  
"Well, Jabba, you really can't expect full repayment, after all this time has passed," said Han. "How about 21 credits?"

"Han!" said Leia.

"Quiet, I'm bargaining," said Han.

"Too late, Solo," said Jabba. He had all sorts of white crap coming out of the side of his mouth, probably from all those pigeon droppings he ate. "You're going to be fed to the Sarlacc!"

Salacious Cock laughed, so did Max Rebbo and the other muppets who valued their lives.

Solo glared in Leia's direction. "It was nice of you to try to rescue me, but did you have to dress so fashionably and tip him off?"  
"How was I to know how a Breen dressed?"

"Breen is Star Trek, you idiot," said Han. "No wonder you blew it!" He turned to Jabba. "Ok Jabba, I'll pay you 22 credits, take it, don't be a fool!"

The guards dragged him away even as he screamed, "Ok… 23 credits… my final offer…."

"Bring her closer," said Jabba, of Leia.

He stuck out his tongue and licked her. Leia made a sound of disgust as she got pigeon droppings all over face.

"Oh, grow up! What could a creature shaped like you possibly want with someone like me?"  
"Show her," Jabba commanded.

Salacious Crumb, who had been sitting on Jabba's groin, covering it from view, stood up.

"Oooooh," said Leia, her face growing flush. "That's different!"

Leia was cleaned up and forced to take off her clothes while all the other muppets watched and took photos and the results were streamed on Jabba's website. Then she was given a skimpy robe and brought to a very private dinner with Jabba.

"You won't get anything out of me!" Leia declared.

Jabba knew how to charm her. Her face brightened when he talked about art, literature, and philosophy. He read her poetry he himself had written. Then he told her of his love of freedom and human rights.

"But… you keep people as slaves!" Leia had said.

"No… they are merely contract workers," Jabba reassured her. He told her how much he passionately believed in the cause of freedom and liberty and equality for all beings in the universe. By the time he was done Leia had fallen for his Hutt Mind Trick and fell swooning in his arms. The last thing she remembered was making out with that giant tongue.

When she came to, the next morning, the robe was gone and she was in a metal bikini. She felt sore all over but kind of good too. It wasn't until a few weeks later that she began to suspect the truth, which was confirmed by a medical droid:

She was pregnant with Jabba's children. Children, actually, twins. She went so far as to call on the abortion droid—a big, floating black droid that whirred loudly and carried a huge plunger—but then stopped at the last minute. She felt the life within her. She wanted her children to live. They would be Jedi, like her, and she would name them Jacen and VaJaina.

Han was locked in a cell with Chewie.

"Wrraaa!" said Chewie.

"I've just been frozen for weeks, I've just been unfrozen, and the first question you ask me is, 'Do you have any bananas?'," said Han. "How out of touch is that?"  
The Carbonite freezing had also affected Han's hairline, accentuating his frontal baldness. Chewie rubbed his Captain Picard head in wonder.

"Wrraaa!"

"Luke, a Jedi Knight? How ridiculous is that?"

"Wrraaa!"

"Wait—you say he was trained to lift rocks over a long weekend on Dagobah? Maybe he is a Jedi Knight now!"  
Chewie started to hug Han and stroke him tenderly.

"Chewie, please… for the millionth time, I'm not gay."

Luke opened the door to Jabba's Palace, using the Force.

Two pig guards came out to stop him. He could have used a gentle mind trick on them, but instead strangled them both. Luke was wearing a dark Emperor style robe. He just felt in that kind of mood.

UTHA somehow knew immediately that this was Luke Skywalker.

"Gobble gobble gobble!" he said.

Luke considered strangling him too, but figured he probably knew the way to Jabba. "You will take me to Jabba now," said Luke.

"Gobble gobble Jabba now," said Tentacle Head.

"You serve your master well."

"Gobble gobble gobble."

"After we get there, you will find a small sink, and drown yourself in it."

"Gobble gobble gobble."

Jabba was napping with Leia looking very content in his arms. There was a trail of unidentifiable white goo on her lips and upper thighs.

When Tentacle Head announced Luke, Jabba went ballistic.

"I told you not to admit him!"

"Excuse me, I have to find a small sink now," said Tentacle Head, scurrying off.

"You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookie to me," said Luke.

"Ha ha ha ha," said Jabba. "Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me. But I do know some Hutt Mind Tricks. Can you move there, right over there, on that spot?"

Luke moved obediently to the one spot on the floor that was the trap door.

"Thanks," said Jabba, sending him down to the basement.

This was all part of Luke's plan; to have all his friends taken prisoner, and then to come in defenseless, and have to fight the Rancor without any weapons. Everything was going exactly according to plan!

As Luke rolled down to the ground he noticed the half eaten head of Aayla Secura. She had been only a middling Jedi Master, but had turned out to be much better erotic dancer. When she took off her skimpy shirt she could use her tentacles to rub her own boobs as she danced. Jabba liked that and missed her already.

The Rancor, eating one of the Gammorean Guards, finished its pork appetizer and turned to Luke, roaring.

Everyone on the level above cheered and jeered. They were really going to enjoy this.

The Rancor took big booming steps towards Luke. BOOM BOOM BOOM! It reached down to grab Luke and-

Luke, yawning, snapped his fingers and the Rancor's head came snapping off its body. It rolled to the ground just feet away, its giant tongue sticking out.

"Oh, shit," said Jabba.

Luke and Han and Chewbacca were brought before Jabba. Han's shirt, which had been soiled with Carbonite freezer burn just moments ago, was miraculously cleaned and pressed.

3PO said, "The great and mighty Jabba has ordered you to be thrown into the Sarlacc."

"You should have bargained, Jabba," said Luke. "When I slice your head off your body and urinate in your gaping, lifeless mouth, you'll realize your mistake."

"Maybe he is a Jedi after all," said Tentacle Head, reconsidering.

Han was starting to get better. His hairline had stopped receding, his hair was puffed up and blow dried, and he was beginning to be able to see again.

"Don't worry, I have this great plan," said Luke, speaking freely in front of the guards. "R2 is going on deck, and shoot me my lightsaber-"

"Ah, Luke, do you see R2 on deck?" said Han.

Luke peered at the Sail Barge. "Uh, it's not time yet."

"What if Jabba doesn't let him on deck? What if he uses his restraining bolt to stop him? You've put all our lives on this one tenuous thread," Han screamed at him.

"Calm down," said Luke.

Back on the Sail Barge, Jabba had Leia on a leash. He pulled her close. "You have one hot body, Princess," said Jabba.

"Your Hutt mind tricks won't work on me again!" said Leia.

Jabba stared at her with his big emerald eyes. "Leia..."

Leia started to feel an electric thrill over her body. "Oooh, Oooh, Jabba!" she said, as she hurriedly moved to remove her bra and panties, oblivious to the watching crowd of muppets. She couldn't resist as she rubbed her naked body against his massive frame.

Jabba's barge sailed to the Sarlacc. It looked like a big hole in the ground with tentacles.

But this big, wet dark hole wasn't a digestive tract; it was a reproductive organ!

It was a little known fact that Sarlaccs were actually female Hutts. This Sarlacc was actually Jabba's wife, Hillary. Hillary Rodham the Hutt. And the hole they were looking at wasn't a mouth, but actually a birth canal!

This is how Hutt's reproduced. The males were giant slugs who ran criminal empires, while the females burrowed into holes in the ground, groin facing upwards, waiting for stuff to get thrown into it. When someone was thrown into it, the crotch cavity would slowly alter its DNA, turning it into a Hutt.

"Hi Hillary," said Jabba, over the microphone.

Hillary hissed and waved her tentacles (multiple clitorises, actually) at Jabba. "What have you brought for me today?" came the booming voice out of the hole.

"A Jedi, a Jedi knight," said Jabba.

Hillary hissed and looked up at Luke through her gaping vagina. "Why do you never bring anything big for me?"

"Ho ho ho ho," said Jabba. He turned to 3PO and nodded. 3PO said, "The great Jabba the Hutt wants to know if any of you have any last requests."

"Uh, just one," said Luke. "Can I say goodbye to R2?"

There was a pause, then "Sure."

"I mean, can you let him up on the main deck, so I can see him?"  
Jabba barked an order, and R2 was brought up to the main deck, but guards held him, so he wasn't directly facing Luke.

"Can you turn him around, so he faces me more?" Luke asked.

3PO translated the answer. "No."

Jabba laughed hysterically. "What do you think I am, a fool? Put him in!"

One of the guards pushed Luke to the edge of the plank. Luke looked down at the Sarlacc, grinned, and gave an exaggerated nod to Lando.

"Hey," said one of the guards, to Lando. "Why are you two nodding to each other like that?"

"Me? I wasn't nodding," said Lando.

"Yes you were," said the guard.

"Pure coincidence," said Lando.

"Well, all right," said the guard. He pushed Luke off-

Luke jumped, flipped, and-

3PO bent over the edge of the Sail Barge, and squeezed hard!

A lightsaber came flying out of his anus. It went sailing through the air…

Luke landed on the skiff. The guards were surrounding him, looking at him expectantly. But his lightsaber hadn't arrived yet. "Just a minute, guys."  
They waited patiently.

A moment passed. "Just a few seconds more," said Luke. They waited patiently.

AND THEN... The lightsaber landed in Luke's hands. "Thanks, guys," he said, activating it. He started slicing away.

Now Luke's plan was perfectly revealed—he was the only one of who was armed, his friends were still tied up, and he had to fight everyone himself.

Boba Fett saw Luke on the skiff. Boba Fett was far away, but in rifle range; Luke, with his lightsaber, could only hit things up close. So Boba Fett, deciding to neutralize his own advantage, flew real close to Luke, and Luke sliced his blaster rifle with his lightsaber.

Jabba's other muppets behaved in similarly illogical patterns, giving Lando time to free Chewie and Han.

"Thanks, buddy," said Han, giving Lando a sock that sent him over the edge into the pit.

"Leave him there!" said Han, as Chewie bent over to retrieve Lando.

A giant clitoris reached out of the Sarlacc and grabbed Lando by the leg. The tip of the tentacle started to rub Lando's groin suggestively.

"Ooooh ooooh ooooh," said Lando.

"You have to rescue him!" Luke yelled. "He's the only black person in Star Wars!"

Chewbacca roared and fired off a bolt, piercing the clitoris and setting Lando free.

Meanwhile Luke jumped to the other skiff and started to slice up its occupants, who were nice enough to take turns firing on him only one at a time. After he finished slicing them, he jumped on the sail barge and started doing some slicing there as well.

Meanwhile, Boba Fett fell into the Sarlacc when Han Solo hit his jet pack.

"Ooooh Oooooh Oooooh," said the Sarlacc, as Boba Fett slowly made his way into her reproductive organ.

The Sarlacc rubbed Boba Fett's unconscious body against the walls of her reproductive organ, faster and faster, back and forth, back and forth.

"Oooh Oooooh Ooooh, Boba, Oooooh Boba!" said the Sarlacc. "I'm feeling it in all over! Even in all my tentacles!"

While Hillary Rodham Sarlacc was getting great sexual pleasure from Boba Fett, the battle continued.

Below decks, Admiral Ackbar, still wrapped in bread, and Mom Mothma, were strangling Jabba with their bare hands while Leia feverishly readjusted her makeup. R2 waddled by and whistled to her.

"Yes R2, get these chains off of me," said Leia.

R2 gave her thick chain an electric shock.

"Yeow!" said Leia.

R2 gave it another shock.

"Ow!"said Leia again. "Don't give me shocks, using your cutting torch. Are you a retarded droid or something?"

R2 whistled apologetically.

They made their way to the deck where Luke was holding off the aggressive muppets. But when Luke saw Leia's semi-nude body, with white goo still dripping from her thighs, he got distracted and allowed a muppet to shoot him in the hand. While Luke sliced him, Leia mounted a big gun that none of the muppets had previously thought to use to destroy the skiff Luke and Han were on. Leia prepared to fire it downwards.

He grabbed a convenient vine which was hanging from Jabba's ship.

You may be wondering why there were vines on Jabba's ship. Jabba was not only a crime lord, but also a renown wine grower. His Hutt label white wine was renown throughout the sector. He grew the grapes in vines on his ship, watered every day by his droids and fertilized by the excrement of his gammorean guards.

"Come on," Luke said, holding the vine while reaching out to Leia.

Leia readily came to him, and he felt her supple body against his. Immediately her lips were on his, her breasts pressed against him. "Put a baby in me, Luke… put a baby in me NOW…" she whispered.

Despite the revulsion at the nearly freshly minted Hutt reproductive fluid running down her thighs, Luke felt his body beginning to respond. He started kissing her back fiercely, when suddenly he heard Ben's voice.

"Run, Luke, Run!"

That snapped him out of it. He swung the vine over to the skiff.

"Don't forget the droids," said Luke.

Lando used magnets to pull the droids up. Luke also had the curious feeling that they had forgotten something else, but they were long gone by the time Admiral Ackbar and Mom Mothma had dug themselves out of the sand dune they had sunken into during their escape.

On the way back to their ships, Luke insisted they stop at Jabba's palace.

"What? Why?" Leia demanded.

"You'll see," said Luke. He activated his lightsaber.

When he was done he had cut a message in the front door that read, "Ha, ha, Jabba's dead! Don't F_ with the Jedi!"

He also deposited Jabba's head there.

"Are you done?" said Han.

"Almost," said Luke, lowering his zipper in front of the outstretched mouth and tongue.

Later, they went back to their ships. There was a fierce sandstorm. The sand got inside Leia's flimsy bikini. She felt an uncomfortable itching. She would have to check for sand fleas, later

When Luke got aboard his X-Wing, he radioed. "I'll meet you back at the fleet."

"Where are you going?" Leia asked.

"A little green man on a swamp planet trained me to be a Jedi over the weekend you were gone. He said I could be a Jedi in two days simply by lifting rocks with my mind and swinging by vines. I have to go back and finish the last two hour course to be certified as a Jedi Knight," said Luke.

There was no answer on the other end.

"Maybe I shouldn't have been so specific," said Luke.

"Hey Luke thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one," said Han.

"Han, did Leia cut off your balls?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"Just a guess," said Luke.

R2 beeped.

"That's right, R2, we're going to the Dagobah system. Don't even think of trying to cut off life support like you tried to do last time," said Luke. "I have to complete the final 30 minutes of my long weekend of Jedi training. "

They were out, ALL out—squadrons after squadrons TIE Fighters, TIE Interceptors, TIE Advanced, dozens of squadrons, all escorting one shuttle. But this shuttle held the Emperor.

Naturally, with that many fragile, shieldless ships flying in tight formations, accidents were to be expected. It started with two TIE interceptors crashed into each other, and then two more fighters crashed into them. A TIE bomber stalled and another one rear ended it, causing both to explode. Spectators looking hard at a TIE fighter caused it to explode, and so on. By the time the Emperor had landed the Empire had lost a quarter of its starfighters.

But the landing bay was something else. Hundreds of Imperial Troops representing every uniform color imaginable lined to greet him. The Emperor's elite Cherry Lipstick guard lined the ramp. Darth Vader got to his robotic knees even as his joints creaked, desperately in need of some dark side oiling.

The Emperor walked down the ramp. A foul smelling dark gas sprayed out of the ramp. As this was the Emperor's personal shuttle, it had a mechanism inside that collected all his anal gasses and stored them up. It then emitted them whenever he landed in any place where large receptions were expected.

The Emperor smiled as his familiar odor filled the room.

"Rise my friend," said the Emperor. He wore a no frills robe; the most powerful being in the galaxy, and all he wore was a no frills robe. Vader had talked to him about it, on numerous occasions.

"You rule the galaxy! Yet you dress like a monk. Why don't you dress nicer?" Vader asked.

"I like my robes," said the Emperor. "They are easy to put on and take off."

"But-"

"-and I don't have to wear underwear, "

"But-"

"-and the dark color helps hide chocolate stains."

"But you don't eat chocolate"

"-as well as other stains"

Behind the Emperor were wrinkled guys with big blue hats. These were his Imperial Decorators. As they walked the landing bay they took notes.

"We'll put some potted plants there, by the TIE fighter assembly."

"Coat racks by the access port. For that welcome home feeling."  
"What about a giant welcome mat, the size of the entire flooring, with a mosaic of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan?"

"In silver and black, yes that would be faaaabulous, girlfriend! And I think I know where we can get some Sullestanian tile that will be perfect for that!"

In front of them, the Emperor and Vader were talking. "I like the color coordinated line up," said the Emperor, admiring the troops. "Your work, I presume."

"Yes, I know of your great joy for all things color coordinated," said Vader. "We have even created several new colored uniformed troop who serve no purpose but look very good in parade."

They passed some grey troopers wearing big black gloves, engineering troopers.

"You have done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for young Skywalker."

"Yes, my master."

They passed some black helmeted troopers with dark visors who must have barely been able to see where they were going. Superlaser troopers.

"Patience, my friend. In time he will seek you out. When he does, you must bring him before me."

They passed some pink polkadot troopers. Dance troopers.

"Only together can we turn him to the dark side of the force."

"But.. if we do, we'll be three," said Vader, feeling anxious for a reason he couldn't quite put his finger on. "Doesn't the Sith only believe in the Rule of two?"

They passed some mottled green watermelon aroma therapy troopers.

"There are exceptions," said the Emperor. "The rule of Two and a half, for example."

"Two and a half?"  
"Technically speaking there can only be two Sith, a master, and an apprentice. But if an apprentice, like you, has an apprentice of his own, that apprentice becomes an apprentice apprentice, and isn't formally a Sith."

"Oh I see. Makes sense," said Darth.  
"Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen," the Emperor cackled. He laughed and laughed, until his laughter was unexpectedly cut shot as he stumbled, tripping over a mouse droid.

"Old and weak I become," said Yoda.

"Master, I was only gone for four days," said Luke. "And when I was last here you were jumping up and around like a muppet. You were perfectly fine-"

"A week ago that was, when only 900 years old I was. Now 900 years old and four days I am, and beginning to feel my age am I."

"You can't die," said Luke.

"Oh, I won't die," said Yoda. "Beam up into the lightside I will. Be able to appear whenever and wherever I want, I will. Have many, many attractive women I will, he, heheheheh." And his eyes grew wide. "Including your mother, Luke."

"What?" said Luke, wondering if he had heard correctly. He shook his head. "I need your help! I've come back to do my last 30 minutes of rock levitation."

"No more training do you require," said Yoda. "A weekend of rock levitating and vine swinging was enough to make you a Jedi."

"Then why did you get on my case that if I left before I completed my training it would be a disaster?" said Luke. "Now you're saying I already completed it. Why are you jerking me around, Master?"

Yoda did not answer.

"If my training is complete… then I am a Jedi," said Luke.

Yoda gave a laugh. "Ah, ha ha ha!" Then he laughed some more. "Ha, ha ha ha ha ha. Please, please, killing me too soon you are!" He paused. "One thing remains. You must face Vader. Every Jedi trainee must face Vader before they become a Jedi."

"You're just manipulating me again," said Luke. "You'll say anything just to get me to do what you want. No way does Jedi training require me to face a Sith Lord! That would be ridiculous! Every Jedi would get cut down." He paused, not sure whether to trust anything Yoda said, but he had to ask. "Is Darth Vader my father?"

"Well... it depends on the meaning of the word 'father'," said Yoda. "Also, the words "Is' and 'my'"

"If you don't stop shitting me I'm going to send you to Force Heaven sooner than you've planned," said Luke.

"Your father he is," said Yoda.

Luke looked into space. Suddenly, it made sense—how he admired the black plastic of Vader's outfit! Back on Tattooine he had decorated his room with it, even his Tuscan Guitar was made of it. And the strangling—Luke loved to strangle wombats with his T-16, and those Gammorean Pig guards at Jabba's palace. He actually had a lot in common with Vader!

"Unfortunate this is," said Yoda.

"Unfortunate that I found out that you're a liar?" said Luke.

"A liar!" said Yoda. "No, I never lied to you. It was simply a not fully correct statement."  
"Maybe only 97 or 98% truthful," said Luke sarcastically.

"Remember, Luke, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force."

"Thanks," said Luke. "If you hadn't told me that, I would have thought it flowed from a bottle of maple syrup. What other great parting pieces of wisdom can you share with me?"

"Anger, fear, oppression lead to the Dark Side."

"I've seen this movie," said Luke. "Can't you tell me anything I don't know?"

"Do not underestimate the Emperor," said Yoda.

"Do not underestimate the Emperor," said Luke. "Should I write that on my hand, so I don't forget?"

"When gone am I, the last of the Jedi will you be," said Yoda

"I thought you said I wasn't a Jedi until I faced Vader," said Luke.

"Giving wisdom am I on my last dying breath and you're throwing minor contradictions at me?" said Yoda. "Pay Attention!

"Luke… Luke…."

Luke leaned forward.

"I left a list of errands on the wall. And the trash is full. Be sure to empty it before you leave." Yoda got weaker again. "Luke… Luke…," he gasped.

Luke leaned forward.

"Four recycling bins there are... one for regular trash, one for organics, one for swamp creatures-" Yoda coughed again.

"Luke... Luke..."

"Yes?" Luke strained to hear him.

"The best lightsaber colors are blue and green. Not red." Yoda gasped again, "Luke… Luke… I have something really… really… really.. important… to tell you…."

"What? What?"

"Your weiner... "

"What? What Yoda, what about my weiner...?"  
"Do not put your weiner... inside... inside..."

Then he died and his body vanished! It simply vanished!

"Now I'll never know what I wasn't supposed to put my weiner inside of!"said Luke. "What was Yoda trying to tell me? Not to put it into a meat grinder? A turbolaser exhaust? What?"

After a moment, however, Yoda reappeared!

"Yoda!" Luke exclaimed.

"Sorry, forgot this," said Yoda quickly, grabbing his cane. He vanished again.

"Hey, hey," Luke asked. "Can't you come back in glowing ghost mode and explain what you meant?"  
There was no answer. He went out of Yoda's stinking hut.

"Forget this," said Luke. "No way am I facing Vader."  
"But you must," said glowing Wan Kenobi.

"You!' said Luke, drawing his lightsaber. "You've got a lot of nerve showing your face, you bloody british bastard!"

"Wait, Luke," said Obi Wan. "I know I told you that Vader killed your father. But your father was seduced by the Emperor."

"Seduced by the Emperor? So the rumors are true—he really is gay?"

"Seduced by the dark side," said Obi Wan. "He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader."  
"Anakin?" Luke started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Obi Wan asked.

"Anakin. Darth's real name is Anakin! How ridiculous! No wonder he changed it," said Luke.

"When Anakin turned to the dark side, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true, in a manner of speaking."

"No, even if you were speaking metaphorically, it was actually the Emperor who killed him, not Darth," said Luke. "Even your metaphorical explanation is a lie. Are all Jedi trained to lie automatically?"

"What I told you was true—from a certain point of view."

"The point of view of a liar, or a psychopath," said Luke.

"Anakin was a good friend. We shared everything—even your mother, Padme," said Obi Wan.

"What?"  
"Did you know your father made 3PO and went into battle with R2-D2?"

"What? They never mentioned this!"

"When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. Of course, he was only five years old, but still, a great pilot. We sent him into a dangerous pod race and had him fight space battles, all at 5 years of age."

"But I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. Later that amazement turned to cold scientific fact when we counted the midicloreans in his blood, but at the time, before we knew about midicloreans, it was quite amazing. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi after my own master got impaled in a minor industrial accident. We gave him an awful buzz cut, farmer/karate/Jedi clothes, and taught him to fight remotes. I thought I could instruct him just as well as Yoda. But my ability to teach somersaults and rock levitation paled compared to Yoda's teaching skill."

"There is still good within him," said Luke. "He could have cut off my arm, but showed compassion, only taking my hand. Afterwards he stroked me lovingly and said, 'There, there, my son, why don't we get that bandaged up and go for some ice cream?'"

"He's more machine now than man," said Obi Wan. "Twisted and e-vil."

"Oooh! Say that again."

"Twisted and e-vil."

"I love that British accent!" said Luke. "Maybe I can turn him from e-vil to goo-ood."

Obi Wan shook his head. " He's more machine now than man . I cut off his arms, legs, and testicles—purely in self-defense, mind you. "

"I can't kill my own father," said Luke.

"He's not your father, he's Darth Vader," said Obi Wan.

"Ok, then, I can't kill the guy who killed my father."

"Why not? If some guy killed my father, I could kill him."

"Not if they were the same guy!"  
"Then the Emperor has already won," said Obi Wan. He paced around, stepped in a puddle, getting his glowing sandals wet. "Oooh! That will take a long time to dry."

"Yoda mentioned a place I shouldn't put my weiner into. What was that place?"

"He was referring to the inner thighs of your twin sister."

"The inner thighs of my twin sister? What twin sister?"  
"You were separated to protect your identities. We each gave you elaborate cover stories. For hers, her last named was changed and she was adopted by a family of kindly Puerto Ricans."

"But what about my cover story?" Luke asked. "Mine was so elaborate that I kept my original last name, lived with my real relatives, and was listed in every online directory." Luke blinked, remembering Leia's lips on his, her cries of passion as she tried to get him to put a baby into her—"It's Leia! Leia is my sister!"

"Your insides serve you well," said Obi Wan.

"Actually, Leia told me I served her insides quite well too," said Luke.

"You must not commit incest—that path leads to the-"  
"Dark side, I know I know," said Luke.

"Bury your feelings deep down, Luke," said Obi Wan. "When you are fighting Vader, the last thing you want to do is to get distracted with thoughts of Leia's slick nude, supple body, her aroused nipples pressing against you while rubbing her groin against yours-"

"Ok, I got it," said Luke.

The rebel fleet assembled. They had come a long way from a bunch of motley X and Y wings. They now had big capitol ships, courtesy of the Mom Calamari. The Mom Calamari were bipedal fish people. They fought the Empire because the Empire subjugated their home planet and ate their people. Their leader was named Admiral Ackbar and while he fought with the rebellion, he was also a little suspicious of it too; from time to time some Mom Calamarians would disappear, only to turn up in pieces in some ship's kitchen.

Han approached Lando. "Well, look at you! Finally got your own clothes, tired of wearing mine?"

'They made me a General. Someone must have told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Tannab."

Lando was wearing a dashing cape and outfit, complete with a phony medal. The medal was actually a piece of circuitry he had lifted off the Falcon, but he told everyone it was his medal from Tannab.

The Republic had fought a bunch of slavers at Tanab, and had beaten the slavers by aiming their weapons before firing, something the slavers had never learned to do. Lando, who made his living selling children into slavery, but he made up a story of how he fought the slavers, because, in his words, "Adult slavers give my business a bad name."

"Well, don't look at me, buddy, I certainly didn't tell them which side you fought on," said Han. "I just said you were good with kids and left it at that."

"I'm surprised they didn't ask you to lead this attack," said Lando.

"I used to be a cynical mercenary, but I'm 100% whipped now," said Han. "I'll follow Leia wherever she goes and do whatever she says. If she tells me to take down my pants and fire a blaster at my private parts for the good of the rebellion, I'll smile and say, 'Yes Ma'am!'".

A woman in a white wedding dress and a short buzz cut stepped forward. It was Mom Mothma, the leader of the rebellion. She wore a white, virginal dress, which, except for the actions of 22 men and four women, signified her virginity.

"The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come," said Mom.

Han raised his hand to ask a question. "If the Emperor can see into the future, how could he have made a mistake? Wouldn't he have seen himself making it?"

"Bothan spies have located the new battle station," said Mom, ignoring this question. "We also know that the weapons on this Death Star are not yet operational. And there is a giant hole in the middle of it, big enough to fly a medium sized spaceship into."  
Han raised his hand again. "Why would the Empire purposely leave such a big hole into the heart of its station? Do you think it might be a trap?"

"No. If you must know, many Bothans died to get us this information." Mom Mothma took out a tissue and started to cry.

"Bothans?" Lando whispered.

"Muppets. Expendable," Han whispered back.

Actually that was quite true, many Bothans had died getting this information. The Emperor had set up the sting himself. He had provided one of the Bothan spies with plans for the new Death Star.

"I am giving you this information because you are one of my most trustworthy servants, are you not?" The Emperor had said.

"Yes, yes, of course," said the Bothan spy.

The Emperor pointed to the datapad. "So, have you got it all there-schematics, defense plans, location of the shield generator?"  
The Bothan looked down at the datapad. "Yes, yes, I think so."  
"Good, I know how important it is for the Imperial census department to have this information," said the Emperor, winking at him. "Now, why don't you come with me for a walk before you go."

He took the Bothan spy to the narrow ledge around the tractor beam controls overlooking the bottomless pit.

"Why are we here?" the Bothan Spy asked.

"I find it a nice place to walk and gather my thoughts," said the Emperor, smiling. "After you."  
The Bothan, obviously nervous, started out on the narrow platform overlooking the massive dark pit.

"I have a question," said the Emperor. "Do you know what the Death Star represents?"

"Uh..." said the Bothan.

"Ultimate Power!" said Palpatine, firing lightning bolts that sent the Bothan shrieking and falling over the edge.

Darth Vader appeared at his side. Palpatine was still laughing. "Ah, ah, that never gets old," he said.

"I thought the plan was to let him get away with the plans," said Vader.

Palpatine gave him a furious stare. "It won't be convincing if they don't incur a few casualties along the way. If many Bothans don't die to give this information, do you think the rebels will believe it?"

"Well, you have a point."

And so the Emperor gave the information away to a second Bothan, and a third and a fourth and a fifth, killing them each time.

"I think you have made the point now," said Vader. "Why not let the next one go?"  
"Agreed," said Palpatine.

The sixth one Palpatine gave the plans to, and then strangled with force grip.

"What happened?" Vader asked.

"I couldn't resist!" said an obviously pleased Palpatine.

Palpatine also liquidated the seventh, eigth, ninth, and tenth Bothan.

"We are running low on Bothan spies," said Vader meaningfully.

"All right, all right," said Palpatine reluctantly. "Send the next one in."

Palpatine gave the plans to the next one, and then said, "How would you like a personal tour of the superlaser?"  
They went to the large firing tunnel. There was a very burned platform right in the center of it.

"Why don't you stand right... over there, yes, right there, just for a moment," said Palpatine, moving to the control panel.

"Excuse me," said Vader.

"What?" Palpatine snapped.

"There's a, uh, phone call for you," said Vader.

"A phone call?" said Palpatine. "Can't it wait?"

"No, it really can't," said Vader.

"Oh, all right," said Palpatine unhappily, moving away from the console.

And that's how he reluctantly gave the plans to the rebels.

Back at the briefing, Solo raised his hand again. "If our operatives were killed, won't the Empire know we're on to them and be prepared for us?"  
Mom Mothma ignored that question too. "The Death Star is relatively unprotected, and the Emperor himself will be there, and I have it on reliable sources that he'll be asleep the entire time, with all his guards preparing for a big party, and not on the alert in any kind of way," said Mom.

"What about the contractors?" Han asked.

"What?"  
"The contractors aboard the death star," said Han. "This isn't like the first death star, which was fully complete. This one is still under construction"

"Your point being?"

"There are probably thousands of innocent contractors aboard, just trying to feed their hungry families. If we blow that up, we're going to kill thousands of innocent plumbers, carpenters, and aluminum siding specialists-"

"It is true there are contractors there," said Mom Mothma. "But the first Death Star, which you helped blow up, Captain Solo, had child day care centers. Did you know that, Captain Solo?"

"Ah, well-"

"Isn't it far better to blow up a few capitalist roofers and plumbers then little children?"  
"I suppose, when you put it like that..."

"Well then," said Mom Mothma cheerfully."Let me now turn over the briefing to Admiral Ackbar."  
A fish man wearing a spacesuit and a turban over his head stepped forward. Admiral Ackbar was a member of a radical fundamentalist muslim race of fish people called the Mon Calamari. He began his lecture. "Welcome, fellow rebel jihadists. You can see here that the infidels aboard the Death Star are protected by an energy shield projected from the nearby forest moon of Endor."

A 3D graphic showed the energy shield emitted by the moon reaching the Death Star and spreading around it in a circle.

"Hey, is it even possible for a shield to curve around like that?" Leia asked.

"Women should be silent and not spoken to until beaten by their masters!" said Ackbar.

"Oh, oh sorry," said Leia, not wanting to disrespect his radical fish muslim sensibilities.

Ackbar stared at her, his giant fish eyes blinking. "What are you doing?"  
"Me?" said Leia.

"Yes, yes, you!"

"Nothing!"

"Why do you let your hair be uncovered!" said Ackbar. "That is not the action of a modest woman!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize!" said Leia. She hastily put a scarf over her hair.

"And your wrists! Your naked wrists are showing! Are you a whore, a prostitute?" Ackbar asked.

"No no," said Leia again, pulling his arms inside her sleeves. "I'm a good liberal woman! I would never want to offend your sensitivities!"

"Then why do you sit next to men, like a common whore?" He pointed to Han. "Is this man your brother, your father, or your husband?"  
"Ah, no, not yet."

"Then you should not be sitting next to men!"  
Mom Mothma came forward. "Admiral Ackbar, every other person here is a man. It is not possible for Princess Leia to sit by herself."

"Get back to the kitchen, woman! I will deal with you later!" Ackbar snapped.

"Yes master." Mothma, meekly bowing her head, left the chamber.

"Now, if no one else will act like whores or prostitutes, I may continue," said Ackbar. He spoke as if nothing had happened. "The shield must be deactivated if any attack is to be attempted. Once the shield is down, our fighters will fly in and destroy the main reactor."

"Wait a minute," said Han. "After the last time, they left another hole open to destroy the reactor again? Doesn't that seem just a little odd?"

"General Calrissian has vowed to lead the fighter attack," said Ackbar.

They all turned to look at Lando, and suddenly there was a bubble of questions.

"You're a black man?"

"I've never seen a black man before on any planet in the Star Wars galaxies!"  
"Are there any more out there like you?"

"How long have you been black for?"

Lando glared at the others as Ackbar introduced his next speaker.

"General Madine."  
A rebel with a really bad haircut and a gruffy beard and giant black strangler gloves came forward and said, "We have stolen an Imperial Shuttle which a strike team will use to deactivate the shield. All we need are volunteers."

Leia raised Han's hand. He sat there passively like his balls were cut off.

Leia said, "And I'm going, and Chewie's going, and R2 and 3PO are going, and so are Merry and Pippin!"

"I'm with you too!" said Luke, as he entered the room. R2-D2 followed behind him, walking down some stairs, which was no problem for a droid on wheels.

Leia reached over to give him a tight hug. "Your baby, Luke, I want to have your baby!" she murmured hypnotically in his ears.

Luke smiled. "Ask me again some time."  
"Luke," said Han, smiling broadly. "Are you going to give her a baby? I already let her cut my nuts off, so all I can do is smile and act gentle."

Later, in the hanger bay, Han turned to Lando. "Look, I want you to take her. You're the only black person in the rebel alliance, what if something happened to you!"

"All right, you pirate, I'll take your ship," said Lando. Boy had Han changed. He had been so angry about being betrayed by Lando, and frozen in ice, that he had to be restrained from strangling Lando. But then Leia had gently taken him to bed and cut off his nuts while he was sleeping, and now he was all nice and sensitive.

"And I don't mind that you wore my clothes when I was gone," said Han.

Lando grinned. "And I don't mind that you cut off my nut and had Chewbacca eat it."

Han responded, "And I don't even mind that you didn't wash the clothes afterwards, not even the underwear."

"I love you Han."

"I love you, Lando."

They gave big watery grins as they hugged each other.

Han looked at Lando, noticed his watery smile.

"Gay sex?"

"Sure, when we get back."

As Lando walked across the landing bay, he noticed someone else, one of the orange clad pilots-another black man!

"Hey, hey!" said Lando. "You-you're black too!"

The pilot was dressed in the gay orange outfit of a fighter pilot.

"Yeah man," said the second black man in the Star Wars universe.

"I didn't know there was more than one of us in the entire Star Wars universe!" said Lando. "Why don't you come, and be my copilot."

"No man, I want to fly an X-Wing," said the second black man in the Star Wars universe. "But I hear they found another black copilot for you."

"They did? That would mean there are three black people in the Star Wars universe!" said Lando. "Wow! Well, listen, you take care of yourself!"

"I'll be fine," said the second black man in the Star Wars universe. "I'm an anonymous black pilot about to enter a violent space battle. The chances of anything happening to me are like, one in a million."

Lando, whistling a fine tune, entered the Falcon's cockpit. He turned to see the copilot and-

"No!" said Lando, "No no no no no!" he yelled. He pressed a button, and got Mom Mothma on the channel. "What is this?" he fairly yelled.

"What, General Calrissian?" Mom Mothma asked.

"You got me a black alien copilot," said Lando.

"Yes," said Mom Mothma. "I think you mentioned you would appreciate having some brothers to hang with."

"But this one has enormous big, wide, thick lips! This isn't a black copilot, this is a parody of a black copilot!"

"Now now General Calrissian, this is a very legitimate alien race-"

"A booboo gaga boo," said the thick lipped black alien.

"That does it! You created this gross caricature, this insult to black people! You racist crackers have crossed a line!" said Lando, waving his fist in the air.

Han entered the shuttle. All his friends were there—except the rebel strike team. "Where are all the soldiers who are coming with us?"  
"Baggage compartment," said Leia. "They said they had a problem with the smell." She cast her eyes furtively towards Chewbacca.

Han sat down in the cockpit and looked at the Falcon, a disturbed look crossing his face.

"What's wrong?"  
"I've got a feeling, like I'm not going to see her again."

"Why, did you plant a bomb on Lando's ship?" Leia asked.

The Emperor's throne room was dark. Vader thought about asking him to turn up the lights, but remembered the Emperor was having a bad skin day. Actually, a bad skin decade.

As he stepped out of the elevator he thought he saw a stormtrooper, completely nude except for his helmet and Imperial-issued underwear, standing before the Emperor holding some kind of bullwhip, which he was in the process of removing, handle first, from the Emperor's ass. The Emperor was facing away, bent over in the other direction, his robes down by his ankles, his bare ass face up.

The Emperor glared at him as he approached, self-consciously standing up and closing his robe around him and pulling up his pants as if nothing had happened.

"You called for me, my lord?" Vader asked.

"Send the fleet to the far side of Endor. There it will stay, until called for."  
Vader noticed the white faced assistants with the Emperor—his personal hairdresser, nails specialist, and florist. The florist had these special dark side orchids that Vader especially liked.

"What of the reports of the rebel fleet massing near Sullest?"

"It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed and young Skywalker will be one of us."  
"I'm still troubled by that Sith rule of two thing. Tell me again, how can there be three of us?"  
"For the last time, Vader, it's the rule of two and a half, and he's a half! I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep thinking about it. Your work here is finished, my friend. Go back to the command ship and practice your super star destroyer parallel parking."  
As Vader turned to leave, the Emperor turned to his personal groomers. "What do you think about some dark side roses on the command panels there and there?"

Shuttle Tyderium approached the Super Star Destroyer Executor. Vader and Admiral Piett were on the bridge. The reports had just come in how the rebels had totally destroyed the large Imperial based on Sullest. The Emperor must have foreseen that, because he foresaw everything. He was so brilliant.

Han's voice came over the comm. "Shuttle Tyderium requesting deactivation of the security shield."

Where have I heard that voice before? Vader mused.  
"Transmit the security code," said the comm. officer.

On the shuttle, Leia, dressed like a green salad, said grimly, "Now we learn if that code was worth the price we paid."

"Don't get so uptight. It was only a few rebel muppets who got zapped," said Han, transmitting the code.

"Vader's on that ship," said Luke.

"How can you be so sure?" Han asked. He raised a pair of electrobinoculars, and stared at the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer… to see Darth Vader, using a pair of his own electrobinoculars, staring back at him. "Oh."

On the Executor, Darth Vader put down his binoculars and asked, "Where is that shuttle heading?"  
Admiral Piett transmitted, "Shuttle Tydirium, what is your cargo and destination?"

"Black armor polish and mouse droids for the forest moon," came Han's voice.

"That sounds like Han Solo, the pilot you tortured in Cloud City," said Admiral Piett.

"Did they have a code clearance?"  
"They transmitted 'Let the hate grow in you'" said Admiral Piett. "It's an older code, but it checks out sir. I was about to clear them."

Darth Vader gave Piett a look, as if to ask, "Are you really asking me to strangle you?"

"And it's probably not even the worst mistake I've made today alone," said Piett. "I don't know if this is a good time to open this subject, but I'm not really sure I'm cut out to be an Admiral in the Imperial Fleet. I mean, the adulation is good, the sucking candies on my uniform are great, and the girls, well, you know, but I think I would enjoy a quieter, lower stress assignment, perhaps taking the census on a small planet-"

On the shuttle Luke said, "I'm endangering the mission, I shouldn't have come."

"It's your imagination, kid," said Han.

Luke suddenly got a telepathic message, in Vader's deep voice. "Luke… Luke… How's the hand doing?"

"Uh, Chewie, can you fly a little farther away from that ship?" Han asked.

Chewie did the opposite, flying so close to the bridge that the wings of the ship almost scraped the superstructure.

"-and I just, well, have a feeling, a feeling, if you will, sir, that if I stay on this ship, my career's going to take a sudden turn for the worse," said Admiral Piett. "It's nothing concrete, nothing I can point to and say there, there's the trouble that's brewing, just a feeling that I need to be somewhere else, real soon-"  
"Leave them to me," said Vader.

"What?" said Piett.

"I will deal with them myself," said Vader.

"As you wish, my Lord," said Piett. He turned to the comm. officer. "Permit the rebel sabotage team to continue on its way, unmolested."

"Shuttle Tydirium, the shield will be deactivated immediately, follow your present course."

"See, I told you it would work," said Han. He turned the ship sharply towards the planet.

"We told you to follow your present course," came the voice over the comm. Then, after a pause, "Uh, now my boss it's ok to do whatever you want."

Darth Vader stood looking out the window. What would happen next? Would he cut off Luke's hand? Would Luke cut off his? There were so many possibilities.

On the planet, Han was wearing a BROWN cammo outfit while the rest of the rebels were wearing GREEN. And since they were on a green planet, the brown made no sense. But Han had been adamant. "If I have to cover my black vest I will only wear brown. I can blend in by hugging Chewbacca tightly and using his body as a shield against blaster fire."  
After a short walk they found some Imperial Biker Troopers. Biker troopers had weird goggle shaped helmets but they rode really cool speeder bikes.

"Han, volunteer to go and handle them," said Leia.

Han, acting like his balls had been cut off, (which they had), bowed his head and said, "Yes, Mistress."

Han and Chewie went down into the clearing. But instead of shooting the Imperial from a safe distance, Han walked right up to them! Not only that, but Han stepped on a twig, and when he did, he stopped and looked down, rather than taking advantage of his surprise!

"Maybe it was a bad idea to have the medical droid remove both of his balls," said Leia reflectively.

Han started to wrestle with the stormtrooper. The other rebel soldiers didn't bother to assist. Perhaps Leia had had their balls removed too.

Another stormtrooper escaped on a speeder. Leia climbed onto a speeder to give chase. The tightness of the speeder saddle felt good between her supple thighs.

"Waaait for me Leia," Luke said, in his whiniest voice.

They got started and proceeded to fly through the trees. They were having so much fun that neither they nor the Imperial they pursued considered the possibility of flying above the trees. Several more speeders joined the chase. Luke hopped aboard one, slammed the pilot into a tree (!), got shot down, lightsabered the last one, and Leia fell out of hers, leaving the last one to get into a traffic accident with a giant redwood.

An Ewok found Princess Leia. He stabbed her with his long pointy thing until she woke up.

"Hey, cut it out," said Leia. Then, on reflection, she added, "Actually, that was kind of nice."  
The Ewok growled at her.

Leia thought rapidly. The Ewok must be scared of Imperials, and must identify them by the uniforms they wore. All she had to do was take off hers.

She took off her helmet. "See?"  
The Ewok looked hesitant, but stopped growling.

"Ok," said Leia, taking off her green salad parka. "See, I'm harmless!"

The Ewok waved his spear, unconvinced.

"I'm not like them," said Leia. How to convince the Ewok? Inspiration took her; she removed her shirt, pants, and boots. "See?"

"Eeerrr," said the Ewok, still unconvinced.

Leia took off her bra and panties. "Look," she said, holding up her boobs. "Have you ever seen Imperials with anything like these?"

"Eat yo mamma!" said the Ewok, sitting down next to her. The Ewok experimentally rubbed his paws down her milky white thighs, causing Leia to bite her tongue, suppressing a moan...

Darth Vader entered the Emperor's Throne Room, but even he was not fully prepared for what he saw:

The Emperor, stark naked, was lying face down on a table while a large, rodent-like creature was being inserted into his anus.

The rodent, either sensing Vader or it's imminent trip to the dark side, gave a long, piercing squeal, and the Emperor looked up.

Before Vader could turn away or escape back to the elevator the Emperor said irritably, "I told you to remain in the command ship!"

Vader couldn't take his eyes off the small, gerbil like creature who was starting to burrow in the cheeks of the Emperor's ass. But he spoke as if he hadn't noticed. "A small rebel force has penetrated the shield and landed on Endor." As he said the word "Penetrated" he couldn't help but notice the gerbil dive in further.

"I know," said the Emperor, acting unconcerned on all fronts.

"My son is with them."

The Emperor looked up at him for the first time. "Are you sure?"  
"I felt him, my master."

The Emperor squirmed as movement occurred between his ass cheeks. He evidently felt something too.

"Strange that I have not."

'Perhaps your attentions were directed… elsewhere," said Vader, trying to be diplomatic and look away from the Emperor's jostling ass cheeks.

"You must go to the Century Moon and wait for him," said Palpatine.

"Century Moon? What's that? You've never mentioned anything called a Century Moon before," said Vader.

"Endor."  
"Then why not call it that? I get all confused when you start introducing new names without telling me. My life is complicated enough as it is," said Vader. "Wait a minute, are you saying that he will come to me?"  
"I have foreseen it," said Palpatine. "He will come to you and you will bring him before me."

"Where have I heard that before?" said Vader. "Ah yes, right after I lost my arms and legs, you said that all the girls would simply come to love the black plastic. You said I'd have to beat them off with a lightsaber, and that there would be so many that you pronounced 'they would come to me and I would bring them to you'. Didn't quite work out that way, did it?"

"It isn't my fault that your social skills were lacking," said Palpatine. "What about Mara Jade? Didn't you find the Emperor's Hand worthy of her title? "

"This isn't about me," said Vader.

"Just a minute," said the Emperor. Vader sensed a buildup in the dark side energies around him. The Emperor appeared to strain. He cried "Errr... Errr." and bent forward, and then, and then, blue lightning surged out of his buttocks, followed by the flying form of the scorched gerbil. The smoky remains of the rodent could be seen slowly burning on the ground. The Emperor turned to his attendant. "Satisfactory. But next time, I don't want it declawed."

Han and Luke decided the best way to find Leia was to walk totally at random through the large forest. It took them only a few minutes to find her hat and parka and shirt and pants and bra and panties. Han, inspecting them closely, saw that her rebel panties was covered with tiny Ewok pubic hair.

"I hope she's all right," said Han, sounding like a thoroughly whipped boyfriend.

Chewbacca, with the IQ of a houseplant, triggered a trap that pulled them all up in a net.

"Han, can you reach my lightsaber?" Luke said in a whiny tone.

"I thought you could reach out and grab things with the force," said Han.

"Sometimes the Force is like a lazy bitch," said Luke.

R2 emitted a cutting circle that ripped open the net. Unfortunately when they fell the cutting tool landed on Chewbacca, ripping open a portion of his left arm. Chewbacca howled, tasted his arm, and immediately started slobbering on it.

Suddenly they were surrounded by fierce Ewoks with spears. One of them, their leader, a fierce looking African-American Ewok, wore Princess Leia's bra on his head as a helmet.

"Hey, get back," said Han, waving his blaster.

"Han, it will be all right, give them your gun," said Luke.

Han looked hesitant.

"Come on, you've already lost your balls, you can't lose anything more valuable than that."  
He had a point. Han reluctantly gave up his blaster.

Suddenly CPO sat up, and the Ewoks started bowing to him. They had never seen a gay robot before.

3PO started chatting with them.

"How do you know their language?" Luke asked.

"Remember, I know over 3 million languages," said 3PO.

"But these creatures are primitive, they've never left this planet, how could their language possibly be in your database?" said Luke.

"Never mind that, use your influence to get us out of this," said Han.

"I can't, that wouldn't be proper," said 3PO.

"Proper?"

"It's against my programming to obey a castrated man," said 3PO.

"All right, 3PO, I order you-" said Luke.

"Master Luke, my new programming forbids me from obeying wimpy men as well as castrated ones," said 3PO. "I'm afraid that most definitely includes you, Master Luke."

They were tied up and taken back to the Ewok village where they were prepared for dinner… or actually, to be dinner.

Suddenly Leia came out of a hut. Her hair was complete unspooled and was almost five feet long! She was also wearing a local peasant dress that made her look earthy and feminine.

"Leia!' said Han. "So good to see you're all right! What happened to your clothes?"

"I, uh, changed," said Leia.

"Yeah, but why?" said Han. "Why did you take off your own clothes?"

"They felt hot," said Leia.

"How did these little guys happen to have clothes your size?" said Han.

"Do we really have time for this?" said Leia.

"Good question," said Luke. "I mean, did they knit you something on the spot, or sew several Ewok costumes together? And where were they while you were taking off your clothes? And why did you let your hair down? You look very… relaxed."

"These are my friends," said Leia, speaking to the Ewoks. "3PO, tell them they must be set free."

"Okwa Totto, Teetee wuka bak," said 3PO.

The lead Ewok shook his head.

"Why don't you take off your clothes to distract them?" Han asked.

"Trust me, it wouldn't distract them for very long," said Leia.

"How do you know that?" Han demanded.

"3PO," said Luke. "Tell them if they don't let us go, that you will make love to all of them, especially the males."

"But-"

"Just do it!"

"Toronto Bosh! Yu Wei E Toya, Anderson Cooper Tom Cruise Boom!"

"Boom?" said Han.

"I was describing the manner in which I would make love to them, sir," said 3PO.

The Ewoks kept putting logs on a fire to cook them with.

Luke, reaching out, lifted up 3PO using the Force, moving him just behind the Ewok leader. Then he used the Force to make the Ewok leader bend over and grab his ankles, while 3PO grabbed the creatures thighs and moved closer.

The Ewoks started screaming hysterically as 3PO suggestively rubbed his golden pelvis against the Ewok's anus. A baby Ewok stared too directly at the scene and its eyes exploded.

The Ewoks, screaming, freed the captives.

"Thanks, 3PO," said Luke,

"I never knew I had it in me," said 3PO

R2 whistled suggestively.

"Apparently, R2 thinks you have had it in him, on more than one occasion," said Luke.

Later, 3PO was telling the ewoks the story of their fight against the Death Star.

"Master Luke tuga tiga proton torpedo bopa bepa exhuast port."

"Do you really think they're understanding this?" said Han cynically.

"Master Luke moopa battle computer boba banga bida espoils in horizontal attack position."

"Oh I'm sure," said Leia.

3PO got down on all fours and started to imitate an AT-AT.

"Oooh, I love it when he gets down on all fours," said Leia. She discretely put a hand in Han's pants, and started squeezing.

"Leia," said Han indignantly. "Not in front of the Ewoks!"

"Give me a baby, Han, I want your baby now," said Leia, squeezing rhythmically.

Suddenly the Ewok leader babbled something at 3PO.

"What's he saying?" Han asked.

"He wishes to know if Imperials... taste good."

Han shrugged. "Tell them they do."

3PO did. Immediately the ewoks banged on drums. They would join the war effort.

"We are now a part of the tribe," said 3PO.

Ewoks started to grab Han and Leia and pull at their clothes.

"What are they doing?" Han asked.

"Performing the joining the tribe ceremony," said 3PO.

An Ewok struggled to get Han's shirt off. "Which is?"  
"You must each make love to three ewoks of the same gender. Simultaneously," said 3PO.

While 3PO was interceding on their behalf, Luke and Leia slipped out.

"Luke, what's wrong?" said Leia.

"Leia, do you remember your mother?" Luke asked.

"Sure!" said Leia. "It was 30 seconds after I was born. She held me up and said "Your name is Leia." I will never forget that."

"What else do you remember?"  
"She had wide child bearing hips, and was very bushy, down there," said Leia. "Why do you ask?"

"Because Darth Vader is my father," said Luke.

"Are you sure?"  
"Yes."

"How awful, to have such a disgusting monster for a father! Luke, let me take you to bed, I'll help ease the pain-"

"And, you're also my sister."

"Your sister?" Leia was incredulous. "...I mean, of course, it's obvious, it all makes sense when you say it. So when you and I were doing it on Hoth-"

"Yeah, that was dark side stuff."

"Wait. If I'm your sister, how come I don't have powers like you do?"

"Girls can't be Jedi, Leia. You know that"

"Oh. Yes, of course, what was I thinking?" said Leia.

"I have to go now and confront Vader."

Luke gave her a kiss and turned to go. But the kiss turned into a longer and longer one. "Ummmm sisters taste goooood," said Luke.

Suddenly he heard Ben's voice. "Luke! Run, Luke, run!"

He broke off, and left suddenly.

Han, seeing Luke giving Leia a tonsillectomy and then running off, decided to investigate.

"What's going on?"  
"Nothing," said Leia, sobbing.

"Luke-is that who you could tell?"

Leia started to cry.

Normally, Han would have stomped off, but since his balls were cut off, he started to cry too.

They used a small Ewok named Wicket as a tissue and cried the night away.

Luke was brought before the Emperor.

"Welcome, young Skywalker. You no longer need those," he said, and with wave of his finger, Luke's handcuffs came off. "Or those either, for that matter." With another wave of the finger, Luke's pants fell down.

Luke pulled up his pants as the Emperor smiled and said, "Guards, leave us. Or better yet, kill each other."

The two Red Guards pointed their pool cues at each other and fired, simultaneously. They both fell to the ground with a clatter.

The Emperor cackled with joy. "I love how perfectly synchronized they are!" He turned to Luke. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me "Mr. Hot Buns."

"You're mistaken," said Luke. "Soon I'll be dead, and you with me.

"Really?" said the Emperor. "You must be referring to the imminent attack of your rebel fleet. But everything that has happened has done so according to my design. Your friends on the century moon are walking into a trap."

"Century moon?"

"He means Endor," said Vader.

"Then why doesn't he just say that?" Luke asked.

"I know, that irritated me too," said Vader.

"It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator."

"You? You?" Luke was incredulous. "But... but I thought all those dead Bothans..."

"Yes, that was a nice touch, wasn't it?" the Emperor cackled. "The shield generator is quite safe from your pitiful rebel band."

"Our pitiful rebel band?" said Luke. "I don't know about that. Did you know that Leia plays the bass guitar?"

"No," said the Emperor.

"And Han plays the clarinet. And Chew the flute," said Luke. "Not quite the pitiful band you thought, is it?"

"A legion of my best troops await them!" said the Emperor.

Luke turned to Vader. "A legion? How many is that?"  
"About 30 troopers," said Vader.

"That's not so much." said Luke.

Vader nodded vigorously. "That's what I told him!"

"Oh, and I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive, ah hahaha," said the Emperor.

"He cracks himself up, doesn't he?" said Luke

"More than you know," said Vader.

"And what's with your head thing?" Luke asked.

"What?"

"The bumps on your head. Why is your head so bumpy?" Luke asked.

"Well, I was fighting this black Jedi-"

"Wait-there is another Black guy in the universe?"  
"As odd as it sounds, yes," said the Emperor. "Anyway, I was fighting him, and I slipped and fell and my head fell into a food processor-"

"I don't believe any of this." Luke looked at the Emperor impatiently. "How do you plan to turn me to the Dark Side, anyway? Are you going to try to make me angry?"

"No," said the Emperor. "We've got something better than that." He rang a little bell.

A gorgeous redhead in a tight black leather catsuit entered the room.

"Young Skywalker, I'd like you to meet Mara Jade."

The rebel fleet arrived. They were immediately engaged by the Imperial fleet, swarms and swarms of TIE fighters and TIE interceptors.

"It's a trap!" yelled Admiral Ackbar. "I knew we shouldn't have allowed females in the briefing!"

"Come boy, say hello to Mara Jade," said the Emperor.

The curvy redhead pursed her lips. "So this is the young Jedi." She moved a leather gloved hand over his arm and shoulders. "Not bad."

Mara Jade started to rub Luke's body vigorously. He stood still impassively, willing himself not to move or react, but he couldn't help himself.

"Ooooh, oooh, ooooh," said Luke, as Mara's hands went below the belt.

"Now you know why she is called the Emperor's Hand, my young apprentice," said the Emperor.

Luke, moaning, started to stare at the Emperor's chair.

"You want this, don't you...?" said the Emperor. He pointed to a pack of condoms next to Luke's lightsaber on his chair. "I don't know if hate is swelling in you, but something sure is. Take your birth control! Make love to Mara Jade! Give in to your lust!"

"You haven't made love until you've made love to the Emperor's Hand," Mara whispered in his ear.

Meanwhile Han & co. were captured on Endor. They were paraded in front of a group of stormtroopers.

"All right, get her clothes off," said one of them, pointing to Leia.

"What?" said Han.

"We have been ordered to dress her like this," said one of them, holding up a familiar metal bikini.

Suddenly horns blared, and tiny Ewok arrows fired everywhere, killing heavily armored stormtroopers. The stormtroopers, with their armor and blasters and AT-STs were no match for the small teddy bears.

Luke was still breathing heavily but still resisted Mara Jade's entreaties. "Make love to me Luke, just once," said Mara Jade. "We can make love by the big window, and watch your rebel fleet get blasted as we make hot passionate love together!"

The Emperor cackled. "As you can see, your friends have failed. Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational battle station." He pressed a button. "Fire at will, Commander!"

Suddenly they felt a surge of energy and... nothing.

The Emperor waited a minute, and then another. Then he pressed the comm. "What's happening?"

"We're not sure, sir, we're working on it."  
"Well, get it working!" said the Emperor. He turned to Vader. "The Superlaser is very impressive, isn't it Vader?"

"Very impressive," said Vader.

"Big, powerful, can blow up a lot of things, even planets," said the Emperor, feeling a little embarrassed by the delay.

"When I first saw it, I said this, this is impressive, second only to the force," said Vader.

"It's like a big flashing light that blows up things," said the Emperor. "It will totally demoralize young Skywalker when he sees it, won't it, Vader?"

"Yes, it will, totally," Vader agreed.

The Emperor drummed his fingers on the desk. "This is a little embarrassing, isn't it?"

"Just a little," said Vader.

"I mean here we are, trying to turn my young apprentice to the Dark Side, and we can't even get the superlaser working. And Mara Jade here can't even seduce him!"  
"Hey, I'm trying!" said Mara Jade. "He's a stiff!"

"Hey, I'm no stiff!"

The Emperor, out of patience, pressed the comm. "If this laser doesn't fire in the next ten seconds-"

Suddenly there was a brilliant explosion.

"That always works!" the Emperor cackled.

"All craft prepare to retreat!" said Admiral Ackbar.

"We won't get another chance like this!" said Lando.

"Another chance to be shot by the Death Star?" said Ackbar. "Which side were you really on in the battle of Tanaab, Calrissian?"  
"We'll have to engage those star destroyers at point blank range!" said Lando.

"An excellent idea," said Ackbar. "Jihadist fighters, attack!"

"What?"

"I had a squadron of radical muslim fighters packed with explosives and sent off on suicide runs," said Ackbar. "Jihadist fighter squadron, ram the nearest star destroyers!"

Fighters packed with explosives rammed the enemy ships. One of them hit the Super Star Destroyer, causing it to crash into the Death Star.

"Lalalalalala!" said Admiral Ackbar, moving his tongue in and out rapidly.

"She gonna blow!" said the black X Wing pilot, crashing into a star destroyer.

"Waaaa, I'm hitttt!" said the chinese Y Wing pilot.

"All the ships piloted by minorities are self destructing!" said Lando. "Boy, I didn't see that coming!"

Meanwhile, on the Death Star, Mara Jade stood in her bra and panties with a frustrated look on her face. "This one is too wimpy, Emperor."

The Emperor turned to Luke. "Your fleet is lost," said the Emperor. "And your friends on the century moon-"  
"Century moon?"  
"Endor," said Vader.

"Thanks," said Luke.

"Will not survive either," said the Emperor. "We will turn your furry Wookie friend into a giant carpet. I will lie on it as I make love to women, clones, robots, and rodents. As for Princess Leia, we will torture her without mercy by forcing her to wear a chastity belt for the rest of her life. And Han Solo... what can we do to Han Solo?"

"He has already lost his balls," said Vader.

"Oh. Not much we can do to him, then," said the Emperor, obviously disappointed. "I can feeeel your anger. Take your weapon and kill me, and your journey to the dark side will be complete!"  
"Wait. You are so eager to turn me that you are willing to die to accomplish it?"  
"It's a community service," said the Emperor. "Don't think the dark side isn't without acts of charity and kindness. Did you know in our last death star we had organic gardens and yoga studios and child day care centers?"

"Which you blew up," said Vader.

"Yeeeees, which you blew up," said the Emperor.

"I've had enough of this," said Luke. He reached for his lightsaber and started fighting with Darth.

They fought vigorously.

"Obi Wan has taught you well," said Vader.

"And to think all his teaching was only 30 minutes with remotes," said Luke. "Imagine if I had managed to study with him for a full hour!"

Luke did a somersault and went hiding in a dark corner of the chamber.

Vader started to look for him. "Why must your chambers always be so dark and gloomy?" he asked the Emperor. "It's impossible to see anything here."

The Emperor cackled in response.

Vader walked around.

"You cannot hide forever Luke."  
"I will not fight you," said Luke.

"I will not fight you," said Vader, imitating his high pitched voice. "You sound like wimpy boy. Is that what you are, a wimpy Jedi boy?"

"I sense you are thinking about your friends," said Vader.

Luke, hiding under a stairwell, looked like he was about to cry.

"Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one you would like to... ooh, Luke, you shouldn't be thinking such things about your sister! If you will not make love to Mara Jade, THEN... PERHAPS... SHE... WILL!"

"Nooo!" Luke yelled. He ignited his lightsaber and did some lightsabering, pushing Darth to the ground and cutting off his hand. A robot hand.

"Sorry, Obi Wan got there first," said Darth.

"Goooood!" said the Emperor. "Now finish lightsabering him and take your father's place at my side!"

Luke looked at his robot hand. Then at Vader's robot hand. Then he thought about robots in general. Then he thought about a turkey sandwich.

"No," said Luke, throwing away his lightsaber. "I give up, just fry me."  
The Emperor shrugged. "Ok."

He started frying Luke. Smoke came out of him.

"Hm, smells like Skywalker's for dinner!" said the Emperor. "Are you getting all this, Vader?" he asked, zapping Luke again.

"Um hm," said Vader.

"Watcha feeling, now that I'm frying your own son in front of you?" the Emperor asked.

"Not a thing," Vader assured him.

"The whole asking him to take your place idea-you've forgiven me for that, haven't you?"  
"Assuredly."

"That's good," said the Emperor. "Because as a super powerful Sith, the only thing that can stop me is to be slowly lifted up and tossed down a shaft."  
...and so Vader did just that. He very very slowly lifted the Emperor up and tossed him down the shaf.

"You didn't see that one coming, did you?" Vader said.

Luke came over and held Vader's other hand.

"That one's robotic too," said Vader.

"What's real?" Luke asked.

"Uhhhh" Vader pointed to his inner thighs near his groin.

"Let's not go overboard, Dad," said Luke.

Lando prepared to take the Falcon into the Death Star. "Wedge, are you joining us?"

"I'm hit, sorry!" said Wedge.

"Wedge, I have you in my gunsights. If you run away this time, I'll blast you," said Lando.

"Uh... my R2 unit is stabilizing my port stabilizer," said Wedge.

"Good," said Lando.

They went inside the Death Star. Lando ordered the expendable pilots to stay behind him to make inviting targets for the TIE Fighters.

They passed through inner sections of the Death Star-child day care centers, organic gardens, yoga studios, wellness centers, recycling plants, and other places of evil that had to be destroyed. When they got to the center, they saw a giant chandelier.

"Fire the very slow acting rockets!" said Lando. "Otherwise, if this place explodes according to the laws of physics, we'll never get out in time."  
"Copy, Black Leader," said Wedge.  
"I'm Gold Leader, not Black Leader, you dumb cracker!" said Lando.

They blew up the Death Star and got out, just outpacing the slow paced explosion. Luckily the child day care facilities and senior citizen centers didn't explode so fast, giving the Falcon time to escape.

A few minutes earlier Luke was dragging Vader's body across the landing bay. An imperial officer flanked by stormtroopers came up to him.

"Why are you dragging Lord Vader's body across the ground?" he asked.

Luke thought quickly. "He's had a little too much to drink. I'm his designated driver. You know the Emperor's zero tolerance for drunk driving, don't you?"  
"Oh yes," said the officer. "Very well, carry on."

Luke dragged Vader to the ramp of the shuttle.

"Luke, help me get this mask off."  
"But you'll die."

"No, I'll just look ugly."

Luke took his mask off. Underneath was the burned face of... Anakin!

"Dad! What are those holes on the top of your head?" Luke asked.

"A few flying drops of molten lava lodged there on Mustafar," said Vader.

"Dad! What are those big rings on your cheek!"

"Dried urine seared in by sulfuric ash."  
"Urine?"

"Obi Wan. When I caught on fire he tried to put it out but he didn't have any water."

"Oh."

"And why is your voice so wimpy sounding?"  
"It was all a deep voice amplifier in my suit," said Vader. he changed the subject. "Luke, tell your sister you were right, you were right."

"Right about what?"

"About Leia having one hot body."  
"What?"  
"You forget, I interrogated her on the first Death Star," said Vader.

"I think this is more than I need to know," said Luke.

When the Death Star exploded it caused an enormous shock wave to hit Endor. The ground shook for a few moments, and then it was over. Or so everyone thought.

On the ground, Han was helping Leia out, who was bleeding. "Here you go," he said, wrapping up a cloth.

"Thanks," said Leia, putting it inside her panties. "If I had known that destroying the shield generator would have taken so long, I would have brought some more tampons."

Han looked up at the exploding Death Star. "I'm sure Luke wasn't aboard that thing when it blew."

"He wasn't," said Leia. "My boobs are hard. That means he's nearby!"

"All right," said Han. "When he gets back, I won't get in the way."

"Oh, it's not like that," said Leia. "He's my brother."

Han got a very retarded look on his face. "You're going to have sex with your brother?"

Leia reached out and kissed him. "Give me a baby, Han, I want your baby."

"I have no balls, remember?"  
"That's no problem," said Leia. "I am going to give birth soon to Jabba the Hutt's babies. We'll call them Jacen and VaJaina, and now that you have no balls you will make a very appropriate nanny."

Luke carried over a flame to Darth Vader's body, which was lying on a pile of sticks. He lit the body on fire.

"Ooooooow!" Vader screamed.

"You're alive! I thought you were dead!"

"Of course I'm alive!" said Vader. His body started to burn all over. "Put it out, put it out!"

Luke looked around frantically. But he didn't have any water. He thought rapidly. He only had one source of liquid. Moving rapidly, he unzipped his black pants and started urinating on his father. He used the force to move streams of urine over Vader's face and body.

"No, no, not again!" Vader cried, remembering Obi Wan urinating over him to try to put the flames out, so long ago.

In moments Vader was dead. And reeking of urine. Luke watched the flames sadly. Suddenly, an Ewok came out of the trees. And another. And another.

Oh no, Luke thought. He didn't want them stealing things from Vader's funeral. He knew the minute he was gone they would probably take Vader's bones and do something nasty with them.

Luke's hand reached for his lightsaber...

There were celebrations all over the Empire. In Cloud City, everyone was cheering, even the child slaves in their chains. On Tattooine, there was a huge street party marred only by the occasional deaths by Tuscan Raider sharpshooters on the rooftops. On Naboo, droids of the Trade Federation danced with gungans. And on Coruscant, thousands of people took to the streets to celebrate, a bit prematurely, forgetting that there were still over a million stormtroopers on the planet. The results were predictable.

On Endor, a little chirpy ewok tune, "celebrate your love" started to play, which was quickly replaced by another musical number.

"Hey, what happened to the Ewok music?" said Han.

"I know, this sounds like crappy Peruvian street musicians," said Lando.

"Everyone looks so happy, especially the Ewoks," said Han cynically.

"Do they have reason not to be?" said Lando.

Han handed him a datapad.

"What's this?"  
"The explosion sent Endor out of orbit."  
"Out of orbit? Orbit of what?"  
"The sun," said Han.

"How long have they got?" Lando asked.

"About a week."

"Oh, we'll be out of here long before then," said Lando.

Everyone was dancing with each other and looking happy.

"Notice anything unusual about the food?" said Han.

"What do you mean?" said Lando.

"The stew tastes like stormtrooper," said Han. "So does the mutton, and the meat salad, and-"  
"It's all in your imagination," said Lando, laughing. He didn't notice the Ewoks periodically dragging one of their guests to the side and clubbing them, or putting them in a stewpot.

"Has anyone seen Admiral Ackbar?" Lando asked.

Han pointed.

"Where are you pointing?"  
"The banquet table."

Lando looked over. Ackbar's head was on a serving platter.

Suddenly Luke appeared, and gave Leia a big hug while the deballed Han merely smiled and watched.

But when Leia pulled back, she notices some smudges on her clothes from Luke's. It looked like dried blood. Dried Ewok blood.

"What?"  
"Ask me later," said Luke, with a smile.  
They watched the celebration. As time went on there seemed to be fewer and fewer rebel guests. Where were they all disappearing too? But at least there was more and more food being brought out.

Lando was busy pantomiming spaceflight to Chewbacca like he was talking to a retarded person. Lando's big lipped copilot was shaking hands with an Ewok when he got clubbed in the head and was dragged away.

An Ewok hugged R2 and even kissed him, trying to decide if he was tasty or not.

Luke looked around, and saw the force ghosts of Obi Wan. And Yoda. And Darth Vader. And Darth Vader even looked like his young Anakin Skywalker self.

Amazing! And totally unexplainable.

"It feels good to be back," said Anakin.

"Yeeeees," said Yoda.

Suddenly a large number of small Jedi children appeared.

"Who are these?" Anakin asked.

"Do you not recognize all your small friends from the Jedi temple?" Yoda asked. "You know, the ones you killed?"

The small children started to scream and yell at Anakin, and he turned to argue with them. They yelled at him, and he only argued with them even more.

Lando started to sway to the music, clapping his hands as he swayed back and forth before he stopped himself. "This is just too stereotypical. I can't be doing this."

Han turned to the banquet table. "Pass me some stormtrooper stew."

He took a big spoon from an X wing pilot and chewed some thoughtfully.

"Good?" said Lando.

"Yeah," said Han. He made a face. "But I think it tastes a little like Wedge."

The party continued. Only Luke could see the force ghosts. He watched as an annoyed Anakin drew his lightsaber and started slicing up the ghost children, again.

Suddenly more ghosts appeared. These were adults.

"Who are these?" Luke asked.

"The ghosts of all the independent contractors you killed on the new Death Star, these are," said Yoda. "Say something to them would you like to?"

"Ah, no," said Luke.

Leia grabbed him.

"Don't you see them?" Luke asked. "Don't you see the force ghosts, Leia?"  
"No," said Leia. "Girls can't be Jedi, silly."  
"Oh, that's right," said Luke.

THE END


End file.
